Marriage already?

I really shouldn't watch the news anymore. Top three stories: a double murder of a 22-year-old couple at UT, a drowning at Town Lake and dude fell from the 360 condos downtown and died. And this is Austin. Wonder what it is like in truly crime-ridden cities. This is why I read the news online. You can scan the headlines and click on the news stories that affect you and skip some of the terrible accident reporting.

It rained a bit this afternoon and Jackson & I sat on the swing out front watching it. He ran onto the sidewalk and got wet and squealed and ran back to me to get warm. Such joy. I love this small boy.

I was holding him and he started to play with my wedding ring as he does sometimes. So I asked him, "Do you know what that ring means?" I told him it means that his daddy loves me. That daddy gave that ring to me because he loves me and that daddy wears a ring too, that says that I love him. I realized my mistake almost immediately when he turned to me concerned, "Where is my ring? I want a ring too!"

Oh shit. What do I do now? Do I get him a ring that he will lose? Do I get him a plastic gumball-machine ring and hope that satisfies him? Hmm...

I decided to tell him that you get a ring when you get married. It went down like this:

HIM: What's married?
ME: It is when you promise to love someone forever.
HIM: I want to get married!
ME: Ok...who would you marry?
HIM: (thinking very hard) Not cats though, right? (Sarah cat was sitting next to him).
ME: No, you don't marry cats, you marry people. (Notice the gender-neutral language)
HIM: I can't marry you?
ME: No I am married already to your Daddy.
HIM: I love Aunt Elaine forever, I'll marry her.

So Aunt Elaine, Prepare to be wooed. Jackson wants a ring.

What now?

I am drinking wine tonight. Why not, right? Heh.

So I am depressed, understandably. I don't quite know what to do with myself. It isn't like a cancer diagnosis. I can't put a positive spin on it - I'll fight, I'll beat it, it won't get me down...I don't have a course of treatment to dive into and keep busy with. It's just sad.

Nothing positive to focus on except "You can try again, it doesn't mean you can't have another." And I know that.

But I wanted this one. I wanted this baby, dammit. In Feb, near or on Valentine's day or my Dad's birthday. I feel like life has taught me plenty of lessons in 'you can't always have what you want.' I didn't need another one. Seriously.

So now what? I am feeling decidedly spendy. As I did while going through chemo, I simply crave shopping trips. Course money is tight and I can't go spending the little discretionary funds in my account. So I am not. But it is tough. I mentioned on facebook today how cool it would be to take off to Vegas for a weekend and my friends started posting dates and prices and suggesting a group trip. Not in the budget, but it would be cool. You can't hop on a plane to Vegas to escape your disappointment...but it wouldn't hurt would it? I could cry into my Cirque du Soleil program.

I am happy to spend time with my now four-year-old boy. He got lots of new clothes from his Omi for his birthday and is looking sharp in t-shirts that aren't too small and the matching shorts and such. He is loving and articulate and I adore him. I guess if you only get one, he is a good one to have. He let me sleep in this morning, coming in only to ask if he could have a juice box, which he opens himself and to kiss me and tell me he loves me.

When I got up he must have sensed my desire to hermit myself and stay home today, because he asked me if we could go to the Palace. He got some Color Wonder markers from a Palace gal for his birthday and he wanted to go to the Palace to play with them. I was still feeling anti-social, so I wasn't sure I wanted to go. But then Sonja called from the office to check in and ask me a few questions and I felt slightly normal for a few minutes while talking business. So I decided the best thing might be to go to work.

So after lunch at IHOP with Elaine, Jackson and I headed to the Palace for a few hours work. And it was good. I got a few things done and Jackson was happy to watch his movie and color and play with the Volunteer.

Tomorrow I am taking Jackson back to school and heading back to work for a full day. I am sure it will be fine. I am physically a little weak and tender an mentally more than a bit battered, but work calls and busy is good.

No baby for me.

Long, painful story in a nutshell, as of last night I will not be having a baby in February. All my discomfort and bleeding led to the inevitable end and it is over. And I am sad and disappointed.

And pissed off at the medical establishment. I am RH negative which means I need a shot of Rhogam so my body doesn't make antibodies against RH positive blood I may have been exposed to from the baby. I need it soon so as not to endanger subsequent pregnancies.

The birthing center can give me the shot but they are out of network with my insurance company and it will cost $125. I don't want to pay $125 for a shot my insurance should cover. So I got on the phone.

I called my family doctor to see if they have it and would give it to me. They don't have it and neither does my gynecologist since she doesn't do OB. Which I think is stupid since she prescribes fertility drugs. If you are trying to get people pregnant shouldn't you keep some Rhogam around in case you are successful but they have a loss? Neither would the docs call in a prescription for it and let my mom, an RN give it to me. So I talked the birthing center into referring me to the Perinatologist I saw last week for my ultrasound. They said I could come in for the shot, but would have to have an exam and ultrasound as well to confirm the miscarriage and make sure I am not retaining anything. Fine. I can do that.

But then they called back to say that I would still have to pay out of pocket for the Rhogam because I am not pregnant anymore. Cause Dr. B is a high-risk pregnancy doc and I am not being referred for a high-risk pregnancy, but for a miscarriage. So either way I have to pay for the whole thing. Motherfuckers. I cancelled the appt.

I have $125. I can pay for it. But I don't fucking want to. And I don't want to drive to Austin for the privilege of getting this shot of gold that I must have but am having a hard time getting.

So I am about to go to the ER. They can do an exam, give me a shot and send me home. I will probably pay $125 for the ER visit but I don't care. I can't believe this is how I have spent the morning after I lost the baby. On the phone. Trying to find a Rhogam shot that my insurance will cover.

Typical.

Cancerversary!

OMG! Today is my cancer diagnosis anniversary. Two years ago today I was given the news that whatever was in my chest was malignant. My world changed forever and I entered one of the hardest 6-month periods I hope ever to experience. (I blogged it all starting here.)

And I kinda forgot to say anything about it in the blog I just posted. It wasn't til I posted it and looked at the date on it that I said, "Oh yeah, look at that, it's the 16th!"

What a difference two years makes.

All is well!

My ultrasound yesterday was a relief and a wonder. The baby looks great, as active as a jumping bean and they see nothing to be concerned about. She couldn't find any source of the spotting I had, and said that wasn't unusual. Just one of those things.

So I am a much happier and relaxed person today and am allowing myself to be excited about this baby, something I haven't done really, since I found out I was pregnant. And I really am due on Valentine's Day, Feb 14th. My Dad, whose birthday is Feb 17th says there is a big inheritance in it for a granddaughter born on his birthday - whom I should name Victoria after him. I laugh heartily at his cheek, but secretly won't rule out the possibility.

Of course we won't know anything about gender for a couple of months, so no use speculating on names at this point. And as much as I wanted a girl the first time around (seriously, seriously wanted a girl) I have learned though my incredible son how very little it matters. The world is a better place with my little boy in it and I will feel the same whether this is the coveted granddaughter or a brother for Jackson.

My Dad came and picked up Jackson yesterday and took him home with him for a couple of days to Santa Anna. At first the boy didn't want to go. He wanted to go visit Grandpa, but he wanted one of us to go too. He was distraught and weeping at the prospect of leaving home without us. I was afraid the pick-up would not go smoothly and we would all be upset.

But after having his cry in the morning and then going to school, he got used to the idea because when Grandpa actually showed up, Jackson was happy and ready to go. Not one tear. So the little lollypop-light-disco-spinning-candy-fan I bought at Walgreen's for a pick-me-up road trip bribe was completely unnecessary. You know those little $3.00 candy/toy things they have that fascinate the hell out of your kid in the check-out line that you refuse to buy on principle that they are $3.00 and crappy plastic? Well, I was feeling guilty about what I though would be Jackson's desperation not to leave home without a parent. So I bought it. He loved it, of course, especially the fact that a tiny fan spins when you push the button. He kept saying he could cool himself off instead of the air conditioner. I guess it wasn't a badly spent $3.00 after all.

He will be home on Saturday morning. Which gives me time to get the house cleaned for his birthday party on Saturday afternoon. And to spend some time with David at Big River dress/tech. I went last night and the show is really coming together. I think people will really like it. And I get to go to opening night and the after party without having to worry about Jackson at KidSpace needing picked up and feeling guilty about that.

So yay, the baby is ok and Big River is almost open. The stress in my life should reduce considerably. And as long as my nausea reduces soon, things will be good.

Jackson's Birthday

Today was Jackson's 4th birthday and we were pretty low-key about it. David is in tech week for Big River and I am not feeling great. So we had a little birthday for him at the Palace with his Palace friends and ate some cake. He had presents to open - mostly cars and car paraphernalia - from the volunteers at the Palace who have seen him every day since he was born. It was a good little party. We promised him we'd have another party on Saturday with his Omi and Grandpa. So he knows he is not done with his birthday. But I think he would probably be content with his presents today if no more came. He took some of his new cars in his bath and to bed with him.

I can't believe he is already four. Time sure flies. It doesn't seem that long ago that he was a tiny baby. Of course it was a lifetime ago and BC. When I was a long-haired youngster who hated drugs and refused to give birth in a hospital. Ironic that I was so vocal about not liking drugs and medical intervention and I ended up partaking, 2 years later, of the most potent and poisonous interventions available in western medicine. Funny. Kind of.

I have been on a roller coaster for about a week now with this pregnancy. I have been having off and on cramping and spotting and at some moments I am convinced that I am miscarrying. Then it all stops and my nausea and pregnancy symptoms come on full force and show that my hormones are still up so maybe everything is ok and I am worrying for nothing. But it is driving me crazy, not knowing. I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow and we will have some answers. They can tell me right away if they see a heartbeat or if this pregnancy is not meant to be.

So think good thoughts for me tomorrow. I am hoping it is all false alarm and worry and that is all.

Rest is hard.

Jackson is sleeping on the floor in the hall. He snuck out of his bed with a blanket and made himself a little bed. I didn't notice till a few minutes ago when I was putting laundry away. So funny. I am just going to leave him there til David gets home from rehearsal. Then he can hoist him up and putting him back in bed. Jackson looks quite comfy there in his blanket, so I figure he can stay there.

I have been trying to take it easy. Been having some bothersome cramping that makes me worry about possible miscarriage. It is pretty mild, but I can't help but worry. Of course there isn't any sense in worrying. In the first trimester, if something isn't right, there isn't anything you can do. So I just have to try to relax and wait.

I had a check-up with my oncologist today. I was supposed to have a scan on Monday which I canceled, of course. So scans while pregnant. Dr. George doesn't seem concerned at all that I am pregnant and just plans to see me every three months instead of every 4-6 months. There really shouldn't be any problems. And if for some reason we question whether the cancer is coming back, I can do a chest x-ray with a shield for my belly, or even an MRI if we really need to do some looking.

I also stopped by my family doctor to make sure I don't have a bladder infection. Seems that could be the cause of some of my discomfort and pressure. Prelim results look ok, but they will know for sure in a day or two.

In the meantime, I am trying not to stress and worry. My bosses kicked me out at work today, sent me home to rest. It is really, really busy right now - playbills, the new season playbill, lots of work to get season ticket sales going. I could work all day every day. And I would if I could. But my body keeps reminding me that I need rest. And I have to eat every 2 damned hours or I am starving and feeling sick.

So think good thoughts for me that the cramping is nothing and that I manage to get the rest I need, but can't mentally commit to. I have such a hard time slowing down. Especially when there is so much to do.

Bonnie, the Marvelous Wig Lady

The statesman ran a great article on Bonnie, the wig lady at Pat Painter's Wig Salon. You should be able to see it here. She is the one who I went to who gave Andrea' and I such a good afternoon trying on and playing with a hundred wigs. She handed me a "Fuck Cancer" button and bracelet when I walked in the door and was so irreverent when she showed the pair of underpants with hair glued to the outside. She told me I'd need a wig 'down there' too. I did not have a head shaving party, Andrea' did it for me in my kitchen. But I have nothing but fond memories of Bonnie and Pat's and what an oasis she creates for a woman losing her precious hair. If you know anyone in central Texas with cancer or alopecia, send them immediately to Pat Painter's on Burnet Road. Thanks Bonnie! Here is what I blogged at the time, if you care to read it.

Jackson has a lot to say and I have a secret.

He talks. All the time. From the minute he wakes up til we tuck him in at night. Then I can hear him from the living room talking, singing and chanting until he falls asleep. The kind of things he says are largely varied.

He puts random items on his head, like a book, and runs around chanting "I'm the guy with the book on his head!" "I'm the guy with the car on his head" I think this may be a spongebob thing.

He gets very upset if, when driving, he decides I am going the wrong way. If I take a different route than he expects to the Palace or on the way home, he gets so mad and cries from the back seat about how I am not going the right way and how we will never get home. "Home, I miss you," he cries pathetically.

He has invented a game he calls 'potato tickle' which is 'one potato, two potato - the fist game - except you don't say 'seven potato more' you say 'seven potato TICKLE!' and then tickle the hell out of him.

He has started to draw some pretty good stick figures and make some people-like sculptures out of play dough. I took a picture of his latest work to share with you. Good stuff. In the above pic, that is Jackson's self-portrait. The round thing on his torso he says is his tummy. Like a balloon. In the pic below, Jackson says the figure on the left is him, the one on the right is me. I think I have a duck bill. He says it is my smile.


So I have decided to officially out myself. I am expecting again. It is too early to out myself - about 6-7 weeks only. But I am tired of not blogging to avoid talking about how I am doing, which is tired, moody and nauseated most of the time. So I am blogging about it. I figured I blogged intimate details of my cancer treatment, I may as well blog the pregnancy from the get go.

I have known for about three weeks or so. Which is odd, I didn't figure it out with Jackson til about 7 1/2 weeks. This time I knew almost immediately. Experience or earlier symptoms? I dunno. Either way, I was certain before any home test would read positive. And I am happy that this baby got to be on stage in Hay Fever. I was doing a children's play, Hank the Cowdog ,when I found out with Jackson so it is fitting that this time around I was also in a show at the time. Stage beginnings for each is a good thing.

So I am well, but as I said, tired, moody an nauseated. With an impressive bosom. That alone should clue in those close to me. I did not go out and get a wonderbra, my friends. It is all natural. I have decided that these endowments are a gift to the newly expecting mother from the gods of "holy-shit-you're-preggers-better-keep-that-man-of-yours!" Not that my spouse was going anywhere, but these do help offset the crazy-lady mood swings he has been putting up with for a few weeks.

I have also been thinking about this all-day sickness that plague the first three months. I was thinking it was a flawed design. How were early human women supposed to forage and cook and care for other children when they were sick all the time without modern conveniences? But I have decided the tiredness and nausea must be natures way of making you take it easy during a delicate time. The first three months give you a physical indication of pregnancy for you to feel and for your family to witness so you take it easy and those around you facilitate that. Then at about the time you may start visually showing, it eases off. Everyone can see you are pregnant and could use some special care.

Not sure that makes me feel any better when I am losing my lunch, but it is a good thought.

So a month before my 2-year cancerversary I find that I can, in fact,conceive. My innards are not fried and seem to be working ok. Now send good thoughts my way that I carry this to term and have a healthy baby in February.

Brownies

We had dinner at David's parents house tonight for Father's day. Good food and good company as usual. Jackson makes me laugh so much, though. After dinner he asked about dessert and we told him when everyone was done eating we had brownies for dessert. He paused for a second and said "It's really nice of you guys to give me a brownie, but I rather don't want one." He wanted a Popsicle instead. I had to laugh at how politely he declined a brownie, knowing full well that after his Popsicle he would ask for one. He did.

Fountains are for running through

I just spent an enjoyable evening at The Domain with Elaine, Sabrina and a couple of Elaine's friends. And Jackson. He heard I was meeting Aunt Elaine and he really wanted to come too. And the ladies were fine with it, so Jackson joined us on our girls evening.


We met at California Pizza kitchen, and had a good dinner and then we headed to the gelato place a few doors down. Jackson particularly enjoyed the dark chocolate fudge gelato and didn't even make a huge mess. Afterwards we stopped at the water fountain they have there and let him get all wet playing in it with a few other kids. I was just going to let him get his feet wet, but Elaine and the ladies encouraged him to run right in and get all wet. I had his backpack with me with a change of clothes so what-the-hell. You only get to be a little kid once. He had a really good time and I was really proud of how well-behaved he was all evening. He is a good boy most of the time. A handful, but a good boy, I think.



On many Saturdays in the parking lot of the Fry's in North Austin they have a race track set up for remote control cars. These are not your kid's little remote control cars, these things are gas-powered monster cars that are loud, fast and you can smell the burnt rubber. There is a Hobby Town in that shopping center and this is an event the hold there periodically in good weather. A few weeks ago we had to return something to Fry's and got there in time to see some of the races. Jackson was in heaven. He sat there for an hour with his Dad watching the cars racing, mesmerized. I can't imagine a more fun afternoon for him.


And here is an especially cute picture of Jackson and his Omi a couple of weeks ago.

ahh...

I am sitting on my couch listening to the quiet hum of my new washer. As I reported a month or more ago, my washer and dryer were dying. I don't know if I ever reported that I got new ones. I got a nice front-loader and both the washer and dryer have the steam functions that I have been coveting for a few years. Not sure if they are going to make a big difference in my life, the steam function, that is, but I do think my clothes are a little cleaner. They smell a little nicer anyway. And the washer is so quiet. I have to send Jackson in to the pantry to tell me if it is done yet. Or I have to listen for the song. Cause the new machines sing to me when they are finished. Really. They are made by LG, the same people who make lots of cell phones. My washer plays a ring-tone when it is done. The first time it sang to us, Jackson burst into spontaneous applause. It was precious.

So I am listening for the washer to sing to me so I can go in and deal with the clothes. And then I am going to throw the kid in the tub and listen to him splash and play for a while. I plan to get him in bed by 8 since he didn't nap today and he needs his sleep. And because a new episode of The Closer is coming on at 8:00.

Hay Fever closed yesterday. I am sad to not be hanging out with such a great group of people all the time. I felt so lucky to be in a show with such a fine set of actors. Everyone was so skilled and solid. I really felt like I was a part of a kick-ass team, led by Ms. Bernadette Nason.

But I will say I am not sorry to be at home on the couch and not having to drive into Austin 4 days a week. David is off at rehearsal now and he is the one that has to take off a mere 45 minutes after he gets home from work. And I am the one in charge of the boy in the evenings. So now I hope to become a semi-regular blogger again.

...heh, pardon me, my washer is singing to me...

What is happening right now...

Jackson: Mom, I smell spiders.
Me: Really? What do they smell like?
Jackson: ...spiders.


I am sitting on my couch waiting for the stove timer to beep, telling me my macaroni is ready to be drained in anticipation of the packet of powdered orange goodness that will transform it into macaroni and cheese. I am such a gourmet. It isn't even Kraft, it's generic. What does that say about me? I am not sure I want to know.

So indeed the Chronicle did pan my show, calling us too loud, too fast and too broad for a Noel Coward British comedy of manners. Of course any of you who have ever done any live theatre, especially of the unpaid variety, know the mantra of comedic shows. Say it with me, please! "Louder, faster, funnier!" We were just doing what we have learned the audiences like. And our audiences are enjoying the show. And this particular critic has a reputation for being a self-important ass-hat. We have been receiving condolences from other local theatre artists who have been 'Pineo'd' as we are now calling it. So whatever. As my friend Andy said, all publicity is good publicity.

Last night the show was sold out. And we had a pretty darn good show. A few little ups and downs. But all in all, it went well. The problem we are having is with the air conditioning system of the City Theatre. It is loud. Very loud. And situated directly over the stage. The initial plan was to run the AC before the show and during the intermissions, but to leave it off during the performance. But it isn't working out. It is simply getting too hot. With a full house of 75 in close proximity to each other, the stage and the hot stage lights, we simply can't leave it off. They are miserable and so are we. So the stage manager has been experimenting with timing to turn it off and on based on which scene is happening. But the only outcome is that for half the show the audience has to strain to hear us and the other half they are fretting about the heat. And it is very distracting onstage for us to hear the very loud AC turn off and on. So after the show last night we talked about it as a cast and decided to cave to the Texas heat and turn the damn thing on and leave it on. It is hard to hear in the back two rows, so we have to really work to be louder so those people can hear. But the stifling, distracting environment is no better. So with more of my effort having to go to being heard, my character might lose a little life and luster. Especially since she is shy and uncomfortable a lot. It is hard to act 'quiet' when you have to shout your lines. Sigh. But there isn't any choice.

Moral is, if you are coming to the show, don't sit in the back. And get there early cause parking is somewhat limited anyway.

David has started rehearsals for Big River and has taken Jackson with him to a couple of dance and vocal rehearsals. Jackson makes me smile because he really wants to participate in the whole thing. If they are learning dance, he wants to stand up with them and try to do what they are doing. And he gets frustrated that he can't do it. He says "They all do it better than me!" He's not quite four! He expects that he can do the dance that the teen boys are learning. He is unforgiving of himself. And during the vocal rehearsal he sits with them and holds a libretto book just like they do. Because I have been playing the soundtrack in my car for months he knows these songs and actually sang the correct words at the correct time just like the chorus.

This morning we were heading to a rehearsal and he asked if he could be in the show. David told him he was still a bit too young, but that he could be in lots of shows when he gets older. About ten minutes later we pulled up to the dance studio and Jackson sadly started to cry. We asked him what was wrong and he said, "My Daddy said I can't be in the show..." Poor boy, it was very sad. We told him that he could join the dancers if he stayed out of the way and that today he could be 'in the show.' I guess that was a lie. He can't be in the show. But he can be in the rehearsals as long as they are learning things and he doesn't disrupt anything. And in a couple of years he can do the summer camps at the Palace and be in those shows. And someday maybe a mainstage.

So my husband has a broken pinky toe. He accidentally kicked a roller blade that was hidden under a garbage bag in the garage about a week ago. His poor toe swelled and bruised up and has been giving him grief enough that he went to the clinic yesterday and had it X-rayed. And it is broke. Not much they can do about it, though. He has to tape it up to the toe next to it for a month. And take Advil. And seek sympathy from his wife.

Why no blog?

Why don't I want to blog? WTF?

My show opened on Friday last week to appreciative audiences and kudos. I have been very, very busy prior to that and have been busy since trying to catch up on sleep, TV, yard work and laundry. But not blogging. I don't really feel like blogging. It just seems that when there is so much going on to write about, it becomes overwhelming and I don't write about anything.

So, yes, my show opened and it is a good one. I am having a good time with this cast and the audiences are laughing at my bits and seem to be enjoying the show.

Come see it if you are nearby. Here is the link to the site to make reservations. There are two more weekends.

And here is a link to a review on Austinlivetheatre.com. They liked us too. The Chronicle review will be out soon, and who knows how that one will be. The reviewer that came out is reported to be a not-so-kind one and he may or may not pan us for any reason. But whatever. The show is good, I think. Solid cast and we look and sound great.

Here is a pic of me back stage that my cast-mate Martina took on Sunday. You can kinda see how I cut my hair for the show into a more 1920's style bob. I actually like it a lot.


And now it is my turn to stay home with Jackson while David does a show. He is directing Big River and starts rehearsals with that this week. So I am hoping the forced house-boundedness will prompt me to find my inner blogger once more and stop being so anti-social - at least in the online community.

Rehearsal and Jackson Boy

Oh, I have to share this awesome picture that Elaine created for her photo shop class. I love it and her teachers thought it was good enough to be included in their end-of-semester show that they do. She titled it 'Wild Man' cause that is what is on the shirt he is wearing. This photo piece truly captures the essence (and the sticky-out tongue) of my little boy. And that is one reason I haven't blogged in so long. Elaine borrowed my laptop for a few days to do this picture since her new laptop has not arrived yet. But mostly I have just been so busy rehearsing for Hay Fever and running around on the weekends that I have had no interest in sitting down to blog, or even surf the web much when I am actually at home. I apologize for the blog silence(Dad). I promise to do much better when this show opens.

I just got home from rehearsal a few minutes ago. It is 10:30 and we got there at 6:30. And I do want to head to bed soon so this will be a short blog, just to say that I am alive and all is well. Tonight's rehearsal was good, one of the best run-throughs. We had a couple of people watching tonight and that makes such a difference. When the cast is just about ready to open a week and a half before we open it can lead to what I call Stale Cast Syndrome. None of the jokes are funny anymore, nothing seems spontaneous and there is little energy. But add an actual audience, even an audience of two, and viola, the actors remember why they are working so hard and remember to perform instead of phoning it in. Tonight had renewed energy and I can see that it will be a good show. We move into the theatre Monday and open on Friday, May 22nd. Come see the show if you live in Central Texas! Make your reservations here!

Jackson is doing well. He likes to talk. All the time. I can't believe sometimes how much he has to say and how continually he will say it. In the car, he talks non-stop from one place to the next. It is a constant stream of stories and questions and lots of comments about my driving. Today he was telling me not to crash into any cars in front of me or I might "destroy the city." He said that. I might destroy the city. He has also told me to be careful pulling into the garage because I might run into something and damage the house. Then he told me that damage means broke, just in case I didn't understand the word.

He has decided that he is going to be a race car driver and drive a purple race car when he grows up. He offers this information to anyone who will listen. And he likes to ask me what I am going to be when I am grow up. I tell him I am already grown up and that I work at the Palace. He announced to his Dad that he (David) is going to be a singer when he (David) grows up and that Mommy is going to be a worker and that he (Jackson) is going to be a race car driver. Lucky me. They get glamorous jobs and I get to be a worker. Typical.

It is bedtime now. Goodnight!

Trip report number one

Even though I had a stomach bug that kept me in bed more than I would have liked, I had a really good time in Salem and Boston with Andrea. The weather was gorgeous and there were so many flowers and trees in bloom. And I just love the whole atmosphere up north. I could really see myself living in Massachusetts. If only I wasn't so scared of the winters.

But it is so different there. In Salem, they don't have lights at the crosswalks to tell you when to go and when not to go. When you are walking along the sidewalk and you get to the crosswalk, the cars simply stop and let you go. And the drivers don't even seem at all annoyed at having to do so. They just stop. In Texas you'd get run over by a two-ton pick-up truck and the driver wouldn't even stop to render aid. And the courts would honor him for doing so.

Salem is beautiful and is full of museums and historical sites dedicated to their unsavory history of having hanged a bunch of innocent people for witchcraft on the word of some bored 11 year-olds. There are shops full of arcane paraphernalia and witches weeds (clothes, I discovered, of the robe and skirt variety). Psychic reading and tarot card shops line the streets. And there are cats everywhere. I ran into probably six cats in the 24 hours we were in Salem. A Black cat came right up to us when we were walking around near the House of Seven Gables. It makes sense though. Cats and witches, right? Seems that although the famously hanged witches were not actually witches, Salem has become somewhat of a haven for Wiccans. They have a population numbering in the thousands. Not sure it makes sense, to move to the town notorious for witch hunts, but there you have it. Salem really has witches now and hopefully they go out and taunt the graves of the bastards who killed the innocent ones.

We went on a Ghost tour, with a tour guide in costume, and walked around Salem at night, visiting a cemetery and several haunted houses. Our guide talked about the haunted history of different houses, most having to do with the witch trials. It was cheesy, but fun. And I won a shot glass. The guide gave a prize to the person to answered a question correctly first. The question was "How many people were burned as witches in Salem." The answer is zero since they were all hanged, except the one they 'pressed' or crushed to death. So I won a Salem shot glass. Yay me.


Above is a pic of our tour guide in front of the Clue house. Apparently the Parker Brothers are from Salem. And there was a grisly murder in this mansion that involved the victim being bludgeoned with a wrench and stabbed with a knife. And there was a major court case that argued whether is was the pipe wrench or the candlestick. Turns out the victims daughter was to marry a man her father didn't approve of. So her fiance hired a man to kill him so she would not be cut out of the will. The daughters name? Mrs. White. So the Parker Brothers made a game of the whole thing and we all still play it. It this true? I haven't googled it, but it sure sounded good on the ghost tour.

We stayed in a lovely B&B called the Morning Glory and our host, Bob, was as delightful a man as I have met. Very warm and welcoming. And our room was sweet and comfortable. We talked with him a little and he confessed playing up about the B&B being haunted because he gets a lot of people asking. He says people want to come to Salem and stay in a haunted house. So he says yes if they ask if it is haunted. And he put a creepy kid painting in each room. Cause old paintings of kids are creepy. They just are. He says every once in a while he goes in to clean after a guest leaves and finds the creepy kid picture has been taken down and placed facing the wall so the guest doesn't have to look at it. Funny. Here is the kid painting from our room.


Boston is a gorgeous flowering city that is so pedestrian-friendly. I could really get used to the mixed residential/commercial layouts and the subway. It is unreal to me that you could actually live somewhere like this and not have a car. And not miss it.

We stayed in a gorgeous row house B&B that was not too far from Boston Common and the start of the Freedom Trail. I loved walking the trail and visiting the historic sites and enjoying the weather. Here is Andrea and me on Boston Common just before we headed off to walk the Freedom Trail.


And here is the street our B&B was on in Boston. There was block after block that looked just like this. It was gorgeous. I would love to move there, but would surely be unable to afford this neighborhood. I got the distinct feeling we were in a very expensive area.

More Boston/Salem stories later when I have time. I promise!

I got the next Palace playbill for Little Shop of Horrors sent off to the printers today and will be spending the rest of the work week getting things ready for opening night next Friday. I will be out all next week so I have some things to get done in advance.

Monday morning early, early, early (6 am)I am flying to Boston with my best friend Andrea. We are going to stay at a B&B in Salem the first night then head into Boston to another B&B. I am getting excited about it and think we are going to have a really great time.

I am going to be sad to go on a trip without David though. I will miss him. I have been thinking about what will be different on a trip with Andrea' than a trip with David. I'll have to carry my own bags for one. But there will be more drinking, I'm sure. David doesn't drink much to speak of, but Andrea' and I have been known to throw back a few (too many). I will also have to be diligent about taking pictures. David usually takes them or prompts me to. So I will have to have the camera at the ready.

I am going to miss my boys. My Dad is coming to stay with David for a few days to take Jackson to and from school and help out. And David will probably take a couple of days off. They will get along just fine, but I will miss them.

And I have to figure out what to pack. Highs in the 60's and 70's. Is that long sleeve weather? Is my leather jacket enough for lows in the 40's & 50's? And then there is the whole shoe question. My feet killed me in D.C. in my boots that were not quite comfy enough. Plus they will probably be too warm. So do I go with sneakers and look dorky and save my feet or shoes that match what I am wearing and hurt? I know, I know. Sneakers and dork-hood. Andrea? What are you bringing to wear? I can't be dorky alone.

This past weekend my Dad came to visit and helped us solve the washer/dryer issue. He brought his truck and we bought new ones. He took the old sort-of-functional ones back with him and is finding homes for them with people who will be happy to have them. And we bought fancy new ones that light up like an airplane cockpit and play songs to you when the laundry is done. And these are not even close to the fanciest ones on the market. But I feel very indulgent when my washer sings me a song to tell me the cycle is done. Jackson thinks they are pretty. He says "these new ones are perfect." He likes that the washer is a front-loader with a window and he can watch the wash cycle. Hours of entertainment, I tell you. Ok. Minutes of entertainment.

Before my Dad left we found a tiny tree seedling growing in the yard under our oak tree. I can't remember seeing a new tree growing in the yard before. I guess conditions have to be right. So we decided to save it, dig it out, pot it and we have been watering it every day. It is Jackson's baby tree.

I know there are more things to talk about - rehearsals and work and such - but it is hard to blog after working all day and then rehearsing (which is going well). All I want to do now is read my book and veg. So that is what I am going to do.

You have got to be kidding...

Quote from a Kmart commercial I just saw on TV"

"I found these gorgeous Jacklyn Smith sheets that I adore. And the kicker? They're machine washable..."

Um, really? Machine washable sheets? Man, I gotta get me some of those. I've been schlepping mine to the dry cleaners for years. (I guess I should say I've had the maid schlep them to the cleaners for me.)And Jacklyn Smith? Is Jacklyn Smith so designer you wouldn't expect to be able to throw them in the washer? I guess I am out of the fashionable loop then. I had no idea.

And at Kmart? Does Kmart sell sheets that aren't machine washable? Does anybody buy them?

I was also just watching the TLC show "Say Yes to the Dress" which chronicles women choosing wedding gowns at Klienfelds Bridal in NYC, one of the biggest, most popular designer gown salons in the country. And I was watching this woman try on $3 to $6 thousand dollar dresses while wearing a BLACK bra underneath. Really. She is prepared to pay that much money for a gown, is appearing on national TV while trying on these gowns and couldn't be bothered to wear a white undergarment. So a $4k dress looked trailer park on her, as did the $3K dress. Don't most bridal shops have bras and girdles and all of that right there for you to try on with the dresses? They did when I bought my dress. Cause they really want to sell one to you. Cause they are as over-priced as the dresses. They want to sell you a $100 bra to go with it.

I'm so judgemental. I judge them for spending that much on a dress and I judge them for being trailer park while doing it...whatever.

Good news and bad news

So my mom broke into my house today to do my laundry while I was at work. What a woman. The bad news is that my dryer is broken. It tumbles. And tumbles and tumbles, but the heat is barely there and it takes 2 hours to dry a load of laundry. So my mom ended up taking some of my stuff home with her to do. I feel so lazy. My mom came, stole my laundry and will bring it back tomorrow clean. I have to call around and fine someone to come see if my dryer can be fixed. But at least I will have some clean underpants while I work on that. Thanks mom.

Everything happens for a reason.

I have been putting off the laundry. This is nothing new. I hate doing the laundry. There is nothing I like about it - wait, I like it when it is finished. That is all. Usually I let the clothing bins in my closet get full-to-bursting. Then when the small room starts to smell like dirty socks, I know it is time to do the laundry.

It is almost that time. Today I spent a full minute digging around in my unmentionables drawer looking for a clean pair of underpants. I knew there had to be one more in there somewhere, (please don't let me be out of underpants, I thought). And there at the bottom of the drawer, winking at me prettily, was the gorgeous peridot earring that I had lost months ago. I knew it was in my closet somewhere, I dropped it while standing there by the dresser in the closet and I could not find it anywhere. I have been over the floor with a flashlight on hands and knees, I have dug in all the drawers looking and always giving up saying "I'll find it at some point." Today was the day. So there. Everything really does happen for a reason. I put off the laundry, letting my top drawer get dangerously low on unmentionables and voila, I found my precious earring.

BTW, my mom is coming over on Friday to play with Jackson while I am at work. If I can only find enough underpants to get me through the week, I bet she will do a couple of loads for me while I am out. Mom loves laundry and she always looks for a load to do while she is here. Is is wrong to hold out, knowing she is coming over?

Yes, I am sure it is. But I am going to do it anyway. Thanks Mom.

I have been going through a blogger depression lately. I just haven't felt like writing. I have been sick for a week, lost my voice, cursed my sinuses and am now feeling human again. And I have had so many doctors appointments in the last month, I am tired of it all. I just haven't wanted to write anymore about blood draws and new meds and all the other stuff involved in trying to get my health and my life back in line post cancer. And the bills and their errors that I spend time on the phone sorting out. I guess I didn't want to get on here and complain. I heard it said once that bloggers complain a lot. And I don't want to be like that.

So here are a few Jackson gems. A few days ago Jackson broke a glass tea candle holder. I have no idea how, I was in the kitchen and he came in from the living room holding the broken glass and shards. "I broke this, mama," he said. So I quickly had him throw the glass away and rinsed his hands to get the small bits off. But I must have missed the fact that he was cut a tiny bit, because he came back in a few minutes later with blood smeared on his hands. "Mama, what is all this red stuff," he asked. It occurred to me he has rarely bled in his 3 1/2 years. Is this a testament to my mothering skills that my son doesn't know what blood is and isn't addicted to band aids?

Jackson has also taken to telling me funny jokes. He says they are funny jokes not me. Here is an example:

Jackson: Mama, I'm gonna tell you a funny joke.
Me: Ok, go ahead.
Jackson: What do you pick off trees and put in a basket?
Me: What?
Jackson: Fruit hahahahahahaha

He doesn't know you aren't supposed to laugh at your own joke. I am pretty sure he makes these up as he goes along. Usually they are about cars. "What drives on the road and crashes into a tree? Cars! Hahahahahaha! Comedians, I swear.

Rehearsals are going well for Hay Fever. I am busy 4 or 5 days a week after work. I get home, quickly fix something to eat, drive to austin by 6:30 and come home just before 10. (And did I mention my sinus infection and loss of voice for 3 days? So don't give me any crap about the laundry, ok?)

Speaking of me not speaking for a few days, I have to say that my husband is so sweet. Instead of being happy not to have to hear my voice as would be the expected husbandly response, he kept telling me how much it sucked not to have anyone to talk to and that the house was all "quiet and sad" and that he hated me not being able to talk. Such a sweetheart. And he even forgives the laundry monster threatening to take over our closet. (Can you see I am unable to stop thinking about the laundry that I really, really don't want to do, but desperately need to?)