Friday, September 07, 2007

It has been a weird past few days. After the awful first chemo night and the shopping extravaganza on Wednesday, I find myself delirious and kind of disconnected. I am more than a little weirded out by the fact that I can't really remember all the details from this week. The mall trip is kind of hazy, did I really buy 6 pairs of pants in one day? Me? I think I applied for and got a New York & Co. credit card. A mall store credit card? Me? WTF? I remember getting pedicures but am not exactly sure that I paid for them. But wait, I remember giving a cash tip, so I must have paid. The certainly wouldn't have let me just walk out, right?

Wow, I don't remember when exactly my Mom was here last. I think she was here Thursday morning when my Dad arrived for duty. I vaguely recall hearing her talking to my husband before he left for work "Did she sleep?", was the question. "I think so.", was the answer. And pancakes. I remember pancakes. I actually don't remember much of yesterday. I actually have to sit here and think to remember what I had for lunch. I do remember, my Mom stayed with Jackson and Dad and I went to Firebowl Cafe. Maybe I am not as bad off as I thought. I am just having a hard time with the details and recalling things as if they actually happened instead of just remembered in this cloudy haze.

Too many drugs.

I am tired and irritated and I don't exactly know why. I feel cut off from my life right now. Not sure exactly what tomorrow brings. More shopping? I don't think so. The manic mall trip has possibly scared some sense into me. 6 pairs of pants? For a girl who works part-time and even parter-time than normal?

But I guess it didn't scare me too much because at my request, Dad took me to Target today on a quest for new pillow cases. For some reason I needed new pillow cases. I changed my sheets Tuesday morning in preparation for sick week and I realized how dingy and course and just un-pretty my pillow cases are. And I don't quite have enough of them to completely change the sheets and duvet without washing immediately. So off we went for pillow cases and my Dad helped me choose some very nice, soft 400 thread count new pillow cases and a couple of new pillows to boot. Why must I shop to connect myself to the world? I dunno. But I feel kind of bad about letting my Dad foot the bill for unneeded pillow cases because I need to get out of the house and take control of something - anything.

I feel like I need a few days off. Off from cancer, I mean. Off from sick and fighting and recovering and noise and everything. Off from wearing too much make-up when I leave the house so I feel pretty and hip and normal. Grrr. Here I am complaining.

I need to stop. I have taken my third round of chemo and have a PET scan Monday morning to see how far the cancer has shrunk. I am confident somehow that the scan will show good results; that chemo is working as well as we expect and that I am really halfway done with this treatment.

I guess I am just letting it wear me down tonight. I am entitled to a little break down, right? I am just not the kind of person that forgets the details of an entire week and I am not sure why it upsets me so much.

Thanks to my Mom and Dad for taking care of me and feeding me this week and to David for not even blinking at the sheer volume of pants that came home on Wednesday with me. Sorry about the credit card. Can't believe I applied for one. Guess that is why when I looked at my bank statement online this morning there was no charge from NY and Co. Freaked me out for a minute till I remembered. Oh yeah. Consumer credit card. Whoa.

3 comments:

Jooley Ann said...

You are absolutely entitled to a breakdown. I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

If it makes you feel any better, the last few months I've been having a hard time coming up with words for simple things (my family patiently waits while I take loooong pauses in the middle of sentences), and sometimes I even can't put sentences together correctly. In my case, my husband assures me, it's lack of sleep & general baby stress. And my looming almost-40th b-day. Tell me how 40-something women have babies??

Good news on Monday will definitely help to put things right!

Fire Berry said...

Marsha,

You're so entitled. I shopped entirely too much this summer just to have something to do when I got bored while I wasn't working.

And one credit card is good -- yeah -- good... it will show up on your credit report as something you pay, so when you want more credit... wait, this doesn't seem right...

;-)

Love you. Mean it.

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