I am still here.

When you don't blog for a little while, it becomes a habit. Do people really want to hear about what I am doing on a daily basis? From the comments of friends and family complaining about my blog silence, I suppose for some reason they do. So here I am. Blogging.

My life at this time is full. I am working on two different shows. Talking With is a monologue show with North by Northwest Theatre company. There are six of us and we each have our own pieces to memorize and perform. Mine is a bizarre and awesome monologue about a baton twirler who finds religious ecstasy through twirling. I have borrowed batons from Andrea who, of course, took twirling lessons as a tween and my flag twirling skills from marching band are coming into play. Baton twirling and flag twirling are not exactly the same, but they translate enough to make me credible enough for the show. And I am hoping not to look too bad (and exposed) in the twirler costume. Dance tights are my friend. Talking With opens October 9th at the City Theatre in Austin and runs for two weeks. Posted is the publicity shot we took. It is missing Jen Coy who was sick the day of the shoot.

I have also been cast in the Palace Christmas Behemoth, otherwise known as the musical Annie. There are 27 scheduled performances which means that Mary Ellen needed almost three full casts to get them all covered without killing her actors at Christmas-time. So I said what the hell and threw my hat in the ring. If I am ever going to get better at musical auditions I will have to keep doing them. I get so nervous and can't sing my best. I did pretty well this time, though and I will be playing Lily, Rooster's girlfriend (the Bernadette Peters part from the movie). So I will be starting rehearsals for that immediately and anytime I am not needed at Talking With Rehearsals. Annie doesn't open til November 20th, so I have plenty of time after Talking With closes to catch up on the rehearsals I will miss while off doing the other show. I think it will be a fun part. It seems the last few shows I have been cast in have been for character roles. I have to shift my thinking some, because I am used to thinking in terms of the ingenue roles. But it seems my skills as I get older are evolving and I am being challenged to do characters that are quirky; different. I think this can only be a good thing and as I get older can only serve me well. So I am tentatively excited to play the trampy, blowzy, over-the-top Lily St. Regis from Jersey City.

So that is what I am up to. David has good theatre news, too. The list of B. Iden Payne nominations came out last week and David's show, I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change, was nominated for 4 awards including outstanding cast performance and outstanding production of a musical. In addition, the Austin Circle of Theatres folks asked the cast to perform a number at the awards ceremony! I am so excited for him. I was so proud of his performance in the show last year and I wanted to see it way more that the three times I managed to see. And now he is being recognized for it and it is so well deserved.

Enough for now. If I blog to much my first time back I might make myself sick - having lost my blog tolerance and all that.

Floor project!

The last week and a half has been very full of physical labor. We ripped the carpet out of all but the bedrooms in my house and are installing laminate floors. My house is a complete mess and I have been going to bed totally exhausted, but content. David's parents came this weekend to help get the majority of the floor layed. We had the house mostly prepped when they got here - carpet out, baseboards off, furniture out. We worked in the evenings all week last week to get it done.


And while we had the office empty, we took the opportunity to paint the dirty eggshell walls two shades of vibrant blue, which is getting mixed reviews from the peanut gallery. We like it though. If you are going to make the effort to paint, I say paint big. Andrea came over to help with the painting and Jackson enjoyed helping us paint as well. Though I will say that painting a room bright blue with a four-year-old's help is a lot of work. Especially since we were painting two walls darker blue and two walls lighter blue. Making sure he kept the right color on the right wall was tough. He desperately wanted to mix the colors.





He managed to survive the chaos of the weekend with no furniture by carrying around his little folding chair. Unfortunately, he broke out in ugly hives all over. We think he must be allergic to the cement dust and general yuck that we stirred up by tearing out the carpeting. Benadryl cleared them up mostly but we are keeping an eye on him since the floor isn't quite done and we still have a hallway of cement till the weekend.


The cats wandered around all week wondering what the hell was going on and why we were moving all the furniture they like to sleep on. They were so bewildered and funny. Of course as soon as the first boards in the living room were installed, Sarah cat took up residence on them and stayed there all afternoon as the work progressed.


While David and his parents worked on laying the floor Elaine and I prepped and repainted all the trim baseboards. I had no idea how nasty those things were till we took them off the walls and I got a close look at them. They are going to look so nice with fresh paint and a new floor.


And here are a couple of pics of the floor in the living room and office. They are both still a mess and these pics were taken before we got the baseboards back on. But you can see what a nice job David and his parents did laying the floor. It looks great. I will post finished product pics when we get all finished and the house put back together...in a few weeks...or months...however long it will take to put the chaos to rights.




The last two evenings have been spent putting back baseboards and caulking the gaps and putting some furniture back. We are already so beat from the prep and actual floor laying that we are taking our time and working as we can. We feel pretty productive and proud of how our first major home project is turning out.

Planet Cancer Retreat This Weekend!

I am excited. This weekend I am attending my second Planet Cancer Retreat. I am so lucky that PC is based in Austin and has its retreats here each summer. I don't have to spring for airfare! My friend Becky, whom I met at the retreat last year, is flying in a day early tomorrow and will hang with me for a night and a day before we both head to The Crossings for the retreat on Friday afternoon. I am taking her to dinner at Threadgill's and then to Andrea's production of The Vagina Monologues. Maybe a trip downtown after or on Friday to show her a little bit of Austin.

Then the retreat this weekend where we will meet and connect with cancer survivors from all over the country ages 25-40. It is a really neat weekend and I am happy I got accepted to go a second year.

I'm pretty weary tonight from working hard this week so I can take Thursday and Friday off, and then tonight getting the house ready for a guest. I have a little more to do tomorrow, but I have done most of the cleaning I wanted to do. The kitchen is the last thing and that can be done tomorrow. Now I just have to keep the small child from destroying all my work before she comes tomorrow. We may have to tie him up and sit him in the corner. (KIDDING! REALLY!)

Birthday

I had a good birthday today. David and I took Jackson for his first dental appt this morning. Not what you would expect us to do first thing on my birthday, but David scheduled it a few months ago, overlooking the fact that is is my birthday. But no biggie, I might have wanted to stay in bed longer, but I wanted to be there for his first visit.

He has been nervous about it for a few days, asking me to please not make him go. I have been telling him that the dentist just wants to look at his teeth to make sure they are strong and healthy. So he says, "What if she says they aren't strong and healthy? Will she make me stop brushing my teeth?" So there has been some anxiety leading up to this visit.



But he was so good. Didn't get too upset this morning about going and went into the exam room willingly, although apprehensively. The Dentist was great, taking time to really connect with him before getting into his mouth. She had a large stuffed frog with a full set of human-looking teeth that she pulled out to show him. Together they counted the frog's teeth and then Jackson let her count his teeth. She did and exam and polished his teeth and took x-rays. Jackson enjoyed seeing the x-rays of his teeth. All in all it was a good visit and a great first experience at the dentist for him. I am glad we went with this doc. She is not a pediatric dentist, but a family dentist that does kids too. But I think the calm environment of this office and the exemplary care of this dentist was the right choice.

Tonight, my mom came over and watched Jackson and David took me out to dinner. He set it up. I didn't even know where we were going till we got there. He took me to Fogo De Chao. Very, very good if you are a carnivore. Neat place. They bring skewered meats to your table and cut hunks off for you. Endlessly. Until you can't possibly eat anymore. And they have a first-rate veggie/salad bar. I am stuffed and content.

I have been starting to feel a bit better. My hormones are much lower which probably helps with my moodiness. Hopefully this will continue and I will be back to my old self again soon.

Miscarriage take two

I am doing my best to recover from my miscarriage. It has been three weeks and you would think I would be getting back to normal, but I had not been feeling anything close to normal. On Thursday last week I woke up in the morning with severe cramps and bleeding. Enough that I had to go to the ER to get checked out. Seems I had an incomplete miscarriage three weeks ago and it took this long for my body to figure it out. So after a day spent in the ER and some IV morphine, I think I finally may be nearing the end of the physical ordeal of losing the baby.

Finally.

I had a check-up today with the OB Doc who saw me in the ER. He is checking my hormone levels to make sure they go down this time. Thursday they were still high, explaining the feelings of still being pregnant that I have had for the last three weeks.

I am hoping the hormones will drop quickly and that I will be on a more stable level. I am so volatile lately. I get so mad so easily. Little things make me cry or curse and I am having a hard time just getting by without lashing out about stupid things.

Everyday life is hard. We all know it. Bureaucracy reigns and you just have to deal with it. Shit happens and you have to keep going. You have to go to a doctor's appt to deal with a miscarriage from three weeks ago instead of taking your son to a Kindermusic class.

So what is a girl who is emotionally unstable and kinda depressed to do? You know it. Nice and Easy. Hair color. I am now sporting dark, really dark, brown hair. I like it. It made me feel slightly better.

I am hoping to get myself under better control soon. Maybe when I am truly physically recovered from all of this, I can.

It just seems like everything has to be hard. Trying to make an appointment for Jackson to get a rash looked at is hard. It shouldn't be. I called the doc around 3:45 to get an appointment for tomorrow morning while I am off work. They wouldn't make an appt for him for tomorrow. Said they only make same-day appts. I would have to call back at 8 am tomorrow to get an appt for tomorrow. I could come in today though. Their last appt was at 5. I had my own appt today at 4. It was possible I could make it, if my own appt ran on time. So I took the chance and made the appt, knowing it was a long shot. Alas, my 4 p.m. appt didn't happen till 4:30. I got out at 4:50 and tried to call the pediatric office to tell them I wasn't going to make it. But they turned their phones off. Said office hours were 8 - 5. So they turned off their phones early and I couldn't even leave a message.

So I sat in my car and had a two-minute breakdown. My mom had taken Jackson to his music class that I had to miss and I was waiting for her to bring him to me. And I am sitting there in my car wanting to weep with unhappiness because I can't cope with all the tiny bullshit that you have to wade through day after day. And I was upset because I am upset by all of the stupid little shit that you are supposed to let roll off your back. It isn't rolling off me. It is sticking and building up and making me crazy.

I guess it would be easy to say this is all hormones and disappointment and I will feel better soon. And I hope it is. I am ready to be myself again and not flying off the handle and yelling at the guy at the post office for bureaucratic bullshit he couldn't help.

Floods suck

I'm a little sad tonight. I have managed, for the most part, to go about having a normal life for the last two weeks. Working, taking care of Jackson, normal stuff and keeping busy. But in quiet moments, I am still sad and disappointed that I lost the baby and I wonder how long it will take before it doesn't hurt anymore.

My pants fit tightly from the 4ish pounds I gained in two 1/2 months of being pregnant. Doesn't sound like much but its all in my belly and is enough to make me uncomfortable in my clothes. They don't fit well and I feel self-conscious about it.I feel like I look pregnant, but I am not anymore. I was just on the verge of buying some bigger pants when I lost the baby. Now I refuse to. Now I just need my hormones to go back to normal so I don't feel so bloated and I need to eat better and lose it. I want it to happen overnight, but things don't work that way, I know. Weight gain for nothing really sucks.

We had a water emergency at my house today. The pipe that connects the water line to the toilet burst and flooded my bathroom, closet, part of my bedroom, a hallway and seeped under the walls into my kitchen. It couldn't have been running for long before it was discovered, but it ran long enough to cause us to spend almost the whole day in water clean-up. I am grateful it was clean water and not sewage or something, and that we were home to catch it before it flooded the entire house.

My sister has taken Jackson for a few days. She is taking him with her boys to see my Dad in Santa Anna. My brother's girls will be there too so Jackson will have the opportunity to play with all his cousins. I know he will have a good time. He was playing with Cam and Eli and could barely be bothered to say goodbye to his Dad and me. He will be back on Wednesday and I will miss him. But it will give us time to finish cleaning up and drying out the house.

Marriage already?

I really shouldn't watch the news anymore. Top three stories: a double murder of a 22-year-old couple at UT, a drowning at Town Lake and dude fell from the 360 condos downtown and died. And this is Austin. Wonder what it is like in truly crime-ridden cities. This is why I read the news online. You can scan the headlines and click on the news stories that affect you and skip some of the terrible accident reporting.

It rained a bit this afternoon and Jackson & I sat on the swing out front watching it. He ran onto the sidewalk and got wet and squealed and ran back to me to get warm. Such joy. I love this small boy.

I was holding him and he started to play with my wedding ring as he does sometimes. So I asked him, "Do you know what that ring means?" I told him it means that his daddy loves me. That daddy gave that ring to me because he loves me and that daddy wears a ring too, that says that I love him. I realized my mistake almost immediately when he turned to me concerned, "Where is my ring? I want a ring too!"

Oh shit. What do I do now? Do I get him a ring that he will lose? Do I get him a plastic gumball-machine ring and hope that satisfies him? Hmm...

I decided to tell him that you get a ring when you get married. It went down like this:

HIM: What's married?
ME: It is when you promise to love someone forever.
HIM: I want to get married!
ME: Ok...who would you marry?
HIM: (thinking very hard) Not cats though, right? (Sarah cat was sitting next to him).
ME: No, you don't marry cats, you marry people. (Notice the gender-neutral language)
HIM: I can't marry you?
ME: No I am married already to your Daddy.
HIM: I love Aunt Elaine forever, I'll marry her.

So Aunt Elaine, Prepare to be wooed. Jackson wants a ring.

What now?

I am drinking wine tonight. Why not, right? Heh.

So I am depressed, understandably. I don't quite know what to do with myself. It isn't like a cancer diagnosis. I can't put a positive spin on it - I'll fight, I'll beat it, it won't get me down...I don't have a course of treatment to dive into and keep busy with. It's just sad.

Nothing positive to focus on except "You can try again, it doesn't mean you can't have another." And I know that.

But I wanted this one. I wanted this baby, dammit. In Feb, near or on Valentine's day or my Dad's birthday. I feel like life has taught me plenty of lessons in 'you can't always have what you want.' I didn't need another one. Seriously.

So now what? I am feeling decidedly spendy. As I did while going through chemo, I simply crave shopping trips. Course money is tight and I can't go spending the little discretionary funds in my account. So I am not. But it is tough. I mentioned on facebook today how cool it would be to take off to Vegas for a weekend and my friends started posting dates and prices and suggesting a group trip. Not in the budget, but it would be cool. You can't hop on a plane to Vegas to escape your disappointment...but it wouldn't hurt would it? I could cry into my Cirque du Soleil program.

I am happy to spend time with my now four-year-old boy. He got lots of new clothes from his Omi for his birthday and is looking sharp in t-shirts that aren't too small and the matching shorts and such. He is loving and articulate and I adore him. I guess if you only get one, he is a good one to have. He let me sleep in this morning, coming in only to ask if he could have a juice box, which he opens himself and to kiss me and tell me he loves me.

When I got up he must have sensed my desire to hermit myself and stay home today, because he asked me if we could go to the Palace. He got some Color Wonder markers from a Palace gal for his birthday and he wanted to go to the Palace to play with them. I was still feeling anti-social, so I wasn't sure I wanted to go. But then Sonja called from the office to check in and ask me a few questions and I felt slightly normal for a few minutes while talking business. So I decided the best thing might be to go to work.

So after lunch at IHOP with Elaine, Jackson and I headed to the Palace for a few hours work. And it was good. I got a few things done and Jackson was happy to watch his movie and color and play with the Volunteer.

Tomorrow I am taking Jackson back to school and heading back to work for a full day. I am sure it will be fine. I am physically a little weak and tender an mentally more than a bit battered, but work calls and busy is good.

No baby for me.

Long, painful story in a nutshell, as of last night I will not be having a baby in February. All my discomfort and bleeding led to the inevitable end and it is over. And I am sad and disappointed.

And pissed off at the medical establishment. I am RH negative which means I need a shot of Rhogam so my body doesn't make antibodies against RH positive blood I may have been exposed to from the baby. I need it soon so as not to endanger subsequent pregnancies.

The birthing center can give me the shot but they are out of network with my insurance company and it will cost $125. I don't want to pay $125 for a shot my insurance should cover. So I got on the phone.

I called my family doctor to see if they have it and would give it to me. They don't have it and neither does my gynecologist since she doesn't do OB. Which I think is stupid since she prescribes fertility drugs. If you are trying to get people pregnant shouldn't you keep some Rhogam around in case you are successful but they have a loss? Neither would the docs call in a prescription for it and let my mom, an RN give it to me. So I talked the birthing center into referring me to the Perinatologist I saw last week for my ultrasound. They said I could come in for the shot, but would have to have an exam and ultrasound as well to confirm the miscarriage and make sure I am not retaining anything. Fine. I can do that.

But then they called back to say that I would still have to pay out of pocket for the Rhogam because I am not pregnant anymore. Cause Dr. B is a high-risk pregnancy doc and I am not being referred for a high-risk pregnancy, but for a miscarriage. So either way I have to pay for the whole thing. Motherfuckers. I cancelled the appt.

I have $125. I can pay for it. But I don't fucking want to. And I don't want to drive to Austin for the privilege of getting this shot of gold that I must have but am having a hard time getting.

So I am about to go to the ER. They can do an exam, give me a shot and send me home. I will probably pay $125 for the ER visit but I don't care. I can't believe this is how I have spent the morning after I lost the baby. On the phone. Trying to find a Rhogam shot that my insurance will cover.

Typical.

Cancerversary!

OMG! Today is my cancer diagnosis anniversary. Two years ago today I was given the news that whatever was in my chest was malignant. My world changed forever and I entered one of the hardest 6-month periods I hope ever to experience. (I blogged it all starting here.)

And I kinda forgot to say anything about it in the blog I just posted. It wasn't til I posted it and looked at the date on it that I said, "Oh yeah, look at that, it's the 16th!"

What a difference two years makes.

All is well!

My ultrasound yesterday was a relief and a wonder. The baby looks great, as active as a jumping bean and they see nothing to be concerned about. She couldn't find any source of the spotting I had, and said that wasn't unusual. Just one of those things.

So I am a much happier and relaxed person today and am allowing myself to be excited about this baby, something I haven't done really, since I found out I was pregnant. And I really am due on Valentine's Day, Feb 14th. My Dad, whose birthday is Feb 17th says there is a big inheritance in it for a granddaughter born on his birthday - whom I should name Victoria after him. I laugh heartily at his cheek, but secretly won't rule out the possibility.

Of course we won't know anything about gender for a couple of months, so no use speculating on names at this point. And as much as I wanted a girl the first time around (seriously, seriously wanted a girl) I have learned though my incredible son how very little it matters. The world is a better place with my little boy in it and I will feel the same whether this is the coveted granddaughter or a brother for Jackson.

My Dad came and picked up Jackson yesterday and took him home with him for a couple of days to Santa Anna. At first the boy didn't want to go. He wanted to go visit Grandpa, but he wanted one of us to go too. He was distraught and weeping at the prospect of leaving home without us. I was afraid the pick-up would not go smoothly and we would all be upset.

But after having his cry in the morning and then going to school, he got used to the idea because when Grandpa actually showed up, Jackson was happy and ready to go. Not one tear. So the little lollypop-light-disco-spinning-candy-fan I bought at Walgreen's for a pick-me-up road trip bribe was completely unnecessary. You know those little $3.00 candy/toy things they have that fascinate the hell out of your kid in the check-out line that you refuse to buy on principle that they are $3.00 and crappy plastic? Well, I was feeling guilty about what I though would be Jackson's desperation not to leave home without a parent. So I bought it. He loved it, of course, especially the fact that a tiny fan spins when you push the button. He kept saying he could cool himself off instead of the air conditioner. I guess it wasn't a badly spent $3.00 after all.

He will be home on Saturday morning. Which gives me time to get the house cleaned for his birthday party on Saturday afternoon. And to spend some time with David at Big River dress/tech. I went last night and the show is really coming together. I think people will really like it. And I get to go to opening night and the after party without having to worry about Jackson at KidSpace needing picked up and feeling guilty about that.

So yay, the baby is ok and Big River is almost open. The stress in my life should reduce considerably. And as long as my nausea reduces soon, things will be good.

Jackson's Birthday

Today was Jackson's 4th birthday and we were pretty low-key about it. David is in tech week for Big River and I am not feeling great. So we had a little birthday for him at the Palace with his Palace friends and ate some cake. He had presents to open - mostly cars and car paraphernalia - from the volunteers at the Palace who have seen him every day since he was born. It was a good little party. We promised him we'd have another party on Saturday with his Omi and Grandpa. So he knows he is not done with his birthday. But I think he would probably be content with his presents today if no more came. He took some of his new cars in his bath and to bed with him.

I can't believe he is already four. Time sure flies. It doesn't seem that long ago that he was a tiny baby. Of course it was a lifetime ago and BC. When I was a long-haired youngster who hated drugs and refused to give birth in a hospital. Ironic that I was so vocal about not liking drugs and medical intervention and I ended up partaking, 2 years later, of the most potent and poisonous interventions available in western medicine. Funny. Kind of.

I have been on a roller coaster for about a week now with this pregnancy. I have been having off and on cramping and spotting and at some moments I am convinced that I am miscarrying. Then it all stops and my nausea and pregnancy symptoms come on full force and show that my hormones are still up so maybe everything is ok and I am worrying for nothing. But it is driving me crazy, not knowing. I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow and we will have some answers. They can tell me right away if they see a heartbeat or if this pregnancy is not meant to be.

So think good thoughts for me tomorrow. I am hoping it is all false alarm and worry and that is all.

Rest is hard.

Jackson is sleeping on the floor in the hall. He snuck out of his bed with a blanket and made himself a little bed. I didn't notice till a few minutes ago when I was putting laundry away. So funny. I am just going to leave him there til David gets home from rehearsal. Then he can hoist him up and putting him back in bed. Jackson looks quite comfy there in his blanket, so I figure he can stay there.

I have been trying to take it easy. Been having some bothersome cramping that makes me worry about possible miscarriage. It is pretty mild, but I can't help but worry. Of course there isn't any sense in worrying. In the first trimester, if something isn't right, there isn't anything you can do. So I just have to try to relax and wait.

I had a check-up with my oncologist today. I was supposed to have a scan on Monday which I canceled, of course. So scans while pregnant. Dr. George doesn't seem concerned at all that I am pregnant and just plans to see me every three months instead of every 4-6 months. There really shouldn't be any problems. And if for some reason we question whether the cancer is coming back, I can do a chest x-ray with a shield for my belly, or even an MRI if we really need to do some looking.

I also stopped by my family doctor to make sure I don't have a bladder infection. Seems that could be the cause of some of my discomfort and pressure. Prelim results look ok, but they will know for sure in a day or two.

In the meantime, I am trying not to stress and worry. My bosses kicked me out at work today, sent me home to rest. It is really, really busy right now - playbills, the new season playbill, lots of work to get season ticket sales going. I could work all day every day. And I would if I could. But my body keeps reminding me that I need rest. And I have to eat every 2 damned hours or I am starving and feeling sick.

So think good thoughts for me that the cramping is nothing and that I manage to get the rest I need, but can't mentally commit to. I have such a hard time slowing down. Especially when there is so much to do.

Bonnie, the Marvelous Wig Lady

The statesman ran a great article on Bonnie, the wig lady at Pat Painter's Wig Salon. You should be able to see it here. She is the one who I went to who gave Andrea' and I such a good afternoon trying on and playing with a hundred wigs. She handed me a "Fuck Cancer" button and bracelet when I walked in the door and was so irreverent when she showed the pair of underpants with hair glued to the outside. She told me I'd need a wig 'down there' too. I did not have a head shaving party, Andrea' did it for me in my kitchen. But I have nothing but fond memories of Bonnie and Pat's and what an oasis she creates for a woman losing her precious hair. If you know anyone in central Texas with cancer or alopecia, send them immediately to Pat Painter's on Burnet Road. Thanks Bonnie! Here is what I blogged at the time, if you care to read it.

Jackson has a lot to say and I have a secret.

He talks. All the time. From the minute he wakes up til we tuck him in at night. Then I can hear him from the living room talking, singing and chanting until he falls asleep. The kind of things he says are largely varied.

He puts random items on his head, like a book, and runs around chanting "I'm the guy with the book on his head!" "I'm the guy with the car on his head" I think this may be a spongebob thing.

He gets very upset if, when driving, he decides I am going the wrong way. If I take a different route than he expects to the Palace or on the way home, he gets so mad and cries from the back seat about how I am not going the right way and how we will never get home. "Home, I miss you," he cries pathetically.

He has invented a game he calls 'potato tickle' which is 'one potato, two potato - the fist game - except you don't say 'seven potato more' you say 'seven potato TICKLE!' and then tickle the hell out of him.

He has started to draw some pretty good stick figures and make some people-like sculptures out of play dough. I took a picture of his latest work to share with you. Good stuff. In the above pic, that is Jackson's self-portrait. The round thing on his torso he says is his tummy. Like a balloon. In the pic below, Jackson says the figure on the left is him, the one on the right is me. I think I have a duck bill. He says it is my smile.


So I have decided to officially out myself. I am expecting again. It is too early to out myself - about 6-7 weeks only. But I am tired of not blogging to avoid talking about how I am doing, which is tired, moody and nauseated most of the time. So I am blogging about it. I figured I blogged intimate details of my cancer treatment, I may as well blog the pregnancy from the get go.

I have known for about three weeks or so. Which is odd, I didn't figure it out with Jackson til about 7 1/2 weeks. This time I knew almost immediately. Experience or earlier symptoms? I dunno. Either way, I was certain before any home test would read positive. And I am happy that this baby got to be on stage in Hay Fever. I was doing a children's play, Hank the Cowdog ,when I found out with Jackson so it is fitting that this time around I was also in a show at the time. Stage beginnings for each is a good thing.

So I am well, but as I said, tired, moody an nauseated. With an impressive bosom. That alone should clue in those close to me. I did not go out and get a wonderbra, my friends. It is all natural. I have decided that these endowments are a gift to the newly expecting mother from the gods of "holy-shit-you're-preggers-better-keep-that-man-of-yours!" Not that my spouse was going anywhere, but these do help offset the crazy-lady mood swings he has been putting up with for a few weeks.

I have also been thinking about this all-day sickness that plague the first three months. I was thinking it was a flawed design. How were early human women supposed to forage and cook and care for other children when they were sick all the time without modern conveniences? But I have decided the tiredness and nausea must be natures way of making you take it easy during a delicate time. The first three months give you a physical indication of pregnancy for you to feel and for your family to witness so you take it easy and those around you facilitate that. Then at about the time you may start visually showing, it eases off. Everyone can see you are pregnant and could use some special care.

Not sure that makes me feel any better when I am losing my lunch, but it is a good thought.

So a month before my 2-year cancerversary I find that I can, in fact,conceive. My innards are not fried and seem to be working ok. Now send good thoughts my way that I carry this to term and have a healthy baby in February.

Brownies

We had dinner at David's parents house tonight for Father's day. Good food and good company as usual. Jackson makes me laugh so much, though. After dinner he asked about dessert and we told him when everyone was done eating we had brownies for dessert. He paused for a second and said "It's really nice of you guys to give me a brownie, but I rather don't want one." He wanted a Popsicle instead. I had to laugh at how politely he declined a brownie, knowing full well that after his Popsicle he would ask for one. He did.

Fountains are for running through

I just spent an enjoyable evening at The Domain with Elaine, Sabrina and a couple of Elaine's friends. And Jackson. He heard I was meeting Aunt Elaine and he really wanted to come too. And the ladies were fine with it, so Jackson joined us on our girls evening.


We met at California Pizza kitchen, and had a good dinner and then we headed to the gelato place a few doors down. Jackson particularly enjoyed the dark chocolate fudge gelato and didn't even make a huge mess. Afterwards we stopped at the water fountain they have there and let him get all wet playing in it with a few other kids. I was just going to let him get his feet wet, but Elaine and the ladies encouraged him to run right in and get all wet. I had his backpack with me with a change of clothes so what-the-hell. You only get to be a little kid once. He had a really good time and I was really proud of how well-behaved he was all evening. He is a good boy most of the time. A handful, but a good boy, I think.



On many Saturdays in the parking lot of the Fry's in North Austin they have a race track set up for remote control cars. These are not your kid's little remote control cars, these things are gas-powered monster cars that are loud, fast and you can smell the burnt rubber. There is a Hobby Town in that shopping center and this is an event the hold there periodically in good weather. A few weeks ago we had to return something to Fry's and got there in time to see some of the races. Jackson was in heaven. He sat there for an hour with his Dad watching the cars racing, mesmerized. I can't imagine a more fun afternoon for him.


And here is an especially cute picture of Jackson and his Omi a couple of weeks ago.

ahh...

I am sitting on my couch listening to the quiet hum of my new washer. As I reported a month or more ago, my washer and dryer were dying. I don't know if I ever reported that I got new ones. I got a nice front-loader and both the washer and dryer have the steam functions that I have been coveting for a few years. Not sure if they are going to make a big difference in my life, the steam function, that is, but I do think my clothes are a little cleaner. They smell a little nicer anyway. And the washer is so quiet. I have to send Jackson in to the pantry to tell me if it is done yet. Or I have to listen for the song. Cause the new machines sing to me when they are finished. Really. They are made by LG, the same people who make lots of cell phones. My washer plays a ring-tone when it is done. The first time it sang to us, Jackson burst into spontaneous applause. It was precious.

So I am listening for the washer to sing to me so I can go in and deal with the clothes. And then I am going to throw the kid in the tub and listen to him splash and play for a while. I plan to get him in bed by 8 since he didn't nap today and he needs his sleep. And because a new episode of The Closer is coming on at 8:00.

Hay Fever closed yesterday. I am sad to not be hanging out with such a great group of people all the time. I felt so lucky to be in a show with such a fine set of actors. Everyone was so skilled and solid. I really felt like I was a part of a kick-ass team, led by Ms. Bernadette Nason.

But I will say I am not sorry to be at home on the couch and not having to drive into Austin 4 days a week. David is off at rehearsal now and he is the one that has to take off a mere 45 minutes after he gets home from work. And I am the one in charge of the boy in the evenings. So now I hope to become a semi-regular blogger again.

...heh, pardon me, my washer is singing to me...

What is happening right now...

Jackson: Mom, I smell spiders.
Me: Really? What do they smell like?
Jackson: ...spiders.


I am sitting on my couch waiting for the stove timer to beep, telling me my macaroni is ready to be drained in anticipation of the packet of powdered orange goodness that will transform it into macaroni and cheese. I am such a gourmet. It isn't even Kraft, it's generic. What does that say about me? I am not sure I want to know.

So indeed the Chronicle did pan my show, calling us too loud, too fast and too broad for a Noel Coward British comedy of manners. Of course any of you who have ever done any live theatre, especially of the unpaid variety, know the mantra of comedic shows. Say it with me, please! "Louder, faster, funnier!" We were just doing what we have learned the audiences like. And our audiences are enjoying the show. And this particular critic has a reputation for being a self-important ass-hat. We have been receiving condolences from other local theatre artists who have been 'Pineo'd' as we are now calling it. So whatever. As my friend Andy said, all publicity is good publicity.

Last night the show was sold out. And we had a pretty darn good show. A few little ups and downs. But all in all, it went well. The problem we are having is with the air conditioning system of the City Theatre. It is loud. Very loud. And situated directly over the stage. The initial plan was to run the AC before the show and during the intermissions, but to leave it off during the performance. But it isn't working out. It is simply getting too hot. With a full house of 75 in close proximity to each other, the stage and the hot stage lights, we simply can't leave it off. They are miserable and so are we. So the stage manager has been experimenting with timing to turn it off and on based on which scene is happening. But the only outcome is that for half the show the audience has to strain to hear us and the other half they are fretting about the heat. And it is very distracting onstage for us to hear the very loud AC turn off and on. So after the show last night we talked about it as a cast and decided to cave to the Texas heat and turn the damn thing on and leave it on. It is hard to hear in the back two rows, so we have to really work to be louder so those people can hear. But the stifling, distracting environment is no better. So with more of my effort having to go to being heard, my character might lose a little life and luster. Especially since she is shy and uncomfortable a lot. It is hard to act 'quiet' when you have to shout your lines. Sigh. But there isn't any choice.

Moral is, if you are coming to the show, don't sit in the back. And get there early cause parking is somewhat limited anyway.

David has started rehearsals for Big River and has taken Jackson with him to a couple of dance and vocal rehearsals. Jackson makes me smile because he really wants to participate in the whole thing. If they are learning dance, he wants to stand up with them and try to do what they are doing. And he gets frustrated that he can't do it. He says "They all do it better than me!" He's not quite four! He expects that he can do the dance that the teen boys are learning. He is unforgiving of himself. And during the vocal rehearsal he sits with them and holds a libretto book just like they do. Because I have been playing the soundtrack in my car for months he knows these songs and actually sang the correct words at the correct time just like the chorus.

This morning we were heading to a rehearsal and he asked if he could be in the show. David told him he was still a bit too young, but that he could be in lots of shows when he gets older. About ten minutes later we pulled up to the dance studio and Jackson sadly started to cry. We asked him what was wrong and he said, "My Daddy said I can't be in the show..." Poor boy, it was very sad. We told him that he could join the dancers if he stayed out of the way and that today he could be 'in the show.' I guess that was a lie. He can't be in the show. But he can be in the rehearsals as long as they are learning things and he doesn't disrupt anything. And in a couple of years he can do the summer camps at the Palace and be in those shows. And someday maybe a mainstage.

So my husband has a broken pinky toe. He accidentally kicked a roller blade that was hidden under a garbage bag in the garage about a week ago. His poor toe swelled and bruised up and has been giving him grief enough that he went to the clinic yesterday and had it X-rayed. And it is broke. Not much they can do about it, though. He has to tape it up to the toe next to it for a month. And take Advil. And seek sympathy from his wife.

Why no blog?

Why don't I want to blog? WTF?

My show opened on Friday last week to appreciative audiences and kudos. I have been very, very busy prior to that and have been busy since trying to catch up on sleep, TV, yard work and laundry. But not blogging. I don't really feel like blogging. It just seems that when there is so much going on to write about, it becomes overwhelming and I don't write about anything.

So, yes, my show opened and it is a good one. I am having a good time with this cast and the audiences are laughing at my bits and seem to be enjoying the show.

Come see it if you are nearby. Here is the link to the site to make reservations. There are two more weekends.

And here is a link to a review on Austinlivetheatre.com. They liked us too. The Chronicle review will be out soon, and who knows how that one will be. The reviewer that came out is reported to be a not-so-kind one and he may or may not pan us for any reason. But whatever. The show is good, I think. Solid cast and we look and sound great.

Here is a pic of me back stage that my cast-mate Martina took on Sunday. You can kinda see how I cut my hair for the show into a more 1920's style bob. I actually like it a lot.


And now it is my turn to stay home with Jackson while David does a show. He is directing Big River and starts rehearsals with that this week. So I am hoping the forced house-boundedness will prompt me to find my inner blogger once more and stop being so anti-social - at least in the online community.