Sunday, September 09, 2007

I have been pretty out of sorts this weekend. Just not feeling very energetic. A little, well, more than a little depressed. Bored. But I really haven't had the energy and will to do anything special. Especially in light of my whirlwind post-chemo-splotchy-memory week. I just needed to be low-key for a few days.

Yesterday, after most of a day of doing nothing, David and I decided to get Jackson out of the house for some play time. We have tried taking him to our neighborhood pool before, but he hasn't seemed to like to get in the water with us. Which is odd, because we hear so much from David's folks how much he loves to go swimming when they keep him. So we decided to try again. There is a little play scape at the pool area and in the past he would rather swing than swim.

So with no expectation either way, we loaded up the boy in the wagon, dressed to swim, just in case, and headed to the pool and park around the corner. And this time we were able to coax him into the pool with us and swim around for a bit. It felt good to be in the water and we had a good time with the boy.

I was a little self-conscious, because of my big bald head. I felt a lady watching me while I put sunscreen on it. A few little kids looked at me funny, but I was able to get over it and swim in my bald-headed glory anyway. Having no hair makes swimming easy. I didn't have wet hair clinging to my back or annoying me in any way...small victories, you know. Yada yada.

Speaking of small victories, I was looking at a few pics from earlier this year and came across this one from my Robin Hood Show at the Scottish Rite Theatre.

Here I am decked out as Maid Marian, having just finished signing autographs for the kids. And all I can think when I look at it now is "Holy shit, I look ill!" How did I walk around looking like that and didn't know I was that sick? That dress is hanging off of my shoulders. Attractive, really attractive.

In comparison, here is a photo taken on Thursday, with my Dad. I am pretty puffy in the face from the prednisone, but boy, I look a little less like death warmed over. Of course that blank look on my face screams chemo-brain, but still. The cure is better than the illness. When this is all over, I hope to be able to look at myself in the mirror and see someone healthy again. Not too skinny, not too puffy, not blank-faced or out of it. Just me. That will be nice.

Today I did pretty much nothing. Actually, that is not true. I read a book and played on the floor a whole lot with my son. I just enjoyed watching him today. I kept the TV off most of the day and just hung out with Jackson. It is so interesting how he keeps himself entertained. He rolls on the floor and looks at a toy really, really close up. Then he finds a small feather in the toy basket and blows it around the room for a while. And when he catches me watching him and smiling, he laughs and engages me and wants to play. So we played. I didn't feel up to getting out of the house today, or even getting dressed. But I did have a good time bonding with Jackson boy and trying to get him to tell me his name. He won't do it. He gets real shy if you ask him and smiles, but he won't tell you his name. Maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my PET/CT scan. The eating restrictions today have been annoying. Low carb, no sugar. Blah. Hard to be restricted while the raging prednisone hunger screams in protest. So I am chewing gum. Cause I want to eat and protein is not a satisfying snack food. Cookies are. Ice cream is. Even the strawberries in my fridge are forbidden. Grrr. Tomorrow after the scan, I eat. Whatever I want. All day. So there.

1 comment:

Mary Ellen Butler said...

I was there when this picture was taken. It is a snapshot, a small picture of the whole. What the picture doesn't show is the fact that YOU wrote the play YOU just had the lead in. Not only was the script great but YOU, against pretty tough adversity (both inside and outside of you,) had completed writing and acting in your own theatrical play; and you did this with cancer eating your creativity and spirit. I call this picture a true triumph.
I am so proud to call you my friend!
Love, Mary Ellen