Planet Cancer Retreat This Weekend!

I am excited. This weekend I am attending my second Planet Cancer Retreat. I am so lucky that PC is based in Austin and has its retreats here each summer. I don't have to spring for airfare! My friend Becky, whom I met at the retreat last year, is flying in a day early tomorrow and will hang with me for a night and a day before we both head to The Crossings for the retreat on Friday afternoon. I am taking her to dinner at Threadgill's and then to Andrea's production of The Vagina Monologues. Maybe a trip downtown after or on Friday to show her a little bit of Austin.

Then the retreat this weekend where we will meet and connect with cancer survivors from all over the country ages 25-40. It is a really neat weekend and I am happy I got accepted to go a second year.

I'm pretty weary tonight from working hard this week so I can take Thursday and Friday off, and then tonight getting the house ready for a guest. I have a little more to do tomorrow, but I have done most of the cleaning I wanted to do. The kitchen is the last thing and that can be done tomorrow. Now I just have to keep the small child from destroying all my work before she comes tomorrow. We may have to tie him up and sit him in the corner. (KIDDING! REALLY!)

Birthday

I had a good birthday today. David and I took Jackson for his first dental appt this morning. Not what you would expect us to do first thing on my birthday, but David scheduled it a few months ago, overlooking the fact that is is my birthday. But no biggie, I might have wanted to stay in bed longer, but I wanted to be there for his first visit.

He has been nervous about it for a few days, asking me to please not make him go. I have been telling him that the dentist just wants to look at his teeth to make sure they are strong and healthy. So he says, "What if she says they aren't strong and healthy? Will she make me stop brushing my teeth?" So there has been some anxiety leading up to this visit.



But he was so good. Didn't get too upset this morning about going and went into the exam room willingly, although apprehensively. The Dentist was great, taking time to really connect with him before getting into his mouth. She had a large stuffed frog with a full set of human-looking teeth that she pulled out to show him. Together they counted the frog's teeth and then Jackson let her count his teeth. She did and exam and polished his teeth and took x-rays. Jackson enjoyed seeing the x-rays of his teeth. All in all it was a good visit and a great first experience at the dentist for him. I am glad we went with this doc. She is not a pediatric dentist, but a family dentist that does kids too. But I think the calm environment of this office and the exemplary care of this dentist was the right choice.

Tonight, my mom came over and watched Jackson and David took me out to dinner. He set it up. I didn't even know where we were going till we got there. He took me to Fogo De Chao. Very, very good if you are a carnivore. Neat place. They bring skewered meats to your table and cut hunks off for you. Endlessly. Until you can't possibly eat anymore. And they have a first-rate veggie/salad bar. I am stuffed and content.

I have been starting to feel a bit better. My hormones are much lower which probably helps with my moodiness. Hopefully this will continue and I will be back to my old self again soon.

Miscarriage take two

I am doing my best to recover from my miscarriage. It has been three weeks and you would think I would be getting back to normal, but I had not been feeling anything close to normal. On Thursday last week I woke up in the morning with severe cramps and bleeding. Enough that I had to go to the ER to get checked out. Seems I had an incomplete miscarriage three weeks ago and it took this long for my body to figure it out. So after a day spent in the ER and some IV morphine, I think I finally may be nearing the end of the physical ordeal of losing the baby.

Finally.

I had a check-up today with the OB Doc who saw me in the ER. He is checking my hormone levels to make sure they go down this time. Thursday they were still high, explaining the feelings of still being pregnant that I have had for the last three weeks.

I am hoping the hormones will drop quickly and that I will be on a more stable level. I am so volatile lately. I get so mad so easily. Little things make me cry or curse and I am having a hard time just getting by without lashing out about stupid things.

Everyday life is hard. We all know it. Bureaucracy reigns and you just have to deal with it. Shit happens and you have to keep going. You have to go to a doctor's appt to deal with a miscarriage from three weeks ago instead of taking your son to a Kindermusic class.

So what is a girl who is emotionally unstable and kinda depressed to do? You know it. Nice and Easy. Hair color. I am now sporting dark, really dark, brown hair. I like it. It made me feel slightly better.

I am hoping to get myself under better control soon. Maybe when I am truly physically recovered from all of this, I can.

It just seems like everything has to be hard. Trying to make an appointment for Jackson to get a rash looked at is hard. It shouldn't be. I called the doc around 3:45 to get an appointment for tomorrow morning while I am off work. They wouldn't make an appt for him for tomorrow. Said they only make same-day appts. I would have to call back at 8 am tomorrow to get an appt for tomorrow. I could come in today though. Their last appt was at 5. I had my own appt today at 4. It was possible I could make it, if my own appt ran on time. So I took the chance and made the appt, knowing it was a long shot. Alas, my 4 p.m. appt didn't happen till 4:30. I got out at 4:50 and tried to call the pediatric office to tell them I wasn't going to make it. But they turned their phones off. Said office hours were 8 - 5. So they turned off their phones early and I couldn't even leave a message.

So I sat in my car and had a two-minute breakdown. My mom had taken Jackson to his music class that I had to miss and I was waiting for her to bring him to me. And I am sitting there in my car wanting to weep with unhappiness because I can't cope with all the tiny bullshit that you have to wade through day after day. And I was upset because I am upset by all of the stupid little shit that you are supposed to let roll off your back. It isn't rolling off me. It is sticking and building up and making me crazy.

I guess it would be easy to say this is all hormones and disappointment and I will feel better soon. And I hope it is. I am ready to be myself again and not flying off the handle and yelling at the guy at the post office for bureaucratic bullshit he couldn't help.

Floods suck

I'm a little sad tonight. I have managed, for the most part, to go about having a normal life for the last two weeks. Working, taking care of Jackson, normal stuff and keeping busy. But in quiet moments, I am still sad and disappointed that I lost the baby and I wonder how long it will take before it doesn't hurt anymore.

My pants fit tightly from the 4ish pounds I gained in two 1/2 months of being pregnant. Doesn't sound like much but its all in my belly and is enough to make me uncomfortable in my clothes. They don't fit well and I feel self-conscious about it.I feel like I look pregnant, but I am not anymore. I was just on the verge of buying some bigger pants when I lost the baby. Now I refuse to. Now I just need my hormones to go back to normal so I don't feel so bloated and I need to eat better and lose it. I want it to happen overnight, but things don't work that way, I know. Weight gain for nothing really sucks.

We had a water emergency at my house today. The pipe that connects the water line to the toilet burst and flooded my bathroom, closet, part of my bedroom, a hallway and seeped under the walls into my kitchen. It couldn't have been running for long before it was discovered, but it ran long enough to cause us to spend almost the whole day in water clean-up. I am grateful it was clean water and not sewage or something, and that we were home to catch it before it flooded the entire house.

My sister has taken Jackson for a few days. She is taking him with her boys to see my Dad in Santa Anna. My brother's girls will be there too so Jackson will have the opportunity to play with all his cousins. I know he will have a good time. He was playing with Cam and Eli and could barely be bothered to say goodbye to his Dad and me. He will be back on Wednesday and I will miss him. But it will give us time to finish cleaning up and drying out the house.