Trick or Treat!

This is our third Halloween as parents and for the first time we have been trick or treating! Last year he didn't get it, wouldn't wear a costume but had a good time handing out candy. This year we started early talking about costumes and Halloween and the cartoons he watches have all kinds of Halloween plots to them. So he was ready. We looked at pictures online and in circulars to find a costume he would wear. I knew it would be tricky with him being as picky about what he wears as he is. He decided early on that the only acceptable costume would be a race car. "A race cacr driver?" I asked with high hopes. But no. Race car. So I googled race car costume and the inevitable Disney pre-fab costume came up and Jackson fixed his sights and set his heart on being Lightning McQueen. Sigh.

Mommy thinks pre-fab costumes are lame and would much rather make something with card board and tempera paint, but alas, mommy has little say in what Jackson wears and if Trick or Treating was to be in our future, I knew we would have to have a pre-fab Disney Car costume. We went to a couple of stores in search of one with no luck, even scaring the crap out of Jackson by taking him into one of the only-open-during-October costume stores with scary-ass statues and latex figures and fog and scary music. Am I sadistic to take my three-year-old into such a place knowing it would probably scare him? Yeah. So what. He was mesmerized by a life-sized witch statue - so much that he put his speed racer car down on her pedestal while he studied her. When we got out to the car he got all upset because he lost his car. David went back in and found it thankfully. I guess he hadn't really meant to leave it as an offering to the witch.

So having no luck finding the foam Lightning locally, I found the best price I could online and had it priority shipped. Luckily it came in time and Jackson liked it. So we had him costumed for trick or treating. Funny that I spent a small fortune on the costume but was too cheap to spring for one of those little pumpkin candy baskets. We took his soccer ball Easter basket instead. Here he is in all his glory.


I rummaged around in the costume room at the theatre at work on Friday and found a saloon girl costume to wear. Working in the theatre has its small privileges sometimes. I don't look quite as good as Sabrina did wearing this in A Christmas Carol last year, but I am happy to fit into it anyway. And I love red.


Jackson held his daddy's hand as we walked the neighborhood begging for candy. I was so proud of the boy for speaking up each time and saying "Trick or treat" like a champ. He also said "Thank you" to each person without having to be prompted each time. I realized that it was probably easy for him because David and I said "Thank you" each time and he was following our example. I was proud none-the-less. He was a happy, polite little boy and we had fun.

One little old man who was sitting in his garage pointed out the stuffed fish on his garage wall and told Jackson to come back i a few years and he'd take him fishing. He had a little boat in the garage and pointed it out. Jackson left with us, chattering the whole time saying, "He's gonna take me fishing in his boat, daddy!" I think the old man was pleased to hear Jackson so happy about fishing.

The Port is No More!

The port is gone. I feel strangely empty. I can't feel the tube in my chest running up into the blood vessel in my neck. I didn't realize I could feel its presence so much, but now that it is gone, I am keenly aware of the nothingness. No hard protruding disk above my breast. Kinda cool.

I am a little bruised and swollen, but not hurting too badly yet. The procedure itself went smoothly. Got the IV in one stick. I had a few moments of concern when I was all draped and covered waiting for them to start and the doc came in and started poking around the port. I was terrified he was going to start without sedating me. The drapes were over my head so I couldn't see what was happening. And in fact, he did start shooting up the area with numbing meds before the happy drugs were administered. Which hurt way, way more than something designed to numb you should. Holy shit, I even made a noise, said "oww, oww, oww," which is something I rarely do. I try not to react to pain during procedures, it doesn't help, and I imagine it stresses out the practitioner. I don't want to distract them. But I whimpered some and quickly stopped myself, instead asking, "I am going to get the IV sedation right?" He replied, "Yeah, its on the way" as he proceeded to have at me with the scalpel. I was barely numb, could definitely tell he was cutting my skin. It was numb enough not too hurt too badly, but I was very glad when the happy drugs started flowing a few seconds later and I was able to doze a little while they did the deed.


It was over pretty quickly and I was happy to see that the doc excised the old scar as I asked. They weren't sure they could do it, but I thought as long as they were slicing me up, they may as well slice off the wide, ugly scar and let me start fresh. And since I am not starting chemo tomorrow as I did the day after it was implanted, I should heal much, much better and faster and cleaner. Health does have its advantages.

I have been helping my Mom set up a blogspot because she started blogging a bit on myspace. I read a few of her posts and I think she is much too good to be relegated to myspace. So I am proud to introduce you to my mom, the RN Blogger at Whatever You Do, Don't Take the Thumb. Check her out at your leasure.


My incision is starting to ache now, so I guess I will go take something.

Wish me luck!

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment to get my port removed. A small surgical procedure, I'll be there for 3 hours or so to recover, then I'll come home and probably sleep the rest of the day. And then no more implanted divice in my chest.

Here's to hoping I never need another one.

The Good Life

Last night I attended the B. Iden Payne awards as Andrea's date. She was nominated as a director and set designer and her Children's show, Wiley and the Hairy Man, was nominated as well as several of her actors. (link goes to my blog post about Wiley with pics of her set) I was very proud to be sitting with her as she won the Outstanding Director award for a play for youth. Congratulations to Andrea' and to all the winners and nominees for the 2007 - 2008 Austin theatrical season. It was a nice event at the brand new Long Center downtown and a great excuse to get dressed up. Here I am with Jackson just before heading out to meet Andrea.

Saturday was my fifth wedding anniversary. David and Jackson woke me up with homemade pumpkin pancakes which I was supposed to eat in bed, but didn't. The boys came in with a tray and told me 'happy anniversary' and then took off back to the kitchen to make more pumpkin pancakes. So I took my tray to the kitchen and ate there with them. I told David that he and Jackson were supposed to pile onto the bed and sit with me. Who wants to eat breakfast in bed all alone? Though to be fair, Jackson did climb into the bed, steal a piece of my bacon and told me "Happy annibersery mama" before he took off to help cook. And they sure were good pancakes. David got the recipe from the 1950's diner cookbook Elaine gave us a while back. Awesome, awesome anniversary breakfast.

We didn't have any big plans for the evening because Jackson was invited to a kids Halloween party at the home of one of his classmates. And I have heard stories of this party from last year, before we put Jackson in pre-school. And since we have been invited to a few parties and have not been able to attend any of them, I felt like we needed to go. I didn't want Jackson blacklisted from the pre-school party list because we didn't make an effort to go. Plus I already sort of feel like outsider mom for starting mid-term last winter. The other moms all seem like friends and live near each other while I live in Round Rock. Not that I ache to join all the scrap booking talk in the cool mom circle at school, but it still sucks to be the odd man out sometimes. Which could totally be my perception and not the truth, but you see why with all these thoughts beating around in my head why we had to forgo any fancy anniversary date and instead attend the premier kids Halloween party in Georgetown TX. And this mom sure went all out. An enviable spread and really nice lady. She had two moon-jumpy things and various games all over the yard. Notice Jackson cajoling the girls to get in the moon walk with him. There was apple bobbing, a wack-a-mole tower, ring toss type games and all kinds of party favors. Jackson had a really good time playing with the kids and David and I, not really knowing anyone there, spent a good deal of time pushing various kiddos on the swings.


And it is a true testament to the man that my husband is that by the end of the evening kids were approaching him to ask if he would open a capri sun or push them on the swings. Adults all around and these kids instinctively know that this person is safe, this person will help them. And they are right. He pushed his own kid on the swings and any others who came over without complaint. Made me proud to be married to him for five years.


On Sunday we finished up our bookshelf project in the living room and I am really really happy with how it looks. I was skeptical with the plan, I admit. This was David's idea and I was on board only because he seemed so set on it. I wasn't sure three new shelves would fit in that corner. I wasn't sure it wouldn't overbalance the room in that direction. But it really looks good. Moving the furniture opened everything up and we are now using the whole room. Now we need to look into lighting for that corner cause the bookshelf is a little dark. And maybe a new rug or two. We have never been the best decorators, David and I. But I think we done good with this one.


I didn't take a real before picture cause I am a moron, but I dug one up from Aug last year at my birthday. You can see the corner behind the dork holding up the pink top. The love seat was a couple of feet in front of the window blocking off that part of the room and making it seem smaller in here.


What else is new? How bout a Jackson gem. This is a picture of him with the 'birthday cake' he made for me a few days ago. He stuck come 'candles' in his bowl of sand and was so excited about the cake he made for me.

After work today, Jackson and I went to HEB to stock the near-bare cupboards. And after buying a huge cartful of everything we needed and making a really satisfying dinner of Fresh tortilla soup, I felt very grateful that my little family is blessed with more than we need.

Interesting Things Afoot

I have an appointment for Wed next week to get my port surgically removed. I am excited and nervous. Don't really want to have another procedure done, but I will feel so much better not to have this implant floating there under my skin. I sure have been grateful to have it when I needed it. But the time has come. Next week, in fact.

Today I was invited to take part in a patient panel at Texas A&M Medical School on November 3rd. They want me to share my story and do q&a with first-year med students. Sounds like a pretty interesting deal. Here is what the email had to say about the purpose of it:

"The goal is to educate these future docs about the patient experience, under the guise of educating them about hematologic malignancies. The closeness in age between the panelists and the students creates this really unique empathy---the future doc thinks, "That could be me," which we believe will help them become better doctors."

So I am going to car pool with the other panelists/Planet Cancer folks and head to College Station for the day. Can anyone say "Cancer Road Trip!!!" Does anyone besides me think that is funny? Heh heh.

David and I put together a new bookshelf/wall unit we bought at Ikea and we moved the furniture around in the living room to accommodate it. I am really happy with how we opened up the room and are now using more of the space. Our big window isn't blocked anymore. I'll post a picture after we get the books, decoration on the shelves done. The plan is to move all of David's gorgeous antique German hard-bound books to the new shelves in the living room for better display, leaving the bookcases in the office for the modern fiction books and scripts and things we can't let go of. We may eventually buy the glass doors that go with the shelf from Ikea and really protect the antiques and collectibles. I have books in boxes all over the place and we have needed more shelving for some time. So this is a good change. And I am really surprised by how much I like the new set-up of the living room furniture.

One member of the family, however, is not quite so pleased. Jackson doesn't deal well with change. We knew he wouldn't be happy. David got to witness the first glimpse this morning. Jackson came running out into the living room and stopped. He took a good look around and said, "The house is wrong! The couch doesn't go there!" This afternoon he continued to complain that he didn't like it. I suspect he will get over it eventually.

And we need to find a new place for his tricycle, wagon and various other largish toys and implements of destruction. We had them hidden/parked in the cove between the love seat and the big window. Not the love seat is on the other side of the room and the recliner is in front of the window. No hidey-hole for the wagon and trike. And we both park in the garage and there isn't currently any room for them in there. Up next is going to have to be an overhaul of the guest room and garage to create parking spots for kid things. Or maybe a merciless trip to goodwill will clear come room. But where the hell does one park a wagon if not the garage? The answer is no longer in my living room.

BTW, I am now interested in new living room rug(s) since I am so happy with the make-over and want to complete it. If anyone has cheap rug store suggestions let me know. I don't want anything expensive since I have a three-year-old and a vomit-prone cat. Just something to change-up the room and replace the ragged rug currently here.

When I got home from work today there was a package at my front door addressed to Jackson Sray from Amazon.com. Jackson saw it and asked what it was, if it was a present. I said, "I don't know, let's see." When I told him it had his name on it, he was so excited. "For me? For meeeeee?" He kept saying. We opened it to find an awesome portable DVD player equipped with a car kit and carrying case. I dug around in the box and found the sales slip with my Dad's name on it. My Dad is pretty awesome. He doesn't always show up to the birthday party with a present for the kid who will receive a ton of stuff that day and won't know the difference. But you can always count on a random thoughtful present of something cool and useful when ou least expect it. And especially something sure to be useful on the 2 1/2-hour drive to see Grandpa.



Here are a couple of great pictures from this weekend's cast party at Kyle's house courtesy of the awesome Tony Zavaleta.

A confession

Today was the cast party for David's show that closed last Sunday. We made a pot roast in the slow cooker to take to the party. I prepped it and had it in the fridge and David set his alarm and got up at three a.m. to turn it on so it would be piping hot and ready for the afternoon party at Kyle & Dave's house. Pretty easy and we really like to take hearty food to such parties. I like to feed people and meat and potatoes or an awesome ham/corn chowder is usually quickly eaten up.

We had a good time. Jackson's playmate Alex was there and the two of them played really well and entertained each other and everyone else. It was a good day of talking kids and theatre in the hot tub. Not such a bad life.


I have been a little introspective lately, thinking about where to go in my life from here. Baby? Theatre? Feeling done with illness and such. My hair is growing out and looking ok. Money is getting a little tight and we are trying not to look at the 401k. Don't figure there is any point. It either disappears or it doesn't and to tell you the truth I have never felt any security in that and the promise of social security for retirement. I pretty much have always figured on it not being there. I didn't and don't think it can last and certainly not till I am in my late 60's and need it. I don't trust our lawmakers, who will never have to live on it, to guard it for those of us who will. And this current plundering of the taxpayer wallets so that the millionaires don't feel any pain doesn't make me any more confident. Of course my personal situation makes me care even less about retirement since I pretty much doubt that I will live to an old age. You know, that cancer thing and all. And I am almost sometimes ok with that. I want to live, of course, but I somehow feel like if I want it too badly, if I focus on it too much, I will jinx the possibility. So I don't count on it and try not to think about it.

Try, I say. I try not to think about it. Not so successful when you can't sleep in the wee hours of the morning. I have come to some interesting conclusions about my own mortality. Most interesting is my fear of losing people close to me. I have thankfully not experienced the untimely death of a loved one. And the thought of that is so unbelievably, painfully, breath-taking that I wonder if I could even go on. If I could survive it. The loss of a child, a spouse, a parent too, too young. I push these thoughts as far from me as I can in an attempt to pull a child's "I can't hear you, la la la la la!" I say to myself and anyone listening that I would rather have the cancer myself, I am happy to have it rather than my son or my husband. I will do it. I can handle it. But I sometimes wonder in the depths of my psyche if it isn't possible that I got cancer, that I have the specter of dying painfully young simply so I can avoid the immense terror of losing someone else. Do you see? I have to go first. I simply couldn't bear it any other way. Is this my bargain with the universe? Take me, not them.

Now how fucked up is that? I am sure I will hear all kinds of opinions. But this thought has been beating around in my brain for some time now and I guess I just had to get it out.

Quicky

I am really too tired to blog effectively tonight. But I figured I'd post a couple of quick Jacksonisms while they are fresh. First an early morning exchange:

5:30 am

Jackson: Mama, will you be my buddy?
Me: Huh? Oh, yes of course I'll be your buddy. Go back to sleep.
Jackson: Mama...what's a buddy?


Then after his bath when as usual he came running out into the living room to throw his naked self into my lap, he saw that I was looking at one of my crack websites (www.awfulplasticsurgery.com) and saw this picture.

He asked, "Mama, why does she have balloons stuck on her?" Why indeed son, why indeed?

Family Time is nice

Ah, Jackson. That three-year-old fountain of hilarious things to say in the wee hours of the morning. At about three this morning he was in my bed (of course)when he heard David's stomach growl, or gurgle, or something. I was mostly asleep at the time and don't normally pay attention to such things. But Jackson perked right up. "What was that?" He asked in a softly fearful voice. Noises in the night often scare him and this was no different. I was about to comfort him when he lay back down and comforted himself. He whispered, "No need to be scared of fart noises." I lay there quietly laughing for at least a minute or two before I fell back to sleep.

It has been a busy 24 hours. Yesterday was the closing of David's show. My Dad came to town to see it again and brought my brother, who had never seen David on stage. That is a big testament to how awesome this show was, my Dad drove 3 1/2 hours to see it a second time and made arrangements for both him and my brother to be away from the store at the same time.

He also called my sister and talked her into coming to town (from the Houston area) with her boys. She was waiting at my house after we got home from the show and we all went out to dinner. It isn't often that all three of us kids are in the same place at the same time. Dad took the opportunity to make Thanksgiving plans and everyone indicated it would be less driving all around to do it at my place. My sister and Dad live 6 hours apart and my place is in between. So we are having the whole clan here for Thanksgiving. Dad, Brother & Sister and their kids and mine - all the grandkids. Hopefully my Mom and Tonya and my Grandmother can come too.

We'd love to David's folks too, make it the whole fam damily, but I suspect they may want to stay in Harker Heights and have their own dinner. That is ok. I just wish I could be in two places at once. I don't want to miss anything. David really likes going shopping with his folks the day after Thanksgiving to the wee morning door-buster sales. So we will probably work it out so that he can spend the night at his parent's house and participate in the black Friday activities with them.

After dinner last night, my Dad and Brother had to head back to Santa Anna. Jenni and the boys stayed overnight with me. All three boys started the night in Jackson's car bed. But the morning found Jen's boys in the guest room with her and Jackson in my bed with me. She let me sleep in though. I got up to blueberry muffins warm from the oven and my sister cleaning out my pantry. I have an awesome walk-in pantry with great shelving. Unfortunately, I am a disorganized pack-rat. My sister somehow enjoys emptying my pantry, prompting me to get rid of the excess, consolidate, recycle and put it all back in an organized fashion. She also weeded my front bed. I feel bad she worked so hard, but she seemed happy to be doing it and I sure like my cleaned-up pantry.

Mom bought he mom over along with my brother's two little girls this morning. So we had a rare gathering of all 5 grandkids. I am not used to five kids in my house, but it wasn't so bad. They are all good kids. The boys play too rough sometimes and everyone is too loud, but isn't that to be expected? Jackson got a little overwhelmed with all the kids in his turf, playing with his toys, but since we knew he was overstimulated we simply removed him from the living room. We put him in his favorite place -a bubble bath full of his toys. After that he calmed down and was able to play with the kids again.

Everyone took off about 1:45 and Jackson and I headed to the Palace to work for a few hours. He napped like a champ, he was so exhausted. Me too. I expect to sleep well tonight. We shall see if Jackson has anything awesome to say tonight.

October Anti-med thoughts

Last night Jackson came climbing into our bed at about 2 am, same as he usually does. Instead of a nice clear space in the bed between me and his daddy though, he found David in the area, blocking 'Jackson's' spot. He exclaimed quite loudly for 2 in the morning, "Daddy, you're sleeping in my way!"

I am tired of all things medical. I want to get my port out asap. I don't want to go in next week to get it flushed. If fact, I probably won't. I got a letter in the mail that the cancer center has moved. Left Georgetown Hospital. Guess they got a better deal with Seton - the new one about 5 miles from my house. I haven't been there yet. I am sure it is really nice, but I have been planning my visits on Jackson's school days. I drop Jackson off in Georgetown and go to the appointment and then to work...in Georgetown. So now I will have to drive to Georgetown to take Jackson to school, back to Round Rock for my Appt and then back to Georgetown to work.

So I may have to change my habits, do it on a non-school day and take Jackson with me or get child-care. That is fine, but it adds to my distaste for any unnecessary visits. Like port flushes. I haven't used this port since December, but faithfully every month I go in, suffer the uncomfortable and sometimes painful access and flush. And I pay for that service, not much, but it isn't free. And I just want the thing out. I feel it in there floating around, hanging out there reminding me of my past need of it. It mocks me. (It doesn't really mock me, I just really wanted to say that.) I tried to call the office this week to see what I have to do to schedule its removal, but with the move came a new number and I keep forgetting to find the letter they sent and change their number in my phone.

I also don't want to have scans any more. At least not every three months. I am just tired of living like a fragile sick person every day, keeping a calendar of appointments, exposing myself to more radiation. Cancer will always be there, hanging over my head and maybe it will come back and maybe it won't. But I am sick to death of thinking about it and living life with my eyes always on my next scan, waiting for it to proclaim me well for another day.

Both Dr. George and the doc from the Planet Cancer retreat indicated to me that if this cancer comes back we will know it without a scan. I will have symptoms and my blood work will show something. Then a scan can confirm.

So out, out damned port. And back off on the scans.

I got off the headache meds again. I can't be on them if I want to have another baby. Headache doctor says so and so does the lady parts doctor. I can't be on them. So in my current mood of 'screw all things medical' I quit taking them. Again.

And I lost 3 pounds in under two weeks. I suspected they had a hand in my inability to kick the last five or six chemo-pounds as that is a side effect I have read about. And this proves it for me. So I don't really want to get back on them. But the headache and dizziness are back too. I have been sitting here googling migraine associated vertigo and treatment options and there are other meds. But they are all category C or D for pregnancy. Not good. I get some relief with antihistamines, but am finding conflicting information on whether Allegra is ok or not. I can't just be dizzy and in pain all the time. But I have been told that most women don't have migraine problems while they are pregnant.

Course we don't know if I can actually get pregnant and when/if that will happen. I just gotta get myself to a point that I am not taking harmful meds to hamper the process. So I am going to kick the nortryptaline habit if it kills me.

Ha ha, I am laughing now because I realize cancer survivors shouldn't use stock terms like "sick to death of" and "if it kills me." But I think it's funny. Reminds me of a discussion we had at the Planet Cancer Retreat. We all sat around talking about all the dufus things non-cancer people say sometimes. And we all seemed to experience some version of people thinking we are not entitled to complain about petty problems. Like "You shouldn't worry about things like that, you should just be grateful you are still alive." Really? I should? Thanks so much, you have put my life into perspective for me. I won't worry about life's problems at all any more since I am just damned lucky to be here.

I guess I shouldn't. I guess they have a point. A small one.

Why isn't it raining brokers and execs in NYC?

Headline from Fark.
"Flush with taxpayer cash, AIG executives head to "conference" at expensive luxury resort."
A $440,000 retreat for the AIG executives. A big 'suck it' to all of us taxpayers.

I can't even begin to describe how angry that and this whole bailout makes me. This picture, however makes me feel a tiny bit better.

Here's the ABC news article.

Busy Weekend...sooo tired...

It has been a very busy couple days. Last night my Dad came to town to see David's show and we took Jackson to stay at Kid space for the first time. We had gone on Thursday afternoon to check out the place and register. It is a drop-in childcare center that is open til 10 p.m. on weeknight, 12:30 a.m. on Friday and Saturday and 7:00 p.m. on Sundays. I have had a hard time finding help watching Jackson lately, mostly because lately I have been wanting to get out of the house more often to see shows and have a social life. Wendy, who is in the show with David recommended Kid Space and has been using it for years. So we decided to give it a try. They have a large open play space with lots of toys and things to do and Jackson seemed to enjoy himself on the visit Thursday. They answered all the questions I had and we set him up to come stay on Friday so Dad and I could see David's show.

We dropped him off about 6:30, had a great dinner at Outback Steakhouse and headed in to Austin for the show. Which was awesome. It was my fourth time seeing it and I enjoyed it as much this time as the last three times. How could I not enjoy this perfect mix of vocal and comedic talent? I am not going to gush anymore, cause it would be boring and redundant, but really, I am proud to know these actor and overjoyed to be married to one of them. Wow.

After the show, my Dad drove my car home while David and I went to fetch Jackson. Kid Space turns down the lights and puts out sleeping mats about 9ish as they transition the kids to 'quiet time.' But we were not surprised to find Jackson wide awake and happy to see us when we got there. I had hopes that he would sleep, and maybe at some point he will sleep when I take him there. But he doesn't want to miss anything and that means I need to temper my use of evening Kid Space to make sure I am not causing too much sleep deprivation. He was tired already fro a few late nights this week, but him being up till midnight last night meant he really needs to make up on some sleep.

And so do I. Late nights this week - saw David's show on Wednesday, helping out my Mom and Tonya on Thursday and then last night. Not just the show, which kept me out til midnight. It was a really weird night. I was too tired to sleep well, my body ached with it, but I couldn't manage much more than a surface, dream-heavy sleep. Was not restful. And Jackson was probably feeling the same way; he came flopping into my sleep space about 4:00. And then the weird started. At 5:30 in the morning I thought I heard the doorbell ring. My Dad sleeping in the guest room heard it too and we met in the hallway. I let him answer it cause I am a chicken.

But I shouldn't have been. On my porch were three young ladies dressed in some kind of costume resembling witches. Not exactly witches. More color, less black. I shoulda got a picture. My Dad said I should, but it was 5:30 in the morning and I was deliriously tired and not thinking well. It seems these girls were looking to kidnap a Jr member of their high school color guard. Except they had the wrong address and Ashley does not live at my house. This is a common initiation thing with cheerleading and drill teams and such. The parents are all in on it and know that at 5:30 in the morning their daughter will be 'kidnapped' in her jammies to some location for some kind of ritual or other, hopefully nothing dangerous. I didn't ask them what they were going to do with Ashley if they ever found her. I sure wish my brain had been working at the time. My Dad found the whole thing very amusing and he laughed and talked with the girls for a few minutes till they headed out to regroup. Dad had to get back to Santa Anna and since he was up, decided to go ahead and set out.

After I saw him off I went back to my bed where my sleeping child and husband missed the entire thing. I went back to unrestful sleep until about 7:45 when Jackson decided to wake up. I got up with him to turn on some Mickey Mouse and get him out of his pull-up. And almost stepped on the eviscerated dead animal on my carpet. Luckily it was still dark in my room and Jackson could not see what it was, just a dark blob. He assumed the cat had poo'd and wanted to 'take a look at the cat poop.' I got him out of the room and set up in the living room and I threw an old kitchen towel over the deceased mammal and got back into my bed. For five minutes. Because my foggy, over-tired body and brain took five minutes to say, 'hey dumb ass, there is an eviscerated small animal bleeding on your carpet, covering it with a towel and letting it dry is not going to make it any easier or any less gross to clean up. So I loudly sighed hoping the resident cat-gift cleaner upper still sleeping in the bed next to me would wake up and take care of it.

And he did. I helped by fetching gloves and trash bags for the deceased mouse or rat - not sure which, it was bigger than the normal field mice we are used to seeing, but it didn't have the long tail I associate with rats. We broke out the ShamWow and David did the lion's share of the nasty work while Jackson obliviously watched Disney. He's a good man, that David, to wake up and take care of the gift his cat had brought in. And I definitely recommend any other cat and/or kid owners out there to order yourself some ShamWow. I bought them for David and Elaine for their birthdays in August. It was a gag gift because of the stupid commercials we all make fun of. But damn. They are really good for cleaning up Jackson spills, but they also got all the blood and gore out of my carpet. Their trick is absorbency. We poured lots of water mixed with oxyclean on the stains, soaked them totally and then used the ShamWow to soak it all up and it takes the spill/rat guts with it. Ok, I am done talking about that. Yuck. Get a ShamWow. Nuff Said.


So then it was 8:15. On Saturday October 4th. The day of the Leukemia Cup Regatta at the Austin Yacht Club that I had been invited to. Sailboat races benefiting the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. LLS invited me to come on the spectator Yacht 9:30 till 12:30. David and I had planned to take Jackson to ride on the boat and see the sailboats, but we were so darn tired we were wavering. Well I was wavering, David was sure. He didn't want to go. I didn't blame him. I was exhausted and wanted to go back to bed. But I also don't get invited to go on a yacht to see sailboat races very often. In fact it had never happened before. So I thought it would be stupid to not go. I was tempted to go by myself and leave Jackson with David. I could take a book with me and just kick up my feet and relax on the boat. But I couldn't do that knowing how much he would enjoy going with me, no matter how much work it would be.


And it was. I mean a three-year-old on the upper deck of a yacht wants nothing more than to hang over the railing to look at the water, which is forbidden. So it was tough. But it was worth it. There were lots of kids there. I met a little girl who was born 5 days after Jackson. She had no hair at all because she was being treated for lymphoma like I had. Once again I was thankful that it was me that cancer struck and not my child. And I was glad I brought him. He wouldn't pose for any pictures, he was tired and it makes him a little crotchety, even when he is having fun. This came out in his refusal to look at the camera for anyone to take our picture. So I tried to take one myself, but couldn't get us both in frame. So here is the best I could do.




We got to see lots of sailboats though. And it was nice and windy and they were going really fast. It looked like alot of work to steer and control the boats, but it looked like they were having fun. And raising money for LLS. So I am glad I dragged myself and Jackson out there.


I was dog tired when we got home and David awesomely let me take a nap. He let Jackson get out of his nap though. And he probably should have had one. He was so tired by 4:30 that he fell asleep on the floor for about three minutes until he peed his pants. (The ShamWow really got a workout today) Poor kid. He woke up and wanted a bath and I got him into his bed at 7:00 and he was asleep by 7:20.


And speaking of sleeping on the floor, this has become a habit for the small boy. We put him in bed, either for a nap or bedtime and he sneaks out into the long hall between his room and the living room and he lays there playing with a car or kicking his feet until we find him like this.


Or this. Not sure what I should do about this. If anything. I am glad I was able to get him to bed nice and early tonight. But he is really over-tired and is sleeping very fitfully. He has halfway woken up crying and disoriented twice. I do the same thing when I am too tired to sleep. I don't wake up crying, I just sleep like crap and have a rough time. So tomorrow I need to make sure he and I both get good naps and get into bed at a decent hour or we both will continue being miserably tired.

Sigh. I sure hope those girls found Ashley. It would suck if she got left out of the whole newby kidnapping adventure cause her kidnappers didn't get the right address. Don't guess I will ever know one way or the other. Geez, I'm tired.

Clean house!

I am sitting in my very clean house and enjoying it. I scheduled a house cleaning for this morning, by the lady who I had cleaning regularly while I was on chemo. I stopped scheduling her last December when I was done with treatment. I felt that I should clean my own house and didn't want to spend the money on something I should do myself. But it got a little out of control lately and needed a really good scrubbing. And with David doing a show and not being around to help, I sure was getting behind. So I broke down and called Chela and she came this morning. Ahhhhh. Can I just look at my mopped kitchen floor and both bathrooms clean at the same time and say "ahhhhhh?"

I got to see David's show again last night with my Mom and Tonya and they loved it. I am enjoying it so much, and as I knew it would be, it was well worth the sacrifice of having David gone way more than was comfortable. It got very hard near the end. But I am so proud of him and proud of the show. I don't know if I ever put up the link to the online review they got - with pictures. So I will do that now. Here it is. See September 21st entry.

Link also goes to a review for The Producer's which finally opened at the Palace last weekend after much labor on many many people's part. I saw a tech rehearsal of the show and was pretty impressed with the production values that were in place at that time. That was a Tuesday and they had 4 more days to get thing ready. I won't see the finished product till after David's show closes in two weeks, and by then, I am sure it will be a well-oiled production. I can't wait. I am pretty proud to work for a small theatre company that will look at a bear of a show like that and say "Hell yeah, we can do that!"

Bloggy blog

I should start by reporting that my PET/CT scan came out clean - no evidence of lymphoma. And no one knows what is up with my hand. Just that there was 'uptake' in my left hand so it lit up on the scan. But there isn't anything wrong that they can see and they don't think I have cancer hand. So whatever, I am just not going to worry about it, since I honestly think if there were something wrong with it, I would feel something.

Other than that news there is only this: I am having a really hard time blogging lately. I seem to have lost the secure feeling that describing the near-intimacies of my life are actually interesting to other people. It almost seems like extreme egomania to assume that people are eagerly waiting to read the mundane ins and outs of my life.

I mean do you really want to hear about my visit to the girly-parts doctor today? We are looking at this year's results closely because my last test came back abnormal, but because I was on chemo at the time they let it go. Oh, I guess here is something interesting: I do not have HPV. I have been tested for HPV, I swear at least 10 years in a row. And every year they reveal with awe that I don't have it. And I have had abnormal tests in the past and the docs always seem flabbergasted that I don't have it. This is an STD that something like 3/4ths of women have. My last doctor told me that you could take 10 women on the UT campus and 9 of them would have it. It causes abnormal cervical cells and sometimes cervical cancer. And most women have it. But not me. That may sound like bragging, and well maybe it is. But I had cancer dammit, let me be happy that I don't have HPV.

So since I don't have HPV, they didn't worry last year about my abnormal cells. But if I still have them this year, I will have to have more tests. But I can rest assured that those further tests, unpleasant as they might be, will not reveal that I have HPV. Since I am one of the very few who don't. Okay, now I am bragging.

See? Is this interesting? I guess no one is forcing anyone to read it. So I can write whatever the hell meaningless BS I want to and if people go "What is this shit? We want to read about cancer and living and deep, meaningful thoughts!" Well, they can stop reading and find a blog more to their liking.

There. I feel better already.

Maybe I just got inspiration because Bridget Jones' Diary is on the TV in the background and no matter how so-so the movie is, the book is great. Meaningless fun. And I loved that Bridget was so obsessed with her weight. Each diary entry began with a run-down of her weight, how many cigarettes and booze that day and a calorie count. Only in a book you can do something that you can't in a movie. They never tell you her height. Only her weight. And as she loses weight and gets down to 118 or 119 pounds her friends begin to comment on how sick she looks. So you get the idea that Bridget is not actually heavy at all. Only neurotic. But in the movie, they have to cast an actual woman to play the part. So Bridget has to be a bit pudgy. And then in the stupid sequel she was even bigger. Unnecessarily so. I just want to yell. She wasn't fat. She was weight-obsessed and insecure, but they never actually said she had a weight problem. Anyway, I loved the original book. Lots of girly fun.

And today the stock market is tanking. And I have a wild urge to go spend all my money - excuse me, I mean credits. Cause I don't have any money. I have only credits that stay at the bank and I debit with my plastic card. Not sure what that matters, but all the sudden I have an urge to call my money 'credits' and also the urge to spend it. Cause it may not be available to me tomorrow, I guess.

Retreat

Okay, here is the long-awaited post about the retreat last weekend.


Last Friday morning, I decided to ask my mom to switch cars with me for the weekend so I didn't have to worry about whether the people and luggage would all fit at the airport. It also took the pressure off my packing, but I still managed to get everything I needed into one bag. I printed out a 'Planet Cancer Retreat' sign to hold up at the baggage claim and headed out.

I took Jackson with me to switch cars; took my car to the hospital where mom was working and she met us in the parking garage to switch keys. I thought the boy would enjoy the outing and since it was David's opening night, I though he could use an hour of quiet before I took off on my retreat and left him with Jackson. But Jackson behaved unreasonably the whole time. When we got there, he said he didn't want Grammy to say hi to him. Didn't want to see her. Then he refused to get in her car. He wanted us to go home in my car even though I had explained several times that the purpose of the trip was to switch cars. He just couldn't let it go. I finally had to drag him in and force him into his seat. And he cried and screamed the whole way home.

I suspect that he may have been upset because he saw me packing my bag and I told him I was going to a retreat. And he usually stays with my mom, so the combo of watching me pack and switching cars must have put him on edge, add my mom's presence and he was freaked out. So I guess it's understandable, just difficult.

When I got to the airport with my list of three ladies to pick up, I found three ladies waiting for a ride to the Planet Cancer Retreat, except two of them were not on my list. They had been at the airport waiting for a couple of hours already; Planet Cancer had mistaken their arrival times. So when the other two ladies who were on my list arrived, there were five people - six including me -and all our bags. A Planet Cancer rep was being sought to come after the people I couldn't fit. But I was really uncomfortable with the idea of leaving anyone there. Especially the two who had been there for two hours already.

Unsure of what to do, we all walked outside to await another car. As it happened, the facilitator and the artist for the retreat were also outside waiting for their ride who showed up as we were walking out. They had room for one more and so did I. So I took 4 other participants to the retreat. So it is a good thing I switched cars with my mother even if it was hard on Jackson for some reason known only to him.

When we got to The Crossings, we checked in and got our room keys, left our bags to be taken to our room and after a quick bite to eat, I headed to the spa building for a massage. My neck and shoulders were so stiff and painful that checking my blind spot while driving was hard. I had made an appt for 3:00 and made it just in time after the confusion/delay at the airport. Pretty nice facility; they gave me a key to a locker in the women's locker room. In it was a robe and flip flops and after I changed I was sent to a small lounge waiting room to fill out a questionnaire about what my goals for the session were and areas of trouble that I wanted focused on. This was my first massage. And because I was in such pain on my neck, my goal was pretty clear: loosen my neck and try to give me more range of motion back. I wanted to enjoy the weekend and the pain and stiffness was bad enough that I had to constantly change positions to relieve the pain. It sucked. And I am glad I got the go ahead from David to spend such a gross amount of money on a massage. Not something I plan to do often.

If I decide to make massage a part of my life I will certainly not be having them at the Crossings. And I may want to have semi-regular massages. The therapist was alarmed at the tightness in my neck and shoulders. I told her I am tight on a good day but this was extreme. The massage itself was pretty painful. I knew it was going to be. But I could feel my muscles loosen as she worked. It felt much better afterwards, but I still had to work with it all weekend. The difference was that I was able to stretch it myself and ibuprofen helped a lot. So I am glad I got an exorbitant massage first thing on the retreat.

Afterwards, I went back to my room to freshen up before going to meet the group in our home-base, the library. The rooms were double occupancy and one of the ladies that I picked up at the airport was my roomie. Barb is from Arlington Virginia, which is really part of D.C. We really got on well and since we are both lymphoma survivors and moms of small children, we had much to talk about. We were both happy with our room assignment. We felt comfortable with one another and stuck together for much of the retreat.

Making friends there was not difficult, though, because when you have such a big thing in common, you don't need much ice broken and small talk among cancer survivors is surreal. We compare diagnoses and ask each other what the stupidest thing anyone ever said to you was. I met some awesome people that I am certain to keep in touch with. There were probably 30 participants plus 4 or 5 staff/facilitators. So we were not a huge group, just about right, I'd say.

The officially facilitated fun that first night included a bingo-esq question/answer game in which a bingo won you various rubber duckies. I won three and gave them to Jackson. A about 9:45 we were released for free-time by the pool or in our rooms or whatever. Many of us headed over to the cafe to check on the wine situation. It was bleak. The wine bar closed at 9:00. The group milled about for a few minutes discussing various plans - "Do we leave the property for a local bar? Make a beer run? Who would go? What time do they shut the gates? Are there gates?" And for some reason people sort of drifted off without a resolution, leaving 4 of us standing there. I aid to Barb, "Are we gonna accept this?" Nope. Since I had a car on premises and am familiar with the area, we decided to procure some wine and bring it back for a glass at the pool. Another participant with us remembered that she had a bottle of vodka in her car from a wedding shower and asked us to pick up some cranberry juice.

It may sound like we are a bunch of lushes that couldn't deal with having no alcohol, but Barb and I agreed it was more of a 'no kids' thing. Here we were, she and I with pre-school age kids, out at a wellness resort for the weekend. Not driving anywhere, not having to be available for a small child in the middle of the night. And dammit we wanted to have a glass of wine by the luxury pool. So we went on a wine run to the HEB and bought 6 bottles, enough to share for the weekend. And a couple of children's flashlights. It was really dark on the paths at The Crossings and thought they would come in handy. And we could give them to our kids when we got home.

When we got back we found the 6 or so remaining people at the pool and sat in the moonlight with our wine shooting the shit. It was nice. We got to our room and into bed about 1:00 in the morning with plans to get up at 7ish for breakfast with the whole group.


Here is me and my roomie, Barb from DC.

*******


Awesome things from day two were many. We had a painting workshop in which Kevin demonstrated each and every stroke of this painting until each of us was able to paint something we'd be happy to bring home. Even me. Here is my painting. Makes me laugh that David wants to frame it and hang it up in the house. I guess it looks ok, but really, the way it was taught to us, anyone could do it. Kevin was awesome.

I spent a little time at the pool. I didn't feel like swimming, just wanted to hang out and take in the scenery and the day. Here is the pool from a few different views. It is magnificent.



Saturday night we had a party at the cafe and patio with a beautiful view. What did we all do at the party? We played board games and made wallets and purses out of colored duct tape. Yup. Purses out of duct tape. I had never seen such a thing. But the beautiful detailed work some people were doing made me do one crappy little coin purse real quick to prove that it could be done. Mine is not even close to the awesomeness that was happening at the duct tape table. Just trust me. I may have some pictures when Planet Cancer sends out the photo disk. The picture of mine will have to do for now.

I used teal blue duct tape for the outside and hot pink tape for the inside.


Over drinks on the patio I had a chance to talk to the oncologist who spent the weekend with us. We had a doc and a nurse just in case anyone needed anything. There were some participants still on treatment or with lasting health issues. Anyway, they encouraged us to hit up Christian (he asked us not to call him Dr.) with any questions or concerns or anything. Said when would we ever be having a beer with our own doctors. Turns out he is a leukemia/lymphoma specialist from Scott & White in Temple. I talked to him a little bit about my treatment and was surprised to learn that R-CHOP, which is the chemo regimen I did, is actually considered one of the more tough chemos to do. As far as being sick from it and the side effects. That made me feel...good somehow. Like it really was tough and I wasn't just wimpy. When I hear about people that go through chemo and continue to work full time I always feel like such a wimp. Cause I didn't have to do that and I didn't feel like I could have. I suspect you simply do what you must. But it felt good to hear that it is considered to be one of the harder regimens. Of course that may mean that the long-term damage to my body from it all is worse too. I didn't win the lottery here.

We talked about the fact that I still have my port and have had clean scans for nearly a year. I told him it was my friend and I couldn't imagine being hospitalized or going through treatment with out it. He told me to say goodbye to my friend and take the port out already. He is about the same age as my doc - young. But he is much more open about saying what he thinks. Of course I am not his patient thus the relationship was of friends at a party shooting the shit. But it was really cool to ask him what he thought about things. He knows lymphoma, has been over my records as a condition of me being accepted at the retreat. And I asked him what he thought about me having another baby. He wanted to know what the hell I was waiting for. Dr. George is more conservative. Won't really say either way, but gives me the impression that he wants me to wait or to not do it. Christian says he counsels patients in my place to go for it. He said, "You can't put your life on hold forever. Just do it. Have a baby if you want one." He also explained that the new research is not advising patients like me to have PET/CT scans every 3 months. He says most recurrences are being found between scans, through blood work or symptoms and exam. The scans are simply exposing me to more and more radiation that can't be good for me, especially since they increase my chances of breast cancer. I told him my doctor was cutting way down on my scans after this September one and he thought that was good. It was really awesome to be shooting the shit with a lymphoma specialist over a glass of wine at a party. Just awesome. And I know where to find him in the future if for some reason I wanted his advice. Awesome.

So I guess I will be talking to Dr. George about getting my port out. Christian called me out on it. So I guess my implanted safety blanket has to go.

On Sunday I hiked a little after breakfast with my new Midwestern friend, Becky. Check out the chapel and grounds, accessible only by trail.




Here is me and Becky. At the beginning of the retreat she was wearing a wig, then moved to a bandanna, then took enough poking from the rest of us to go uncovered. She looks great and left maybe a little more confident about the way she looks than when she arrived. I told her that it was at about where she is in hair-growth when I started going out coverless.



I briefly attended the writing workshop they offered. It was a journaling thing with various prompts to get you started. I didn't think I would find much benefit from it as I am a blogger and I generally don't need any help letting my feelings out especially on paper. But I am glad I stopped by because the leader of the class handed out this piece that really moved me. So much so that I couldn't journal on it. I may at some point. But not then, in a group already mostly in tears as they wrote privately. I didn't want to go there right then. But I was glad for the poem. Hope you are too.

You Reading This, Be Ready

Starting here, what do you want to remember
How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?
What scent of old wood hovers, what softened
sound from outside fills the air?

Will you ever bring a better gift for the world
than the breathing respect that you carry
wherever you go right now? Are you waiting
for time to show you some better thoughts?

When you turn around, starting here, lift this
new glimpse that you found, carry into evening
all that you want from this day. This interval you spent
reading or hearing this, keep it for life-

What can anyone give greater than now,
starting here, right in this room, when you turn around?

-William Stafford


Just about the perfect piece to give to a room full of young cancer survivors, eh?

Scan today

I know folks are waiting for me to post all about the retreat this past weekend. I am working on it. Maybe halfway done. But there is so much to say and it is taking me a bit. But I wanted to go ahead and post about this week before I get so far behind I am overwhelmed.

So I will start with today and work backward. I had a PET/CT scan today, one of my regularly scheduled cancer checks. I managed to talk them in to doing them at the same time without confirmation that my insurance will pay for it. They think Aetna will pay it, in fact they have verbal confirmation that they will pay it. And if for some reason Aetna won't cover it all, they say that will not affect my portion of it. So they are taking the risk they won't be paid for it all because I complained about how sucky it is to split them up. So now if it gets denied I will feel so bad. But I got my way this time and I can't say I am sorry I did.

The scan went ok. I was really latte due to leaving a little late and getting stuck in traffic. When I realized how late I was going to be, I called and gave them a heads-up. I was 30 minutes late and so embarrassed to come waltzing in. I told the lady at the desk I would reschedule if I needed to, but they said they could still take me if we hurried over. Seems there was more at stake than my table time with the scanner. My injection would expire and would be unusable. It was 9:00 and we had til 9:30. Not a problem for me. I was already in my yoga pants and t shirt with no metal anywhere on me. And I have had many scans there so the paperwork I needed was minimal. They just had to get my IV in and test my blood sugar. It only took two tries to get the IV started. They insisted on the big one, the 20 gauge, so it isn't pleasant. But they got it in and I quickly downed the jug of delicious barium before they whisked me down the hall to the uptake room. That is where they inject you with the radioactive sugar and leave you for an hour in a recliner covered in warm blankets with a heater blowing on you. I walked in at 9:00 and got settled in for my nap at 9:15. They were awesome to take me when I was so late, but I am sure they didn't want to waste the injection. It is probably pretty expensive and I bet they can't bill my insurance for it even though it would have been my fault it got wasted. It all worked out, thankfully.

After the scan I changed into my street clothes but before I could leave they called me back in to do another couple of scans on my hands. Apparently there was something weird on their pictures of my left hand. She asked me if I had injured it lately. I have no idea what it could be, unless there is something in my fake nails distorting things. I can't think there is actually anything wrong with my hands. I mean really, cancer hands? I don't think so. I will ask Dr. George what that was all about in a few days when he gets results.

Yesterday Jackson had a well-check first thing in the morning before school. I needed a wellness statement for the pre-school so had to go in. I didn't expect it, but he needed a shot. We were apparently behind on one and they needed him to have a Hep B shot. I wasn't prepared for that. I hadn't prepared Jackson for that. I didn't really have time to decide what to do or say to prepare him for it. I didn't want to explain what a shot was and that it would hurt and then sit there waiting for the nurse to come give it to him for 15 minutes while he grew more and more agitated. So I waited till the nurse came in with it and told him it was a shot of medicine to keep him from getting sick. It happened so fast I don't know if he understood me when I told him it might hurt a little. He was not prepared, though it probably wouldn't have mattered. He didn't start crying until it was done and he kept saying "Mommy, that hurt me!" Like I may not have known it and wouldn't have allowed it if I had. Poor baby. I took him to school afterwards, cause he still wanted to go and the doc said it was fine. My mom picked him up from school and kept him for the night so I could go to the scan this morning.

Sigh. That is all for now. I promise to write more tomorrow and work on my weekend essay for your enjoyment.

Perks

Just got home from the final dress rehearsal of my husband's show. It opens tomorrow night and it is gonna be good. They have worked so hard and the talent of these 4 actors is incredible. Their voices are soaring and when they harmonize together, there is nothing better. I love you, you're perfect, now change is playing for 4 weekends at the Hideout in Austin. If you are in the area, go see it. I laughed and cried and really enjoyed the journey through the eternal struggle of men and women. And I am so proud of David for taking on the challenge and more than holding his own with the near-professional cast of this show. He is first-rate and has taken his place among them. Cheers!

I won't be at opening night though. Tomorrow at noon I head out to the Planet Cancer retreat where I will enjoy the company of other young adult cancer survivors in the setting of a wellness spa. I hope to enjoy the weekend of nice weather and relaxing setting. I am considering an expensive massage because I have never had one and because my neck is really stiff and needs some help. I have to pack in the morning, decide what to take and try not to take too much. I am a notorious over-packer. I like to have choices. Just in case. But I need to restrain myself and remember it is only a weekend. I will limit myself to two pairs of shoes. Maybe.

I have to limit my packing because I am picking up 3 other survivors at the airport and taking them to the retreat. And I drive a small Hyundai. How many bags will they have and will they all fit in my car? I don't know. So I can't fill the trunk with my crap or they for sure won't all fit. Heh, hopefully the new practice of airlines charging for checked baggage will mean they will all pack lightly and the four of us and all our crap will fit just fine.

Not sure if I will have blogging access over the weekend. But I will write when I get home, if not. So bye for now, I'll be off enjoying all those cancer perks with my peers.

No tears

Jackson has been really missing his dad and had a hard time letting him go to work yesterday. He cried and cried and kept asking for his dad to come home. I managed to get him to school and he had a good day. But he sure has been missing his dad since he as been gone so much in rehearsals.

David took the rest of the week off because he is in tech week for his show. So today I asked him to pick Jackson up from school. I didn't tell the boy, just let his dad showing up be a surprise. David picked him up and they went for a milkshake and spent some time together. After dinner tonight, when David was getting ready to head to rehearsal, Jackson said to him, "I'm not going to cry, Daddy, I'm going to let you go." And he did.

Crisp Weather

It is mid-September and today we are getting a taste of crisp fall weather. Not stifling hot but nice, with a breeze that hints of a cold front coming. This weather always makes me feel excited and anxious. To me it will forever be linked with high school football weather. I feel the need to put on my leotard and skirt with a little purple bolero jacket. I am ready to take up my flag and hit the field with the marching band at half-time. I crave a Frito pie - with chili and cheese poured right in to open bag of Fritos. That was awesome. And meeting kids from other schools and hardly paying any attention to the football game, because the night was all about performing and socializing and eating and sometimes even making out on the bus ride home.

I feel this way at the beginning of every fall season. And it is always a bit of a downer to come home after work and not have a game to go to. I spend all day feeling expectant and excited and there is no bus waiting to take me to a game/performance. It kinda sucks.

This is why I tell all the high school kids I know who do a lot of theatre to absolutely participate in high school dance teams, band, theatre; everything they can. I see so many of them doing theatre with local theatres instead, but I tell them that we will still be here later, but this is the only time they get to perform the half-time show for their school. They need to do UIL one-act competitions and their Spring Musicals. They shouldn't miss out on that to play with the Palace all the time.

Sigh. I don't actually want to go back to high school, not even a little. But I do remember fondly my time spent in the color guard of the marching band. This weather and performing will always be linked for me. I just need to try to get into plays that go up in Sept/October to cash in on all this energy and expectation. And if I could possibly finagle a school bus ride to get to the theatre, that would be perfect.

Worn Out

I am finally sitting on my couch watching the boobtube and relaxing after a long day. Today was an odd day with a mixture of good and not so good. I overslept a bit and was in a hurry to get ready and pack Jackson's lunch and get him to school on time. I was a few minutes late, no big deal. But I did forget to check his backpack to make sure I had a change of clothes in there. Not so good, since he had dirty clothes in the bag from yesterday, not clean clothes for today. And he peed on the playground at school today and when they went for his clean clothes the cupboard (in this case the Lightning McQueen backpack) was bare. Crapola, I suck! The school apparently has an unclaimed clothes bin and managed to find some spares for him. But boy do I feel like a dufus.

And since we were going to the Palace for his nap where he had an opportunity to pee and need clothes, and going strait from work to the circus and might need clothes, I decided to make use of the washer at the theatre while Jackson napped. I figured it was hot enough outside to dry the clothes without a dryer since we don't have a working dryer at the Palace yet. So that is what I did. Washed his stuff, hung them to dry and had some spares just in case. Of course he didn't need them, so my effort was in vain. Oh well.

Another downer today was the migraine I got after I picked up the boy from school. Luckily I had a migraine pill with me, my last one, and managed to head off the worst of it. But I did feel pretty sick most of the afternoon. So much so that I almost cancelled the circus plans. But my Mom met me at the Palace and massaged my neck a little and helped me relax. I felt better almost immediately. Not so nauseated and woozy. she says I just needed to let the meds work. I say I just needed my mommy. So we got Jackson up from his nap and headed to the circus.


The Shriner's circus was held at the Sheriff's Posse Arena in Georgetown. In basically the show barn. Another stupid thing I did today was forget to get cash before going to the circus. We were in line for ticket when I realized, holy crap, I don't have enough cash. Luckily my mom had enough for our tickets and between us we had enough for a snow cone and some popcorn. Inside the barn we encountered dirt floors, of course, and about 90+ degrees. Man it was hot. We also ran right into the huge display of bloy up carnival-type balloons shaped like animals, sponge bob, the incredible hulk and so on. And of course Jackson was desperate for one. But alas we had no more cash, so no inflatable for Jackson. Also no twirly lights, glowing swords or elephant puppets on a stick. He was pretty upset, but there was enough going on that he settled down after about 10 minutes of begging fro various toys and hearing the same response. He understood after a while and began answering himself. "We don't have enough money for a balloon" he'd say. But not sadly really. I think he really understood that I was not telling him no, but I was saying that they wouldn't give us one. I got a few pictures before my camera batteries went kaput.



So we watched the acrobat troupe, the ladies who climb the rope and do aerial work, elephants, a juggler, a girl who did amazing things with a dozen hula hoops, and the grand finale - the motorcycle dudes in the iron globe. It was hot and literally dirty in there, but we managed to have a good time, see some cool stuff and in the end I found a couple more dollars hidden in my purse for a coloring book. Inside the coloring book was a voucher for a souvenir toy - a little plastic twirly airplane with propellers. Probably worth about a nickle from China, but it made Jackson happy. "We had enough money for an airplane!" He happily repeated. I guess I am teaching him about money.

Also cool was that in the parking lot, before the circus we met up, totally by chance, with my brother's ex-wife and my neices. So we all sat together and my mom got to visit with three of her grandchildren at the circus. It was nice to see them.

And now I am very beat. Migraine hangover, a little dehydrated and worn out. But happy that my mixed good/bad day weighed in a little heavier on the good side.

Tomorrow I will get up a little earlier so I can take a little more time on my hair style that I have to learn how to fix. I know it is possible now, I have seen it and have photographic evidence and I dropped some change on the exact styling products and equipment she used. It can be cute. If it looks crappy it is totally user error and not the fault of the hair or cut. So I bought a flat iron today so I can make the ends all flippy and a new hand mirror so I can see the back of my head. Mine got broken in a bathroom accident a few months ago and my 'whatever' attitude about my hair meant that I was indifferent to the way it looked in the back. Now I am beginning to care, so I bought a new one. I have studied yesterday's picture to see where I went wrong today and will have another go at it tomorrow.

Oh and my toe is not actually broken, some ice and some darvocet last night fixed me right up. I will endeavor not to drop sprinklers on it in the future. And it fricken rained like crazy last night. Sigh. The watering was unnecessary anyway.

Success at the Salon...I think

Okay, so I went to my hair appt with my hair in pretty rough shape. I barely bothered to fix it knowing I was going in to beg for help. It was lank and greasy-looking because the styling waxy stuff I have been using is too heavy for my hair. It worked well when my hair was very short to smooth things down, but I knew it wasn't what I needed. I just had no idea what I do need now. So I went in expecting to buy some products and my credit card was not disappointed. It is an Aveda Salon, so I know at least it is good stuff. And Maria knew immediately what we needed to do. She parted it on the other side, blew it out with the ends curling up and put this cool powder-that-turns-to-liquid stuff to texturize it. She also cut almost two inches off the back to end the mullet nightmare for another two months. The top of my hair has a long way to go to catch up with the back, so the plan is to keep the back cut and shaped while we wait for that to happen. The result is a style that I almost...actually...like. I am feeling pretty good about it. Maria figured out how to make the most of the length that I have. I walked out with my hair looking longer than when I went in. It was well worth the money I spent in there today.

I also got my nails done. So this morning I really indulged in some appearance therapy. And I feel good. So I took a self-portrait in the afternoon sunlight in my backyard. Ignore the dying grass please.

Jackson enjoyed another school day and made it through without wetting his pants. So far it has only been the first day that he had an accident. I am pleased that he got over having to ask a stranger for help going to the potty. And when I picked him up the teacher told me he was a good listener although he needs to be wrangled sometimes. She says he plays nicely with the other kids and loves to be out on the playground. She lost me at 'good listener.' Say what? Since when does he listen? He certainly doesn't listen to me. But I am glad he is behaving. He is still not eating much of his lunch. He gets too excited to eat. It took a few weeks for him to eat at school this past spring. I am hoping he will settle into it and eat his lunch soon. I bought a 10 oz thermos bowl with a wide mouth that keeps food hot for 5 hours. So I can pack soup or mac & cheese for him. I think he might like hot food better than sandwiches. Cause in his 3 year eating career he has never liked sandwiches of any kind. No burgers, no hot dogs, no tuna. He doesn't get the concept of picking up a sand which to eat it. Only wants to pull it apart and eat it that way if he eats it at all. Oh well.

Heh, I am watching House on TV. One of the docs is doing a bone marrow biopsy on a teenager. With only local anesthetic. "Take a deep breath, this is gonna hurt...a lot." Makes me laugh because when I had my bone marrow biopsy from the same place - hip bone, entered from the butt end - it was CT scan-guided, not done in a patient room and I had really good drugs. I don't remember feeling anything but the cold sharpie pen marking the 'X' on my ass in prep for the biopsy. They don't put you out, instead the drug cocktail (fentanyl & versed) both eases the pain and acts as an amnesiac. You don't remember. But I guess "Hold on, this is gonna hurt," makes for better TV. And I admit I did have a few of those moments during my cancer treatment. So I know they exist. Just not during my bone marrow biopsy.

I have lots on my calendar in the next few weeks. This Friday night is Andrea's 30th birthday party. Big night for my bf, she is joining the ranks of us geezers this side of 30. I am hoping to go welcome her to the crowd, but I need a sitter since David has rehearsal till 9:30 or 10.

Next weekend, 9/19 - 9/21 is the much anticipated Planet Cancer Young Survivor's retreat at The Crossings. It is a free weekend conference for survivors between 25 and 40(45?). I will get to meet other young adults from across the country who have been or are going through the roller coaster of a cancer diagnosis. Activities include a cooking demonstration from the chef at the resort, a writing/journaling workshop focused on therapeutic writing, an I didn't know I could paint workshop, and a stress reduction/coping techniques workshop. There is some free time scheduled and all the workshops are optional, so I get to decide what to do. I know I need to spend some time on their hiking trails. They also have a full service spa with massages and facials and such. They are kinda metaphysical, so they even have some numerology and astrology readings you can sign up for. Also on the campus that weekend they are beginning trapeze classes and I can sign up for one if I want to spring for the $90 myself. They teach trapeze basics that include a hand-catch to the coach. OMG, that sounds like fun! I don't know if I can pass that up, but I worry that I won't have the strength in my arms to do it. Not to mention my abs. I am pretty outta shape. And I am afraid of heights. I have to think about that one. Perhaps I will just make sure I go watch a class. I at least have to check it out.

Speaking of trapeze artists, the Shriner's circus in in Georgetown tomorrow for one day. They are doing a 4:30 and a 7:30 show. I haven't told him yet, but after work tomorrow, Mom is meeting me at the Palace and we are taking Jackson to the circus. I have heard it was coming for weeks, but I kinda forgot about it until today. I saw a poster and said, "crap, that is tomorrow!" I have to remember to take my stinking camera. I have gotten out of the habit of taking pictures lately.

Sigh, I just took a break to turn off the sprinkler and dropped it on my foot. I fear I may have broken something as I can barely move my little toe. That really sucks, I must say.