Monday, August 10, 2009

Miscarriage take two

I am doing my best to recover from my miscarriage. It has been three weeks and you would think I would be getting back to normal, but I had not been feeling anything close to normal. On Thursday last week I woke up in the morning with severe cramps and bleeding. Enough that I had to go to the ER to get checked out. Seems I had an incomplete miscarriage three weeks ago and it took this long for my body to figure it out. So after a day spent in the ER and some IV morphine, I think I finally may be nearing the end of the physical ordeal of losing the baby.

Finally.

I had a check-up today with the OB Doc who saw me in the ER. He is checking my hormone levels to make sure they go down this time. Thursday they were still high, explaining the feelings of still being pregnant that I have had for the last three weeks.

I am hoping the hormones will drop quickly and that I will be on a more stable level. I am so volatile lately. I get so mad so easily. Little things make me cry or curse and I am having a hard time just getting by without lashing out about stupid things.

Everyday life is hard. We all know it. Bureaucracy reigns and you just have to deal with it. Shit happens and you have to keep going. You have to go to a doctor's appt to deal with a miscarriage from three weeks ago instead of taking your son to a Kindermusic class.

So what is a girl who is emotionally unstable and kinda depressed to do? You know it. Nice and Easy. Hair color. I am now sporting dark, really dark, brown hair. I like it. It made me feel slightly better.

I am hoping to get myself under better control soon. Maybe when I am truly physically recovered from all of this, I can.

It just seems like everything has to be hard. Trying to make an appointment for Jackson to get a rash looked at is hard. It shouldn't be. I called the doc around 3:45 to get an appointment for tomorrow morning while I am off work. They wouldn't make an appt for him for tomorrow. Said they only make same-day appts. I would have to call back at 8 am tomorrow to get an appt for tomorrow. I could come in today though. Their last appt was at 5. I had my own appt today at 4. It was possible I could make it, if my own appt ran on time. So I took the chance and made the appt, knowing it was a long shot. Alas, my 4 p.m. appt didn't happen till 4:30. I got out at 4:50 and tried to call the pediatric office to tell them I wasn't going to make it. But they turned their phones off. Said office hours were 8 - 5. So they turned off their phones early and I couldn't even leave a message.

So I sat in my car and had a two-minute breakdown. My mom had taken Jackson to his music class that I had to miss and I was waiting for her to bring him to me. And I am sitting there in my car wanting to weep with unhappiness because I can't cope with all the tiny bullshit that you have to wade through day after day. And I was upset because I am upset by all of the stupid little shit that you are supposed to let roll off your back. It isn't rolling off me. It is sticking and building up and making me crazy.

I guess it would be easy to say this is all hormones and disappointment and I will feel better soon. And I hope it is. I am ready to be myself again and not flying off the handle and yelling at the guy at the post office for bureaucratic bullshit he couldn't help.

12 comments:

Heather said...

Hang in there! You have overcome alot, this is just another one of those damn obstacles. In time, it will all pass.

Godspeed!

Erin Geren said...

Oh Marsha, it took me a very long time to come to terms with my miscarriage. I felt like a big loser for not being able to "get over it" like so many expected I should. I still cry to this day over that beautiful lost baby that I never got to hold. Less often, but still. I am so sorry that you have joined the ranks of us who have lost. I am so not kidding when I say that I am always here with a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to. I sit in Jester Farms everyday now waiting to pick Audrey up from "gulp" high school. Please know that you are not alone.

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