A blog about cancer, motherhood, theatre, the politics of healthcare and life in general.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Kindergarten has begun
Jackson is now a Kindergartner. He has a backpack and sorta knows where his classroom is and seems to be doing pretty well. Except he really seriously doesn't care for the whole getting out of bed and immediately getting dressed and ready and leaving the house. He was in tears this morning, not because he doesn't like school, but because he is used to getting up, spending and hour or so leisurely curled up in a blanket watching his cartoons, having breakfast, maybe a bath then heading to pre-school. He kept saying this morning, "It's not time to brush teeth, it isn't tiiiiiimmmmmeee!" And I totally agree. I would rather school started at 8:30 or 9 instead of 7:45. But it doesn't so he has to get up, get ready and get out the door. Morning cartoons are now a weekend thing.
His teacher just called to say that he was doing well and that he got two orange stars today. According to the handout on the rules we got, that means he set a good example for others. We asked him what he did to earn the stars and he doesn't remember. But at least we know he is doing ok.
He did have a pretty decent breakdown this evening. I think he is starting to understand that he isn't going to be spending nearly as much time with me anymore. Not going to the Palace, not spending half the day at home with me several days a week. He curled up on my (non-existent) lap and started to cry. He said he wanted to live with me forever and he didn't want to move out when he is a grown-up. We have talked in the past about how when you are a grown-up, you go and live in your own house with your own family. Well, he decided tonight he wasn't ever moving out and that if he did, I would have to come with him. He needed all kind of reassurance that I would still hold him and give him love forever. I totally lied and told him he could live with me forever. He can't. He has to move out when he is a grown up, but by then he will want to. I hope...
A blurry wave goodbye
I tried really hard not to tell him that I would be here with him forever. Cause you just can't promise that. But it is really hard not to lie and say it when your child is crying in your arms. Shit, besides just being human and sorta likely to keel over at some point, I am a cancer survivor and about to have a baby. I can't promise to be here next week, let alone 30 years or more. I told him that as long as I had the power to do so, I would be with him and hold him and love him. I guess I have seen too many Hallmark movies where a parent dies and a little kid reacts with anger saying "Daddy said he'd never leave me. He lied to me!" Probably doesn't make a difference, he heard what he wanted to hear, I am sure and not what I actually said. But I tried.
I went to the pulmonologist today to see about this cough that I have had for about a month. I am about 35 weeks pregnant now and I really don't need to be hacking and coughing while I am trying to deliver a baby. I need air to labor, I think. I wish I could get a chest x-ray or scan of some kind. But this doc isn't comfortable doing anything while I am pregnant. I've been on amoxicillin since Saturday because Jackson had strep throat and I was having symptoms. The doc was going to suggest just that, but since I've been on it for five days and it hasn't done anything, he is putting me on Augmentin, a stronger antibiotic.
He also wants me to take prednisone for five days. This makes me very uneasy. Prednisone is a steroid and was one of the drugs I was on during chemo. I have bad memories of prednisone. Ravenous hunger, extreme moodiness, weight gain, bloating, jitteriness, pounding heart-beat, etc. This would be a much, much smaller dose and only for five days. But the idea still scares me. I filled the prescription, but I am not going to take it until I hear from my OB. I called his office to ask his advice, but didn't get a call back today. I need to know if this is going to cause gigantobaby that I can't birth. Is it going to affect him somehow and make me gain ten more pounds?
So I am going to start the augmentin tonight and hope that it helps my cough.
Five more weeks. I don't think I am going to make it five more weeks. Though I thought the same with Jackson and he was 8 days late. So maybe I can. It just seems like an eternity. Five weeks. Man.