Saturday, October 11, 2008

October Anti-med thoughts

Last night Jackson came climbing into our bed at about 2 am, same as he usually does. Instead of a nice clear space in the bed between me and his daddy though, he found David in the area, blocking 'Jackson's' spot. He exclaimed quite loudly for 2 in the morning, "Daddy, you're sleeping in my way!"

I am tired of all things medical. I want to get my port out asap. I don't want to go in next week to get it flushed. If fact, I probably won't. I got a letter in the mail that the cancer center has moved. Left Georgetown Hospital. Guess they got a better deal with Seton - the new one about 5 miles from my house. I haven't been there yet. I am sure it is really nice, but I have been planning my visits on Jackson's school days. I drop Jackson off in Georgetown and go to the appointment and then to Georgetown. So now I will have to drive to Georgetown to take Jackson to school, back to Round Rock for my Appt and then back to Georgetown to work.

So I may have to change my habits, do it on a non-school day and take Jackson with me or get child-care. That is fine, but it adds to my distaste for any unnecessary visits. Like port flushes. I haven't used this port since December, but faithfully every month I go in, suffer the uncomfortable and sometimes painful access and flush. And I pay for that service, not much, but it isn't free. And I just want the thing out. I feel it in there floating around, hanging out there reminding me of my past need of it. It mocks me. (It doesn't really mock me, I just really wanted to say that.) I tried to call the office this week to see what I have to do to schedule its removal, but with the move came a new number and I keep forgetting to find the letter they sent and change their number in my phone.

I also don't want to have scans any more. At least not every three months. I am just tired of living like a fragile sick person every day, keeping a calendar of appointments, exposing myself to more radiation. Cancer will always be there, hanging over my head and maybe it will come back and maybe it won't. But I am sick to death of thinking about it and living life with my eyes always on my next scan, waiting for it to proclaim me well for another day.

Both Dr. George and the doc from the Planet Cancer retreat indicated to me that if this cancer comes back we will know it without a scan. I will have symptoms and my blood work will show something. Then a scan can confirm.

So out, out damned port. And back off on the scans.

I got off the headache meds again. I can't be on them if I want to have another baby. Headache doctor says so and so does the lady parts doctor. I can't be on them. So in my current mood of 'screw all things medical' I quit taking them. Again.

And I lost 3 pounds in under two weeks. I suspected they had a hand in my inability to kick the last five or six chemo-pounds as that is a side effect I have read about. And this proves it for me. So I don't really want to get back on them. But the headache and dizziness are back too. I have been sitting here googling migraine associated vertigo and treatment options and there are other meds. But they are all category C or D for pregnancy. Not good. I get some relief with antihistamines, but am finding conflicting information on whether Allegra is ok or not. I can't just be dizzy and in pain all the time. But I have been told that most women don't have migraine problems while they are pregnant.

Course we don't know if I can actually get pregnant and when/if that will happen. I just gotta get myself to a point that I am not taking harmful meds to hamper the process. So I am going to kick the nortryptaline habit if it kills me.

Ha ha, I am laughing now because I realize cancer survivors shouldn't use stock terms like "sick to death of" and "if it kills me." But I think it's funny. Reminds me of a discussion we had at the Planet Cancer Retreat. We all sat around talking about all the dufus things non-cancer people say sometimes. And we all seemed to experience some version of people thinking we are not entitled to complain about petty problems. Like "You shouldn't worry about things like that, you should just be grateful you are still alive." Really? I should? Thanks so much, you have put my life into perspective for me. I won't worry about life's problems at all any more since I am just damned lucky to be here.

I guess I shouldn't. I guess they have a point. A small one.

1 comment:

Ronni said...

I think you've earned the right to worry about whatever you damned well please!

I'm with you on losing the plastic thingy, though.

I love your new hairdo, by the way...