It is not quite 8 pm on Saturday night and I am almost too tired to blog. I could go to bed right now, but I am not ready to give in and go to bed before dark yet. I decided yesterday that I was not going to perform this weekend and that is turning out to be a very good thing. I feel ok. Just very, very tired, like I am slogging through molassas to get my legs to move. I am slow. And I can't seem to get moving any faster and for me, that is very hard to take. I am a person who moves quickly from place to place, with a focus and a purpose. I have always been impatient walking (or driving) behind the slowpokes. And now I am having to come to grips with the fact that I can't control everything. That I can't speed up and walk faster just because I really, really want to. And purpose be damned I will get there when I get there. But it sure is difficult. My mind is still going as fast as ever, it's just my body that simply won't keep up.
Luckily I am with understanding people mostly. Today David and I went to the Theatre to help a bit with Cats! auditions. Jackson came along and took his afternoon snooze in his accustomed place in the handicapped bathroom. He slept like a log all afternoon while the auditioners sang and danced. It was good to get out of the house and see friends and just be around the theatre and the normalcy it represents for me.
I was a bit afraid I would get there today and feel disappointment or pain to see the Steel Magnolias set waiting for tonight's show in which I will not be performing. But I think the fact that I could hardly climb the steps to the stage made it perfectly clear that I did not really decide not to do the show, I simply cannot currently do the show and I can't change it. If I got there and felt great and got that energy you get before a show and then had to say, "I wish I was going on..." But nope. I am ok with it. I may be up for it next weekend or I may have done the last of it I can, and I have to just accept it.
It was nice to step into the office for a minute. I found a whole stack of cards on my desk with my name on them. People have dropped off little notes to me. It is so wonderful to know that even though this really sucks and isn't what we planned for my 30th year, I am surrounded by people who care about me and don't hesitate to say so.
I actually had a minute or two yesterday when I simply felt happy. Well, content, I should say. How weird that I should feel contentment now. But there it is. We have been dealt this hand and I am proud and happy at how well we are going to be able to deal with it. We are blessed with good health insurance that is widely accepted and I don't have to work full time to keep it. We have family nearby who can and will take as much slack as they can. And tight as things may get, we aren't going to lose our home to pay our bills. If you have to be diagnosed with cancer, geez, there isn't a much better position to be in.
I do worry that this may mean David and I cannot have another child. Heh, we were well into the planning of baby #2 when I got Lasik done and put it off for a few months. Who would have known what a good thing that was. To have gotten pregnant and then be diagnosed with cancer would be...well I don't even want to think about that. It is just another bonus that it didn't happen.