Thursday, December 20, 2007

Results, Sort Of

Dr. George left me a message this afternoon about my PET scan results. He said that there is some 'residual' stuff that has been stable since the last check and that this isn't unusual for Lymphoma. Also my LDH Protein level in my blood is 'elevated' but that could be from my being so sick recently and being on antibiotics. LDH protein is found normally in everyone's blood, but a high level is a tumor marker. Normal level is something like 60 and when I was diagnosed with cancer mine was 660ish. The first chemo round knocked it down to normal levels that quickly. Since this was a phone message and not a conversation I was not able to ask him what exactly my current level is, what constitutes a bit elevated. He wants me to come in a month for a check-up on my blood work. We had already planned to do this to make sure my white blood count was staying up there, but he is adding some 'extra' tests to that. He didn't seem to be overly concerned by my LDH level, whatever it is, because I have what he called a 'negative PET/CT Scan'.

David and I are not quite sure what to feel about the results. Is this good news? Is this bad news? Don't like the 'residual' business, but the 'negative PET/CT' sounds good. And what about the LDH level? I just don't know. I do know that no one is ever going to be able to tell me 'You are cured, it will never come back.' And that really sucks ass. David asked "Is this how it is going to be every month for years?" I guess the answer is yes. This is how it will be forever, I suppose. Uncertainty. Is it really over? Will it ever really be over?

Cause in a month my levels could still be all screwed up; the lymphoma could even now be gearing up for a resurgence. Or not. This could still kill me and that is terrifying. Really, truly, terrifying. I don't want to die. Pretty simple statement; I don't want to die. Who does? But if I want to live hard enough, if I really, really want it, will that make a difference? I hope so.

Please let this be over. For good. For David and Jackson and me. Let this be done.


eefolsom said...

I've been checkin all day for news, and I'm sorry it isn't the jubilant news you hoped for. BUT it isn't bad news either. The road will continue and I know you will continue to kick cancers ass ALL the way down it!

Are ya'll going our of town for Christmas? The kids and I wanted to come bring you some chocolate, so let me know when is the best time. If you don't still have my number, Larry or Matt or Mary Ellen have it.

Fire Berry said...

Yes. YES. You can be done with this. DONE. (I'm not kidding!) I see it happen all the time. Think about how amazing and miraculous this journey has been so far! You've been on a fast track to recovery and have gotten there in a flash. Congratulations. I encourage you to take the time to see how amazing you are, and how far you've come in such a short time!

You are wonderful.