Much Better

It is amazing how much better I feel today just from not having to take 5 tablets of Prednisone first thing in the morning. My body doesn't feel so full and tight, like my insides are too much for my skin to hold in. Much less puffy, already. It may be mental, at least partly, but whatever it is, it's welcome.

My bones have started hurting right on schedule, but that is almost comforting. Predictability is comforting. I got chemo on Thursday instead of Tuesday so I expected the bone pain after lunch today instead of Monday. And right on schedule, it has arrived. But with the mental relief of no handful of steroids this morning, I am good. My Dad called it earlier this week. He said we both deal really well with physical pain, it's the mental crap and the out of control crap we can't abide. And he is right. I know that the next few days will be full of bone pain, but I am ok with that. I prefer it to the last week of the emotional roller coaster of chemo and Prednisone.

I am beginning to feel my positive attitude returning. This is becoming more emotionally difficult than I thought it would be. Being sick and focused on that and so out of control for so many weeks has taken a toll. I am tired of it. But giving myself permission to be tired of it helps. Who wouldn't be tired of this? My life has been taken out of my control and put on hold for this awful medical treatment than no one in their right mind would enjoy and I am beating myself up for getting a little down? It is laughable. And today, coming out of the haze of round four of chemo-hell, I am feeling able to chuckle at the madness a little bit.

And about the amazing fluff of whatever it is growing on my head. Sprouts of a hair-like substance. Almost colorless. Soft. Dare I say gross? I don't like the look or the feel of it. But it is interesting. My head is growing something during chemo treatments. It is not giving up, not giving in to it. Determined to sprout some kind of covering as fall and winter approach us. I can't say it is attractive. But it is something.