Dr. George left me a message this afternoon about my PET scan results. He said that there is some 'residual' stuff that has been stable since the last check and that this isn't unusual for Lymphoma. Also my LDH Protein level in my blood is 'elevated' but that could be from my being so sick recently and being on antibiotics. LDH protein is found normally in everyone's blood, but a high level is a tumor marker. Normal level is something like 60 and when I was diagnosed with cancer mine was 660ish. The first chemo round knocked it down to normal levels that quickly. Since this was a phone message and not a conversation I was not able to ask him what exactly my current level is, what constitutes a bit elevated. He wants me to come in a month for a check-up on my blood work. We had already planned to do this to make sure my white blood count was staying up there, but he is adding some 'extra' tests to that. He didn't seem to be overly concerned by my LDH level, whatever it is, because I have what he called a 'negative PET/CT Scan'.
David and I are not quite sure what to feel about the results. Is this good news? Is this bad news? Don't like the 'residual' business, but the 'negative PET/CT' sounds good. And what about the LDH level? I just don't know. I do know that no one is ever going to be able to tell me 'You are cured, it will never come back.' And that really sucks ass. David asked "Is this how it is going to be every month for years?" I guess the answer is yes. This is how it will be forever, I suppose. Uncertainty. Is it really over? Will it ever really be over?
Cause in a month my levels could still be all screwed up; the lymphoma could even now be gearing up for a resurgence. Or not. This could still kill me and that is terrifying. Really, truly, terrifying. I don't want to die. Pretty simple statement; I don't want to die. Who does? But if I want to live hard enough, if I really, really want it, will that make a difference? I hope so.
Please let this be over. For good. For David and Jackson and me. Let this be done.