It is late. Well, early. After midnight. I was in bed, but got up. Not able to fall asleep. Too much on my mind. I am nervous; anxious about this round of chemo. I don't know why. I have done it three times already. I should be a pro. But I guess the first night of the last round was so awful that I am scared of this one. Plus I lost a few days to foggy-chemo-druggy-amnesia. And I didn't like it one bit. So I am nervous with a queasy stomach tonight. Figured I'd get up and write a little bit, get it out of my system so I can go to sleep.
I really, really, don't want to go take chemo tomorrow. I am worried that though the Phenergan has done nothing for my nausea, it possibly kept me from throwing up for hours and if I don't take it that is what will happen. I worry about my weird body chemistry that reacts oddly to drugs and I worry about trying a drug I have not used before. What if its side effects are worse than the Phenergan? Sigh. I am just in worry mode. I know that I am ultimately going to be just fine. But I want to skip awful-chemo night this time. I am ready to be done.
I know that I really have so little to complain about. I was talking to my Mom about it today. How I feel that, compared to so many other stories I have heard, what I have is Cancer Lite. Three weeks between treatments, not every day for 10 days then a week off, repeat. Six total. Maybe no radiation. Most likely a cure. A neat little package, really. I have been keeping up with the website of a lady in Austin who is not so lucky. Breast cancer metastasized to the point where chemo will merely extend her life a bit and she has said no thanks to it after 20 days in Seton Hospital taking radiation. She has a three-year-old daughter. She isn't quite 40 years old. And her positive attitude and peaceful demeanor are quite something to behold. I have so little to complain about.
So let's take stock. What has Cancer done TO me so far? I lost my hair. My fingers are numb. I have spent 8 months of my life feeling sick and about 11 weeks so far feeling awful from chemo. It has cost my family money and will continue to do so. Jackson will have to wait a few years for a sibling, or perhaps he may be an only child if I lose my fertility. So many needle sticks, so many do-overs.
And what has Cancer done FOR me so far? I lost my hair and surprisingly lived through it. My fingers have never typed so much that has been read by so many. I spent months feeling sick and now have days that I feel great. My family and friends have come through with money, support, company, and lots and lots of food. Jackson has hardly even noticed I have been sick. Needles don't scare me anymore and I have the scars to prove it.
I have a fine fuzz growing back on my head now. It isn't quite brown, but it isn't blond either. Not really sure what you would call it or if it will fall out too. My eyebrows are fighting the good fight. They are thinning out for sure, but they aren't gone yet. Same with the eyelashes. I should probably stop using mascara if they are getting fragile, but I can't help slathering it on anyway. I love the dramatic bald-with-big-eyes look, don't you?
Three more rounds. Not that many. I will feel better after tomorrow, I think. Well, technically I will feel worse, heh. But better mentally, having conquered the chemo-hump I am facing. Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more...