What now?

I am drinking wine tonight. Why not, right? Heh.

So I am depressed, understandably. I don't quite know what to do with myself. It isn't like a cancer diagnosis. I can't put a positive spin on it - I'll fight, I'll beat it, it won't get me down...I don't have a course of treatment to dive into and keep busy with. It's just sad.

Nothing positive to focus on except "You can try again, it doesn't mean you can't have another." And I know that.

But I wanted this one. I wanted this baby, dammit. In Feb, near or on Valentine's day or my Dad's birthday. I feel like life has taught me plenty of lessons in 'you can't always have what you want.' I didn't need another one. Seriously.

So now what? I am feeling decidedly spendy. As I did while going through chemo, I simply crave shopping trips. Course money is tight and I can't go spending the little discretionary funds in my account. So I am not. But it is tough. I mentioned on facebook today how cool it would be to take off to Vegas for a weekend and my friends started posting dates and prices and suggesting a group trip. Not in the budget, but it would be cool. You can't hop on a plane to Vegas to escape your disappointment...but it wouldn't hurt would it? I could cry into my Cirque du Soleil program.

I am happy to spend time with my now four-year-old boy. He got lots of new clothes from his Omi for his birthday and is looking sharp in t-shirts that aren't too small and the matching shorts and such. He is loving and articulate and I adore him. I guess if you only get one, he is a good one to have. He let me sleep in this morning, coming in only to ask if he could have a juice box, which he opens himself and to kiss me and tell me he loves me.

When I got up he must have sensed my desire to hermit myself and stay home today, because he asked me if we could go to the Palace. He got some Color Wonder markers from a Palace gal for his birthday and he wanted to go to the Palace to play with them. I was still feeling anti-social, so I wasn't sure I wanted to go. But then Sonja called from the office to check in and ask me a few questions and I felt slightly normal for a few minutes while talking business. So I decided the best thing might be to go to work.

So after lunch at IHOP with Elaine, Jackson and I headed to the Palace for a few hours work. And it was good. I got a few things done and Jackson was happy to watch his movie and color and play with the Volunteer.

Tomorrow I am taking Jackson back to school and heading back to work for a full day. I am sure it will be fine. I am physically a little weak and tender an mentally more than a bit battered, but work calls and busy is good.