The Marshalogues

Two months as a family of four.

2010-11-27T21:44:00.000-06:00

Wiley is two months old now and is as good a baby as I have ever met. He sleeps. A lot. In bed at 7p. Doesn't wake up at night most of the time. Up at 7 am. Naptime by 9 am til 11ish. Afternoon nap between 1 and 2. He is awake maybe 6 or 7 hours a day. That is all. And when he is up, he is pretty calm and happy. Doesn't like wet diapers. Wants to eat a lot. Gets cranky if you try to keep him awake. So long as he gets put into his bed when he is tired - about two hours after the last sleep - he is content.

Wiley is a sweetie. He is very different from Jackson, who is a spitfire ball of energy. Even as a baby he was intense and high maintenance. Wiley is opposite. I often have to go in and wake him in the morning or from a nap because he has been in there for hours without crying out. And I'll find him in there looking around, sucking his thumb and enjoying his own calm company. Perhaps the waking world is too loud for him. Perhaps he is avoiding the overwhelming attention of his 5-year-old brother who loves him to distraction. I don't know. He slept almost all day on Thanksgiving. Of course I had 18 people at my house including 4 children enjoying each others company. So it was loud and chaotic and maybe Wiley just prefers his quiet room to being amidst it all. He is perfectly engaging when it is just me and him in the mornings. But if you come over, he may just decide to hide out in his crib and sleep till you decide to go home. Or maybe he'll stay up so you can see him. But I can't promise.

Also I want to share these photos that I took today. David and I took the boys for a walk around the neighborhood and Wiley decided he didn't want to ride in the stroller anymore. So David carried him wrapped in his jacket. I love these pics. You can really see David's calm personality mirrored in his two-month old son. So freaking sweet I can't stand it. I love my boys so much.

Here is a couple of Jackson trying his best not to make a doofy camera face. We are working on this because I have so few pictures from the last year or so when he isn't making a doofy camera face. He sees a camera and his face automatically assumes "cheese" face, which makes me laugh like crazy, but leaves me with picture after picture of him that doesn't capture his sweet face as it is in reality. But I do have enough of these for a doofy-face album to embarrass him with when he is older.

Wiley

2010-09-30T22:11:00.000-05:00

Wiley is 6 days old and is such a sweet baby. Very chill. Barely cries. Sleeps a lot. Just a joy. He is a cuddler. When you pick him up, he fits himself into the curve of your body and just snuggles. I have decided that he is little David. Jackson is little me, Wiley seems to be taking after his Dad. I am really enjoying him. As precious as my Jackson is, he was not a cuddly baby. Too much physical stimulation made him crazy and restless. He wouldn't sleep on you, didn't want to be rocked. He didn't want to be held til he learned what affection was all about in his second year. Wiley is a snuggler.

I may write more about the c section when I have more energy. I'll just say that it went as well as it was supposed to but was not a fun experience for a person who is terrified when out of control. You can't get more out of control than submitting to surgery while awake. But it was a perfectly executed procedure resulting in a healthy, safely-birthed baby boy.

Don't know why this pic won't turn the right way : )

His cord was double-knotted like a pretzel. Not dangerous, not tight, but my doc says he sees maybe one in a hundred babies with one knot and has never seen two. I thought that was interesting. The doc was able to hold off cutting the cord for a full minute so Wiley got a good dose of his stem cells and that meant a lot to me. He came out crying and sounding so loud and healthy, there was no doubt he was ready to be born. He was a full 8 pounds at 39 weeks. A full pound larger than Jackson was at 41 weeks 2 days.

We had a few set-backs in the hospital that lead to a 4-night stay. First, Wiley was born tongue-tied, which means he couldn't stick his tongue out very far. Which means his latch while nursing was very shallow and he couldn't get enough to eat and made me very sore. The tongue is very, very important to breastfeeding. So he couldn't do it very well and he lost a good amount of weight. He got down to 7 pounds 1 oz and his bilirubin was high so he was getting pretty jaundiced. They asked me to supplement with formula (oh horror for a breastfeeding mom!) so I did a supplemental nursing system by which I taped a tube to myself and he got formula while also latched to the breast and getting what milk he could from me. He perked up pretty quickly and gained enough that they let us go on Tuesday AM.

Wednesday morning we saw an ENT who fixed Wiley's tongue-tie with a super-quick frenulectomy which immediately fixed his latch. He is now able to get all the milk he wants from me and is busily nursing as much as he can and gaining weight. At the pedi today he was 7 lbs 10 oz, so he is doing great.

We are getting decent sleep for having a newborn in the house. My sister was here for a couple of nights and she helped out a lot. But this baby is so chill and mellow. I am suspicious of how easy he has been - besides the whole breech thing, failed version, c section and tied tongue...hmmm.

We have had friends bring by food for a few days so we have been well-supplied and cared for. My pain has been decently controlled. I have some weird numbness, pain and tingling in the area of my incision that is uncomfortable and disconcerting. I feel like I have a lot of healing to do in there. I'm swollen and sensitive and need to keep taking it easy. I've lost 20 pounds already and feel pretty good about it. Have about 15 pounds to get back to where I was before. Seems like a lot, but I am not going to freak out about it. I'm going to try to be as laid back as Wiley. He just takes it all in stride and is always happy to get another shot at the boob. (See, he does take after his dad :)

Big Day

2010-09-24T06:45:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I guess this is it. Jackson came into my room about 5:45 wanting to know if it was time to get up yet. I let him crawl in with me for half an hour. So that was nice to hold him for a while and give him some attention this morning before I will be gone for a few days and come home with a new baby.

I'm nervous. I guess I shouldn't be. I've been through lots of medical procedures; cancer and chemotherapy that both almost killed me. This should be a piece of cake, right? Hell, other women keep telling me that it is easier than actual labor and delivery. Course I am the freak that enjoyed the endurance test of a midwife birth without drugs. I never really wanted to be spared from the pain of labor and delivery. I always wanted to be spared the creepy factor of a needle in my spinal area. Shiver. But here we are.

Here comes David. The entire family is up now. Gotta get Jackson ready for school in a few minutes then shower and get ready to go to the hospital. Bags are packed, I am taking way too much I am sure. And I wish I had another nursing gown. I have several two-piece jammy sets, but I didn't count on a section and wonder if I am not going to want to wear pants with the incision. But I guess that is what hospital gowns are for.

Ok, I am going to focus on the excitement of meeting this baby and try to forget about my nerves about surgery. Thank you to everyone who has been sending me good thoughts and wishes over email and facebook. I think the hospital has Wifi, so I should be able to post something while I am there. And I am sure David will post on Facebook in near real-time as the baby makes his debut.

Two Days til Baby!

2010-09-22T22:10:00.000-05:00

I am scheduled for a section on Friday at 11 am. Baby is not interested in turning over, in fact he is often lying diagonally. So we have to go in after him. I am excited and anxious and nervous. I am not really excited about being cut open while I am awake and numb. But I am more than ready to have this boy.

I've been off work since Thursday last week. And I've been doing some serious last ditch nesting and retail therapy. Redecorated a bathroom. Rearranged my bedroom to create a nursing station. Tried to keep the house clean and laundry under control and tried to nap every day. I have one more full day left. I need to hit the grocery store and might possibly get my toes done since they are in sad shape and I can't reach them at all to fix them.

At my doctor visit today there was a lady in the lobby waiting for her 2 week postpartum check-up. She had her new baby boy with her and he was the perfect little tree-frog baby. My fingers were itching to hold him . I can't wait to get this boy on the outside so I can cuddle him.

I just hope my post surgical pain doesn't make it too hard to move around.

Man this is so different from last time.

I went to the hospital today to do paperwork and get some lab work done so I don't have to do it all on Friday morning.

I asked my doctor about the few things that are important to me to see if I can have at least a couple of things my way even though I can't deliver naturally. It means a lot to me to not have the baby's cord clamped and cut immediately. With a section, I feared there was no way around it. But I decided to ask anyway. See if the doc could maybe just give the baby a minute or two to start breathing on his own, suction him before cutting the cord. Let him get some of his own cord blood before being cut off. To my surprise and pleasure, my doc agreed that unless I am bleeding too much and/or the baby is in distress there is no reason he can't delay clamping and cutting the cord for a minute. So that makes me happy. I understand that I will be open on the table and there is risk of infection, but people have 12 hour heart surgeries. I will assume the risk of a couple more minutes if that means my son gets his cord blood.

The other thing is not as big a deal. But I don't want them to put the antibiotic ointment in his eyes before I get to see him. I know they are going to want to do all the little things they insist on doing to brand spanking new babies while I am being sewn up in the OR. But I do not want the first time he and I get to look at each other to be blurred by goop in his eyes. They can wait to do that, if they really need to do it at all, until he and I get some time together. My doc says that is fine too. I just have to be very vocal and remind him about not cutting the cord and make sure David, who will go with the baby, keeps them from putting the ointment in his eyes. He is also supposed to make sure that I get the baby in my arms at the first possible moment.

So yeah, I am having some control issues to deal with. I am going to be strapped to a table and can't control every aspect of the delivery and have to let the baby leave my side. I have to submit. But I don't have to like it, and I know enough to be the annoying squeaky wheel to have some of the important things my way. And I have a doctor that I trust to carry out my wishes as long as it is safe to do so. I guess that is all I can control.

Aversion to a version

2010-09-09T21:28:00.000-05:00

No dice on the version. Baby likes where he is and isn't interested in turning over. We only managed to aggravate him and make me sore. But I am not really sorry we tried. I am resigned to having a section unless he turns over on his own, which is very, very unlikely.

So the version. I'd heard it described as uncomfortable to excruciating. I'd say it was somewhere in between. Painful, but I've had worse - bone pain during chemo could kick external version pain's ass. Heh, it kicks labor and delivery's ass, as I have said before. Childbirth is nothing, I have been through chemo. I doubt c-section recovery can touch neulasta bone pain. But I'll let you know.

We checked in to the hospital at about 7:30 and I filled out paperwork and answered a billion questions that had nothing to do with my version or even having the baby. Do I live in a house or an apartment? Ok. Let's waste an hour on demographics. Whatever. They put me on the monitor to get a baseline reading on the baby. The infamous monitor. I have seen and heard much about the electronic fetal monitor. It is one of the many reasons I avoided delivering my first child in the hospital. And it was everything I expected it to be. Two transducers, two belts velcroed to your bare belly sending readings every second to the computer. Itchy and uncomfortable and limiting your movement, I can see why it would be so damned difficult to labor without drugs while hooked up to these things.

In the birthing center, the midwives take fetal heart tones every half hour as required by regulation just like they do in the hospital. Except they come to you wherever you happen to be laboring - the tub, the birthing ball, walking around - and they place a hand-held doppler to your belly, listen to tones and then chart it. The technology doesn't interfere with your ability to move and actively manage your labor pain. I can see how hard it would be to lay in the bed strapped to the monitor and cope with labor. I guess that is one good thing about me having a section - I guess I don't have to attempt to do just that.

When my doc came in he did an ultrasound to determine that the baby is indeed still breech. Then he fetched his little brother, which I didn't expect. They are in practice together, both OB's and apparently they do versions as a team. And what a team they were. They are both very upbeat, jolly dudes. I like them a lot. They just seem to love what they do and do it with joy and humor. So in comes my doc's little brother, John and they start discussing who is going after the 'booty' and who will go for the head. And together they pressed and pushed and tried their best to lift baby's butt and guide his head around. his head would move pretty well, but they couldn't get his heiney to come up. After two tries, they decided to give me a shot of terbutaline to relax my uterus and give it one more try. Terbutaline felt like taking about 6 puffs of my asthma inhaler. Speedy heart rate, shaky, a bit high. Then they tried one more time to the same effect. Nope. Not going. It was time to let it go.

They put me back on the monitor to make sure that the baby was still doing well and once they got a reassuring reading they sent me home, very tired and drained, but glad to be done. I wish he had turned, but none of us were willing to keep pushing the issue when it wasn't working.

So two weeks from now, unless he turns on his own, we will have to have a section. Not really what I want to do. But I am not in control here, and I can't dictate this. I can only educate myself and ask questions and make requests that seem to be in my and the baby's best interest. Such as, I want to nurse this baby in the recovery room as soon as possible.

The thought of being numb, but aware while being cut open gives me the heeby-jeebies. I have had a lot of procedures done in my time, but I usually can rely on the fentanyl/versed cocktail to render the experience surreal and not so scary. But in this case, that is not in the best interests of the baby. So I need to be aware and with it and it seems pretty scary to me. David is pretty apprehensive about being there too. I'm sure we'll get through it fine, so many people do.

I just have to get through two more weeks of being uncomfortably pregnant. I'm pretty sore tonight from the version attempt, but Tylenol helped a bit and it should be better tomorrow.

And I have to deal with my dear, sweet kindergartner as well. Times are sure changing. My boy isn't with me every day. I feel a sense of loss right now because I feel like he has passed out of my control into a totally different realm that I can't really know all about. I don't know what he does all day. I have to rely on the daily interrogation of a child who can't really tell me what I want to know. He can't answer "Are you secure in your surroundings?" "Are you getting what you need from the teacher?" I feel like he has been torn from me a little. He is now spending more time with the state than he is with me. I know all the working moms with daycare kids are now irritated with my whining, since their kids have been doing that all along. But I can't help that this is hard on me.

And I feel like his behavior is a little different. He seems a little more worldly already, a little less likely to listen to me, he's a little more irritable and emotional. Just seems a little resentful. I could be imagining it. Or more likely it is because I am getting him back tired after a full day and I have missed his good moods. I guess evenings before dinner have always been cranky times but before I had him much more of the day and had the better times to even it out. I dunno.

Also I have been giving him antihistamines to combat the itchy, runny and stuffy nose he has had for weeks. And reading around online has led me to message boards populated by parents complaining that claritin and zyrtec turned their sweet children into emotional, aggressive monsters. Could this be a culprit? Could I be dosing him with something that is making the transition to full day, all week kindergarten harder on him?

Why is parenting so damned hard? I am trying to stop his nose from itching all the time. He continually licks his palm and rubs his nose with it because it itches, making it red and raw by the end of every day. So I try to medicate him and put cream on his nose at night and in the morning it is much better only to be red again when I pick him up from school. I can't be there to put ointment on it 3 or 4 times a day and it must just itch all the time. Thus the claritin - which hasn't really worked.

So I tried the zyrtec but it has a worse reputation for behavioral issues and depression, but a better track record on allergies. Seemed to help his nose, but I gave it to him at bedtime and the next day at school, he got his first 'bad' incident on his daily chart. And when I picked him up he had a complete breakdown because he left his water bottle in the classroom and it was locked in there. Could be a coincidence, but I feel incredibly guilty if the medicine is making it harder for him to deal with his emotions. But the question remains, what can I do about his nose if the meds either don't work or make him a wreck? I'm not going to keep giving them to him, but I don't want him to suffer all the time with an itchy, runny nose.

So much to think about. New baby, c-sections, my little boy becoming more worldly and not so attached physically to him mommy. Geez. And cankles.

And my car that has been giving me problems. It is at the shop - probably going to get a new battery. But that means I probably can't work tomorrow and have to figure out how to retrieve Jackson from school again. Blegh. A margarita sure would be nice right about now.

Turn, baby, turn.

2010-09-08T23:22:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow at 7 am we are going to the hospital to try to turn this baby. After visiting with the doc on Tuesday, we decided to give it a shot. He made it sound pretty easy. He says that in his experience, the baby either turns easily or he doesn't and we stop. He doesn't try to force him to move if he doesn't just easily go, thus lessening the risk and the percieved violence of the procedure. So we felt it would be ok to try. So we'll see how it goes. There is the slight chance that it could break my water or something so I'll take my bags with me just in case we end up birthing him tomorrow. Probably won't happen, but it is possible. I am not getting my hopes up that the baby will turn, I am just going to go in and try to relax, let the doc try and see what happens. It is pretty much a 50/50 chance of him actually turning over. But if he does then I can avoid a c-section. And if not I can feel that I at least tried.

I just got home from the Palace. I went in after dinner to do some work on the next playbill which is due next week. I have a hard time leaving things hanging. I wish I could be finished with it now but I did at least get the pages set and planned out and figured out what pieces are still needed. So if I can't go back to work, Sonja can see exactly where we stand on it. I didn't go in during the day today. Went to leave and my car wouldn't start. Battery issue. This afternoon I called roadside assistance to come jump me so I could go get Jackson from school. It worked and the car is running fine now. Maybe I left the door cracked with the light on or something. I hope that is all it is. But it meant I didn't get playbill work done today and felt the need to go in tonight.

So now I am tired. And ready for bed. Which is good since I have to get up early to have the version attempted. Just hope I manage to sleep tonight and not lay awake thinking. I always get hungry when I do that and I can't eat anything after midnight.

Man, I can't compose a proper sentence right now. All these little choppy ones. Guess you can tell I am tired.

Ready now...

2010-09-06T20:09:00.000-05:00

I am so ready to have this baby. Physically I feel at my limit and I have potentially 3 or 4 weeks to go! I can't imagine being this uncomfortable for another month. The previous statement could probably be repeated verbatim for nearly every woman this close to her due day, I am sure. I don't remember being quite this miserable with Jackson, but I remember it being hard. And he was 8 days past my due date and I know I was really ready for him to be born. But 5 years ago I was walking around the neighborhood in the evenings trying to get things going and doing exercises and things. And I don't remember it being this hard to accomplish daily tasks. Like picking things up off the floor. I don't remember feeling so limited in what I could and couldn't do. Maybe I have just forgotten. Or maybe I am 5 years older. And have had cancer. And have a baby sitting breech, which means he is all up in my diaphragm making most movement difficult, whereas I carried Jackson very low, which was heavy, but didn't really interfere with my breathing, picking things up, or cause the awesome nightly heartburn.

Whatever it is, I am ready to have this baby now. And if he wants to come a few weeks early and not be an 8 1/2 pound giant baby that would be fine with me. As long as he is physically ready, that is. Pretty sure he is big enough. Just want his lungs and such to be ready too. Course I was on steroids for a few days so I bet he is ready too. Heh, if he were head down as he should be, all these braxton hix contractions could be putting me into labor anytime now. But without the pressure of his head down there helping things progress, I wonder if natural labor will take a while to happen. Sigh.

I have an appt with the OB tomorrow morning. We'll discuss trying to turn him from breech, but unless the doc is seriously gung-ho and confident and expresses it is a no-brainer and a piece of cake, we are leaning toward not attempting it. We just kind of feel like it might be too stressful on the baby and on me and that perhaps we ought to just leave him alone. He may still turn on his own. Or not. But we'll deal with that as it comes. I just have these awful visions of wrapping the cord around him weirdly or causing the placenta to tear. I dunno. I guess I'll talk to the doc about it tomorrow. But I just feel a little unsure about the risks. Guess I'll see what answers tomorrow brings.

And I know that no matter what kind of birth experience this turns out to be, I will always have the precious memories of Jackson's birth, when I had pretty much everything my way. The birthing center was so calm and private. And the midwives supported me without any feelings of me being the odd one who didn't want pain medications. Jackson was born in a gorgeous Victorian room on an antique queen-sized sleigh bed with my mom and husband on the bed with me. Andrea was there and when Jackson was born, he was placed on my chest and we met him and held him without cutting the cord immediately. I don't think they even weighed him for an hour or so. And we all went home 6 hours later. It was awesome. And I have such a sense of accomplishment from the experience, like I imagine marathon runners must feel. It was a test of endurance and though it was very hard, it was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

I'll be at the hospital this time. My situation is different now. And if I am able to have a low-intervention birth once again, I will be very grateful. I know there are some serious pros and cons to delivering in the hospital. And I am trying to focus on the pros. Such as staying a few days. It was very nice to come home to my bed after Jackson was born, but the problem with that is that we were all still on the clock. My mom rubbed my back for 12 hours of labor and now we were home and still needed care. Staying in the hospital means that my caregivers can go home and crash afterwards. And I also won't have to fight my natural inclination against bed rest. At home, I was up doing things when I should have been in bed resting. A hospital stay will force me to rest at least for a day. More if I end up having a section.

We are really getting down to the wire now. My misery aside, this baby will be born in a matter of weeks if not sooner. If my feet don't pop from all the edema, I will make it through with too much groaning and complaining to suit my husband. And much crankiness. I am definitely cranky. Poor David and Jackson.

Pharmaceuticals and huge breech babies

2010-09-01T21:06:00.000-05:00

I had an appointment with the perinatologist today and discovered that this baby is breech. Still. Or again. Cause I swear he turned and was riding low for a week or two. But he is definitely all up in my ribs again. Estimated to be about 6 1/2 pounds now at 36 weeks. Still measuring a week older - 37 weeks and they estimate him to be around 8 1/2 pounds if I go a full 40 weeks by dates. That is fricken crazy. That sounds huge to me. Jackson was 7 pounds and he was a week late. This is a huge baby! I can't imagine birthing such a big baby.

Course if he doesn't turn over I'll have to have a c-section.

So it is just about decision time about whether we want to try to manually turn him over. On Tuesday I see my regular OB and we'll discuss whether to attempt a version or not. It would be done in the hospital because there are risks involved and they would need to be ready to do a section if something went wrong - like the placenta tearing away or the baby not liking it and going into distress and other complications all of which are reportedly pretty rare. I understand having it done is either mildly uncomfortable or really painful, depending upon who you ask. And the chances of success are 50 to 60 percent. And there is also the chance that if he does turn over and I go home that he turns his little heiney right back breech because that is just the way he wants to be.

Course if successful and he stays head down, then I avoid major abdominal surgery. So I don't know what to decide. My friend Google says that a lot of women who have it done are bruised and sore afterwards and the ones who were successful say it was hard but worth it and the ones who were unsuccessful say it was painful and hard and they wish they hadn't bothered trying. If any of you out there have had a version and want to share the experience, go for it.

Blech. So I dunno what to decide. I'll talk to the doc on Tuesday and see what he says. I'd sure like to avoid a c-section. But not sure if the external version is the right thing either. Hey, I know. Maybe this baby should just turn his little ass over all on his own. That would work too, right?

So the perinatologist isn't happy about my coughing and wheezing either. I have been on the Augmentin for 7 days and the prednisone for three. He says they would have worked by now if they were going to. So I can stop them both and he is switching me to azythromicin to see if that will help. So third antibiotic trial begins tonight.

He also sent me for a chest x-ray. He says that pregnant women make internal medicine docs like my pulmonologist very nervous. And that he has absolutely no problem ordering a shielded x-ray on me to take a look. Said it would take 100 x-rays to give enough radiation to affect the baby. And that at his gestational age, they x-ray babies at birth all the time without a problem. So I did the x-ray this afternoon and they already reported that it looks fine. No evidence that the lymphoma is coming back. Just have some resistant gunk in there that may just take some time to clear up. So that is good news. Sort of. It doesn't fix my cough, but at least we know now that it isn't the cancer recurring.

So the folks at the pharmacy are getting to know me by sight now after our summer of pharmaceuticals. Between me and Jackson we are buying out the place.

Prednisone & A Showered Baby

2010-08-30T21:34:00.000-05:00

I started the prednisone today since my breathing hasn't been much better. And the good news is that it definitely helps my breathing. The bad news is that the side effects are no fun. Shakiness, the jitters, muddy thinking, tripping over my words...feels like I am on drugs. Cause I am. I have to take it in the morning so the worst of the effects wear off before bedtime. And they have. Leaving me ready to sleep, for sure. And hopefully I will be able to breath better tonight leading to better sleep. I only take it for 5 days. I just hope that when I am done with it my cough doesn't just come back and leave my breathing the same as before. We'll just have to see. I just can't imagine trying to labor with a spasmadic cough and crappy breathing. Blah.

The ladies at the Palace threw a baby shower for me on Saturday and I now have just about everything this baby needs and more. I was almost embarrased by the amount of love and presents that were showered on us. Several ladies even brought a few presents for Jackson. We are lucky people. Some people in the world are dealing with devastation, famine and flooding. We are surrounded by people who love us and even if my health is not exactly perfect, we are in good hands and in good shape to bring another baby into our lives.

So bring it on. I'll even take the prednisone if it will help.

Kindergarten has begun

2010-08-25T20:32:00.000-05:00

Jackson is now a Kindergartner. He has a backpack and sorta knows where his classroom is and seems to be doing pretty well. Except he really seriously doesn't care for the whole getting out of bed and immediately getting dressed and ready and leaving the house. He was in tears this morning, not because he doesn't like school, but because he is used to getting up, spending and hour or so leisurely curled up in a blanket watching his cartoons, having breakfast, maybe a bath then heading to pre-school. He kept saying this morning, "It's not time to brush teeth, it isn't tiiiiiimmmmmeee!" And I totally agree. I would rather school started at 8:30 or 9 instead of 7:45. But it doesn't so he has to get up, get ready and get out the door. Morning cartoons are now a weekend thing.

His teacher just called to say that he was doing well and that he got two orange stars today. According to the handout on the rules we got, that means he set a good example for others. We asked him what he did to earn the stars and he doesn't remember. But at least we know he is doing ok.

He did have a pretty decent breakdown this evening. I think he is starting to understand that he isn't going to be spending nearly as much time with me anymore. Not going to the Palace, not spending half the day at home with me several days a week. He curled up on my (non-existent) lap and started to cry. He said he wanted to live with me forever and he didn't want to move out when he is a grown-up. We have talked in the past about how when you are a grown-up, you go and live in your own house with your own family. Well, he decided tonight he wasn't ever moving out and that if he did, I would have to come with him. He needed all kind of reassurance that I would still hold him and give him love forever. I totally lied and told him he could live with me forever. He can't. He has to move out when he is a grown up, but by then he will want to. I hope...

A blurry wave goodbye

I tried really hard not to tell him that I would be here with him forever. Cause you just can't promise that. But it is really hard not to lie and say it when your child is crying in your arms. Shit, besides just being human and sorta likely to keel over at some point, I am a cancer survivor and about to have a baby. I can't promise to be here next week, let alone 30 years or more. I told him that as long as I had the power to do so, I would be with him and hold him and love him. I guess I have seen too many Hallmark movies where a parent dies and a little kid reacts with anger saying "Daddy said he'd never leave me. He lied to me!" Probably doesn't make a difference, he heard what he wanted to hear, I am sure and not what I actually said. But I tried.

I went to the pulmonologist today to see about this cough that I have had for about a month. I am about 35 weeks pregnant now and I really don't need to be hacking and coughing while I am trying to deliver a baby. I need air to labor, I think. I wish I could get a chest x-ray or scan of some kind. But this doc isn't comfortable doing anything while I am pregnant. I've been on amoxicillin since Saturday because Jackson had strep throat and I was having symptoms. The doc was going to suggest just that, but since I've been on it for five days and it hasn't done anything, he is putting me on Augmentin, a stronger antibiotic.

He also wants me to take prednisone for five days. This makes me very uneasy. Prednisone is a steroid and was one of the drugs I was on during chemo. I have bad memories of prednisone. Ravenous hunger, extreme moodiness, weight gain, bloating, jitteriness, pounding heart-beat, etc. This would be a much, much smaller dose and only for five days. But the idea still scares me. I filled the prescription, but I am not going to take it until I hear from my OB. I called his office to ask his advice, but didn't get a call back today. I need to know if this is going to cause gigantobaby that I can't birth. Is it going to affect him somehow and make me gain ten more pounds?

So I am going to start the augmentin tonight and hope that it helps my cough.

Five more weeks. I don't think I am going to make it five more weeks. Though I thought the same with Jackson and he was 8 days late. So maybe I can. It just seems like an eternity. Five weeks. Man.

Kindergarten and baby countdown

2010-08-18T22:47:00.000-05:00

Jackson starts kindergarten in a week and I am so nervous. It is such a big change for the two of us. He will be at school all day five days a week. No more 3 half-days a week and the rest of the time with me. I am starting to feel some separation anxiety here. My baby will be out of my control most of the day, 5 days a week. Breath, I can't breath...I think I need some Lamaze technique here...

Ok. I know we will both survive. I know so many kiddos who spend that much time and more in daycare from birth and they are just fine. So a 5-year-old should be able to handle kindergarten. Not sure his heavily pregnant hormonal mommy can handle it, but he should be fine, right?

Tomorrow evening is the elementary open house where we get to visit his classroom and meet his teacher. We'll take his (huge amount of) school supplies there so they don't have to deal with them first day of school. And I'll get his school lunch account set up with some money.

I found out his school is one of six in Round Rock ISD giving all kids free breakfast in their classrooms every morning. That is pretty awesome! I have no idea how that is being funded and if it is eventually going into all the schools, but I am glad Jackson will get that benefit.

I am getting rounder and feeling more ready to have this baby every day. 34 weeks now. 6 weeks to go. It sounds like an eternity to me with this heat and the ankle/foot swelling. I almost have the nursery ready. I am washing my cloth diapers right now and getting them ready to use for a second kiddo. I used cloth on Jackson for 10 or 11 months before they got too bulky to fit into his clothes and he got to physically combative during diapering to get them on him snugly. But I enjoyed using cloth for most of that time and am actually looking forward to doing it again. Just something about a clean, soft, cotton diaper. And washing them is really not such a big deal. When he gets bigger and graduates to the larger sizes I will probably invest in a different style of cloth diaper. They have several less bulky styles that go on faster than the pre-fold style I have now. I have several friends who used a different style and were able to use cloth all the way to potty training. So I am giving it another go and feeling happy about it.

We have a change-filled few months ahead of us in the Sray household. Jackson starts school and we are adding a family member. Starting over with a baby after 5 years. What were we thinking? Kidding. Sort of.

Jackson has been so excited about the baby since he learned about him. I know he is going to be a great big brother and will love him very much. But it isn't going to be easy. I think it has started to sink into his mind about how much attention the baby will be getting and how needy the baby will be. He has started to ask whether I'll love him (Jackson) the most and if he will still be my favorite boy. I've tried to deflect by saying that he will be my favorite big boy and his brother will be my favorite baby boy. But he isn't satisfied with that. He wants me to tell him I'll love him more than the baby. Tonight he was upset and crying a little at bedtime saying he didn't want me to help the baby more than him. And he didn't want his Omi to bring the baby presents instead of him. Poor guy is starting to get that though he really wants a baby in the house to play with, he doesn't want to actually share his mom with the baby. I don't know how to reassure him. Or even if it is possible. He's right. The baby will take a lot of attention and care. Jackson will have to be patient when he needs something and I am nursing the baby. He will have to share his mom and dad who he has had all too himself for five years. It will take some time to adjust, and I hope Jackson can love and enjoy his baby brother eventually.

Ooh, I hear the dryer singing to me. The diapers are ready...

Long time no see...

2010-07-30T21:44:00.000-05:00

Haven't felt like writing in a while. Has it really been since February?

Those who know me in real life know that I have a baby due in 8 or 9 weeks. I figured this was as good a time as any to start updating here as the countdown to baby begins.

Baby boy number 2, who is still nameless, is residing in a breech position causing much discomfort at this time (think 'kicks aimed at the crotch area', ouch). I would also really like him to turn over now to give my last weeks of this pregnancy some peace of mind. I know it is too dangerous to deliver a breech baby. But I sure don't want to have a C-section. I'll do what I have to do to have a safe birth, but be sure that I will be doing all the contortions I can find on the internet that claim to encourage breech babies to turn over.

Jackson is very excited about having a baby brother. He asks me almost daily when the baby will be here and he talks about the things he wants to show the baby and teach him. It is pretty sweet. I know there will be some jealousy when the reality of a needy, crying baby is living in the house where he has reigned as King for five years. But I really think he is going to love being a big brother.

I can't believe he is starting Kindergarten in a month. I am so nervous about it. It is such a helpless feeling - not knowing what to expect, sending him off to a big elementary school for the first time. Can he negotiate the cafeteria and keep track of a lunch account card on his own? What if he gets picked on for being small? Will he be smaller than everyone else? He has grown a lot this summer, but in May at his pre-school graduation he was the smallest child in either class. And he will be young, at 5 years and a month. I know he will be fine, I know.

But I am nervous and I am a person that likes to be in control. And I can't control this as I would like and I don't want to be one of those terribly annoying helicopter parents that teachers hate. And of course, being as pregnant as I will be when he starts in August, I simply won't be able to hover. I'll be busy being hugely pregnant in August in Texas. I assume that will make me a bloated, flip-flop wearing, uncomfortable, physically self-absorbed, crazy lady.

And I will most likely be focused on an attempt to control my labor and delivery experience. I had Jackson with midwives at a birthing center and I was so comfortable with my level of power to labor how I felt best with their help. They don't dictate like hospitals do. It is just such a calming experience to know that they are on the very same page with me and will help me deliver safely the way I want to. I was able to deliver Jackson without any pain medications or epidurals. I don't have a problem with pain, I have issues with the loss of control that comes with narcotics and epidurals. And like running a marathon, it left me with such a sense of personal accomplishment and satisfaction. Jackson's birth remains one of the most positive experiences of my life.

But after my miscarriage last summer and my experience with cancer, chemo and being helplessly sick, I have lost some of the trust that things will go exactly as they naturally should. And without that trust, I felt that delivering in a hospital was a safer choice. It has been painfully proven to me that my body is human and that bad things can and do happen to me. Some of my chemo drugs cause heart damage, and my right lung has enough diminished capacity that my breathing is noticeably affected by the extra blood volume, weight and stress of pregnancy. I can't be certain that something unexpected won't happen during labor that will require medical intervention. What if I can't breath? You can't push if you can't breath. So a hospital birth it is.

But I do remain apprehensive about a hospital delivery. So many rules and cover-your-ass regulations that effectively remove much of the autonomy of a laboring mom. Sigh. It is a trade-off, I guess. I have a good doctor who promises to stay out of my way as much as he can. And I have my mom and husband who know to be my voice in staving off any interventions that are not medically necessary. Of course all of this is academic if this baby boy won't turn over. So turn over already baby, I have a natural labor and delivery process planned, here, don't ruin it!

Smart Boy

2010-02-08T22:42:00.000-06:00

Jackson instinctively knows his dad is a dork and that the things his dad says are sometimes goofy. He just gets it.

As I was getting him into his pj's tonight he said, "I'm keeping my sockoos on." Then he stopped, looked a little embarrassed and said, "My daddy calls them sockoos." I laughed out loud. So did Jackson. Then he said, "Daddy also says underoos and pantalones, isn't that funny?"

Yes, son it is.

Let's see, some other Jackson bits of wisdom lately...

This weekend while David was at rehearsal, Jackson and I lazed around the house, him playing with his toys and I was reading a book on the couch. Jackson sighed loudly and proclaimed, "Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing, isn't it? I'm enjoying doing nothing."

He also understands his own emotions. The other night after several failed Lego building projects he was so mad and upset and started crying. David asked him what was wrong and he replied, "I'm upset because nothing is going my way. Nothing is working out the way I want it to."

I'm sure there is more. The child is continually talking, asking questions, demanding answers, making up jokes that make no sense and keeping my ears working overtime.

He is a gem and I can't imagine a more precious boy.

Snow!

2010-01-19T22:26:00.000-06:00

Over the New Year's holiday David, Jackson and I flew to Pennsylvania with my Dad to visit his mom and siblings and my cousins. It was Jackson's first flight on an airplane and he was seriously excited. I worried he would be restless on the 3-hour leg of our flight, but he did a really good job. Snacks and coloring supplies along with the window-seat helped keep him occupied. And he got very excited when he could look out the window and see the city below. "Look, we're on top of the world!" he would say.

It snowed heavily the entire three days we were there, which meant we didn't get to travel to my Uncles house as we had planned, but we luckily got to see many relatives at the New Year's Day party at my Aunt's house before the weather turned colder.

Jackson really took to the snow. It was 15 degrees outside and the snow was up to his knees in places, but he played outside an hour at a time, several times a day. David was a great sport and spent a lot of time playing in the snow with him. I spent a lot of time inside reading a book and watching the picturesqe scenes of snowplay and fun in the picture window. I did go out long enough to play a bit, get my picture taken in it and get really cold.

I enjoyed the few days in the snow, but can see how hard it would be to navigate life day after day in that mess. It would not remain picturesque for long.

Course it isn't easy here in August either. So we all have our weather to deal with.

(What happend to blogger spellchecker? Where have you gone, oh hider of my horrid spelling...)

What is this thing called blog?

2010-01-19T21:53:00.000-06:00

So many happenings since I last blogged. My 2 year-old laptop bit it before Christmas. And I had to wait two weeks for the computer guys to diagnose it dead. Then a New Year's trip to Pennsylvania. Then computer shopping.
Geez, and you wonder why I haven't blogged. Not only have I been busy and lap-topless, every time I have sat down to blog I open with an amazingly boring-ass paragraph like the one I just wrote. I can hardly stand not deleting it for sheer mundane crappiness.

Let me tell you what killed my blog. Facebook. Facebook killed my blog. For two reasons. The first reason is laziness. Why write a six-paragraph semi-entertaining essay about what you did on your trip to PA when you can condense it into a one or two-sentence witty status update that might make your friends smile for 20 seconds as they go about their day. Facebook is the lazy-man's BlogSpot.
It is also a forum that is making me share way, way less about my life. Because every day, twice a day, (at least) I scroll down the news feed reading the one or two sentences that my 300-plus "Friends" choose to post for the pleasure of anyone they have ever met and all I can think about most of the time is how stupid it all is.

Really. I am not talking about the handful of truly witty real-life friends that I have. And if you are reading this blog, of course I am not talking about you : )

But I just want to comment all the time in ways that are really not appropriate, though I think are very much called for. Here are some generic things I would like to say on facebook.

1. If your job sucks that much, please attempt to get a new one.

2. If you join every application sent to you, fine, just don't effing invite me to join too.

3. You're a fucking conservative, really? I wish I wasn't your facebook friend so I wouldn't have to know that. I was blissfully ignorant before and happy to stay that way.

4. If you are so melancholy and depressed that every status update is a cry for help, I feel for you, but seriously wish you would get some medication and at least pretend to be happy sometimes.

5. If you don't have anything to say, please for the love of christy, don't post a status update.

I could go on and on. Which is interesting when you consider how addicted to loitering on facebook I am. I love it. I like looking at pictures of people I knew in high school and seeing how they turned out and comparing them to the way I turned out. I love how extremely funny and apt so many of my real-life friends are. They make me laugh and I am constantly reminded why my dearest friends are my dearest friends. And I love being able to send a message to people so easily. It helps me out in my work. If I need to get a message to a Palace actor or techie and I don't have their number or email, chances are they are my friend on facebook and I can easily connect with them.

But I don't say much. My status updates are not frequent. I am inundated with so much worthless noise that I simply don't want to say anything for fear that I will add to it. Unless I truly think I have something to say or simply can't stand not posting my mundane doings - such as posting about the delicious bowl of ice cream I might be having - so I don't. Unless I am in a show and want to bug all my 330+ dear friends to come.

And at the same time, I stopped blogging. The fear of mundane narcicism carried over to this forum in my mind. And I have so many acquaintances reading here and I don't have a set topic. And I don't feel like writing a self-absorbed, non-offensive entertainment column. Like I am writing an endless essay entitled "What I did today" and it must be entertaining and can't contain any swear-words or support for gays, abortions or democrats or else my readership might not like me anymore.

Sheesh. All this to tell you why I haven't been blogging.

In penance for this post, I will immediately follow up with a blog about PA, snow and how much Jackson loved it. But I simply had to break my blog silence with a rant. So there.

Good times, Piano and Spongebob Art

2009-12-09T19:56:00.010-06:00

Annie is going well at the Palace. Ticket sales are good and the audiences are really enjoying the show, no matter which of the three casts they see. I am having a good time playing my two very different parts. And this is my first Palace show in which we have an actual dressing room. Counters with rolly-chairs, mirrors with Hollywood lights, costume racks with character assignments, the whole shebang. The only thing lacking is the monitors in the dressing rooms are not working yet. When those are hooked up we will be able to hear the show in the dressing room so we don't have to guess how much time we have left for a quick-change. It is a nice change from a curtained-off corner of the dirty shed with only a hand mirror for make-up. And clean bathrooms! Need I say more?

There are still tickets for Annie available, especially on the weekday shows. See my last blog entry for my show dates if you want to see me and my "electric smile." Heh, that is what the Williamson County Sun said about me. David laughed and said, "That's code. The reviewer thinks you're hot." Lol, I love my husband.

**************************

I grew up in a home with a piano and while I never became any kind of pianist, I spent countless hours messing around on it. I could read music because I played in the band at school, and I was able to figure out how to play some of the sheet music my mom had hanging around from her youth. I took a few piano lessons as a teenager, but the teacher tough out of a hymnal and I lost interest. But to this day I can plink out virtually any Christmas song you can think of.

I want Jackson to grow up in a house with a piano. He can take lessons to see if he likes it, though it might prove difficult for a left-handed child. But it also would come in handy to plink out our vocal parts when one of us is cast in a musical.

So I mentioned to Dad on Thanksgiving that I was looking for a small used piano. Dad, the master of Craigslist, found this one here in Round Rock. It is a 1938 Kimball that was owned by a 78 year-old woman who got it for her 6th birthday. Her son's job has been transferred to Korea for a number of years and they are selling everything for the move. They were very sad to see it go, but are happy that it goes to a local family who will treasure it. It needs tuned, but other than that it is a real find. I came home from work today to find it sitting in my dining room. My Dad broke into my house (ok, he used the garage code) and brought it in. Jackson has already pounded out a tone-deaf version of jingle bells and I have already fallen in love with having a piano in my own home. Thank you, Dad.

*****************
Jackson took David's IPhone and took a few pictures around the house. When I looked at them all I found these abstract pieces of Spongebob Art. I love it. I should have prints made.

Chemo, Annie and Jackson Spider

2009-11-06T09:50:00.007-06:00

Two years ago today was my final round of chemo. You can read about the debut of the Chemo Queen here. Seems so bizarre that I went through all of that and am now living a fairly normal day-to-day life. Preparing to open another show, fixing up my house, thinking about another Christmas.

Of course I become more wistful every day when I see all the families with multiple children. I see the siblings interact at Jackson's school and I really want that for him. And I am beginning to really understand that I may not be able to have another baby and I feel cheated somehow. And it seems like everyone has a new baby when you want one so badly.

But it is two years post-treatment and I am still here to worry about it. That is something. And I had a CT scan this week and got the good news yesterday that all is still clear. NED.

Annie opens on Nov. 20th. Rehearsals are a crazy circus with two of three casts rehearsing each night, one on the stage and another on the rehearsal stage. So many of us are in more than one cast and end up running back and forth all night to determine where we should be and what we should be doing. I don't envy the stage managers their job of working all this out.

I don't think I even blogged that I will be playing Miss Hannigan for 5 shows. But Mary Ellen determined that she needed a third Hannigan to swing a few shows and offered it to me. So I am playing Lily for 14 shows and Hannigan for 5. Here are the dates:

I will be playing Miss Hannigan on Nov 29, Dec 12, 20, 23 & 29. And I will be playing Lily (Rooster's Girlfriend) on Nov 20, 28, Dec 4, 11, 16, 19, 22, 26, & 27.

This will be at the Palace Theatre in Georgetown. www.thegeorgetownpalace.org.If you want to see me, get tickets in advance because this show is going to sell very well. It is Christmas-time and there are so many kids involved so tickets will sell well in advance.

I have had requests for Jackson Halloween pictures. I will confess that I didn't get great pics of him. Cause it was low-light and he wouldn't sit still. But this one at least shows you how cute his spider costume was. He really was adorable, raising his arms and saying "raaarr". I think he must have been one of those rare rain forest roaring spiders. or something.

And here is one of us at Andy & Renee's Halloween party. I am a ghost bride of some sort, David is the Emcee from Cabaret and Jackson is 15 minutes from falling asleep in the guest room.

Talking With...

2009-10-13T21:00:00.005-05:00

Talking With opened Friday and it is a good show. I am really enjoying, not only the performance part of it, but the fact that we work as a crew together, changing sets and helping each actor get set for her piece. It is really a lot of fun and very bonding to have my individual monologue, and then change into my black clothes and become a member of the backstage crew. Working with such a talented group of women is not something you get to do all the time. And they are all so much fun and there are no personality issues or egos to contend with. Just cool ladies and a good show. I am going to be sorry to see this one end. It is such a short run. Only 4 more shows. Tomorrow through Sat at 8 p.m. If you are in the Austin area, you should definitely come out and see it. Austin Live Theatre.com reviewed us and seemed to really like it. I was pleased to even get a favorable personal mention! Check it out here. And make reservations to see the show here.

I am still here.

2009-09-23T19:35:00.005-05:00

When you don't blog for a little while, it becomes a habit. Do people really want to hear about what I am doing on a daily basis? From the comments of friends and family complaining about my blog silence, I suppose for some reason they do. So here I am. Blogging.

My life at this time is full. I am working on two different shows. Talking With is a monologue show with North by Northwest Theatre company. There are six of us and we each have our own pieces to memorize and perform. Mine is a bizarre and awesome monologue about a baton twirler who finds religious ecstasy through twirling. I have borrowed batons from Andrea who, of course, took twirling lessons as a tween and my flag twirling skills from marching band are coming into play. Baton twirling and flag twirling are not exactly the same, but they translate enough to make me credible enough for the show. And I am hoping not to look too bad (and exposed) in the twirler costume. Dance tights are my friend. Talking With opens October 9th at the City Theatre in Austin and runs for two weeks. Posted is the publicity shot we took. It is missing Jen Coy who was sick the day of the shoot.

I have also been cast in the Palace Christmas Behemoth, otherwise known as the musical Annie. There are 27 scheduled performances which means that Mary Ellen needed almost three full casts to get them all covered without killing her actors at Christmas-time. So I said what the hell and threw my hat in the ring. If I am ever going to get better at musical auditions I will have to keep doing them. I get so nervous and can't sing my best. I did pretty well this time, though and I will be playing Lily, Rooster's girlfriend (the Bernadette Peters part from the movie). So I will be starting rehearsals for that immediately and anytime I am not needed at Talking With Rehearsals. Annie doesn't open til November 20th, so I have plenty of time after Talking With closes to catch up on the rehearsals I will miss while off doing the other show. I think it will be a fun part. It seems the last few shows I have been cast in have been for character roles. I have to shift my thinking some, because I am used to thinking in terms of the ingenue roles. But it seems my skills as I get older are evolving and I am being challenged to do characters that are quirky; different. I think this can only be a good thing and as I get older can only serve me well. So I am tentatively excited to play the trampy, blowzy, over-the-top Lily St. Regis from Jersey City.

So that is what I am up to. David has good theatre news, too. The list of B. Iden Payne nominations came out last week and David's show, I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change, was nominated for 4 awards including outstanding cast performance and outstanding production of a musical. In addition, the Austin Circle of Theatres folks asked the cast to perform a number at the awards ceremony! I am so excited for him. I was so proud of his performance in the show last year and I wanted to see it way more that the three times I managed to see. And now he is being recognized for it and it is so well deserved.

Enough for now. If I blog to much my first time back I might make myself sick - having lost my blog tolerance and all that.

Floor project!

2009-09-01T22:02:00.007-05:00

The last week and a half has been very full of physical labor. We ripped the carpet out of all but the bedrooms in my house and are installing laminate floors. My house is a complete mess and I have been going to bed totally exhausted, but content. David's parents came this weekend to help get the majority of the floor layed. We had the house mostly prepped when they got here - carpet out, baseboards off, furniture out. We worked in the evenings all week last week to get it done.

And while we had the office empty, we took the opportunity to paint the dirty eggshell walls two shades of vibrant blue, which is getting mixed reviews from the peanut gallery. We like it though. If you are going to make the effort to paint, I say paint big. Andrea came over to help with the painting and Jackson enjoyed helping us paint as well. Though I will say that painting a room bright blue with a four-year-old's help is a lot of work. Especially since we were painting two walls darker blue and two walls lighter blue. Making sure he kept the right color on the right wall was tough. He desperately wanted to mix the colors.

He managed to survive the chaos of the weekend with no furniture by carrying around his little folding chair. Unfortunately, he broke out in ugly hives all over. We think he must be allergic to the cement dust and general yuck that we stirred up by tearing out the carpeting. Benadryl cleared them up mostly but we are keeping an eye on him since the floor isn't quite done and we still have a hallway of cement till the weekend.

The cats wandered around all week wondering what the hell was going on and why we were moving all the furniture they like to sleep on. They were so bewildered and funny. Of course as soon as the first boards in the living room were installed, Sarah cat took up residence on them and stayed there all afternoon as the work progressed.

While David and his parents worked on laying the floor Elaine and I prepped and repainted all the trim baseboards. I had no idea how nasty those things were till we took them off the walls and I got a close look at them. They are going to look so nice with fresh paint and a new floor.

And here are a couple of pics of the floor in the living room and office. They are both still a mess and these pics were taken before we got the baseboards back on. But you can see what a nice job David and his parents did laying the floor. It looks great. I will post finished product pics when we get all finished and the house put back together...in a few weeks...or months...however long it will take to put the chaos to rights.

The last two evenings have been spent putting back baseboards and caulking the gaps and putting some furniture back. We are already so beat from the prep and actual floor laying that we are taking our time and working as we can. We feel pretty productive and proud of how our first major home project is turning out.

Planet Cancer Retreat This Weekend!

2009-08-19T21:13:00.003-05:00

I am excited. This weekend I am attending my second Planet Cancer Retreat. I am so lucky that PC is based in Austin and has its retreats here each summer. I don't have to spring for airfare! My friend Becky, whom I met at the retreat last year, is flying in a day early tomorrow and will hang with me for a night and a day before we both head to The Crossings for the retreat on Friday afternoon. I am taking her to dinner at Threadgill's and then to Andrea's production of The Vagina Monologues. Maybe a trip downtown after or on Friday to show her a little bit of Austin.

Then the retreat this weekend where we will meet and connect with cancer survivors from all over the country ages 25-40. It is a really neat weekend and I am happy I got accepted to go a second year.

I'm pretty weary tonight from working hard this week so I can take Thursday and Friday off, and then tonight getting the house ready for a guest. I have a little more to do tomorrow, but I have done most of the cleaning I wanted to do. The kitchen is the last thing and that can be done tomorrow. Now I just have to keep the small child from destroying all my work before she comes tomorrow. We may have to tie him up and sit him in the corner. (KIDDING! REALLY!)

Birthday

2009-08-13T22:11:00.004-05:00

I had a good birthday today. David and I took Jackson for his first dental appt this morning. Not what you would expect us to do first thing on my birthday, but David scheduled it a few months ago, overlooking the fact that is is my birthday. But no biggie, I might have wanted to stay in bed longer, but I wanted to be there for his first visit.

He has been nervous about it for a few days, asking me to please not make him go. I have been telling him that the dentist just wants to look at his teeth to make sure they are strong and healthy. So he says, "What if she says they aren't strong and healthy? Will she make me stop brushing my teeth?" So there has been some anxiety leading up to this visit.

But he was so good. Didn't get too upset this morning about going and went into the exam room willingly, although apprehensively. The Dentist was great, taking time to really connect with him before getting into his mouth. She had a large stuffed frog with a full set of human-looking teeth that she pulled out to show him. Together they counted the frog's teeth and then Jackson let her count his teeth. She did and exam and polished his teeth and took x-rays. Jackson enjoyed seeing the x-rays of his teeth. All in all it was a good visit and a great first experience at the dentist for him. I am glad we went with this doc. She is not a pediatric dentist, but a family dentist that does kids too. But I think the calm environment of this office and the exemplary care of this dentist was the right choice.

Tonight, my mom came over and watched Jackson and David took me out to dinner. He set it up. I didn't even know where we were going till we got there. He took me to Fogo De Chao. Very, very good if you are a carnivore. Neat place. They bring skewered meats to your table and cut hunks off for you. Endlessly. Until you can't possibly eat anymore. And they have a first-rate veggie/salad bar. I am stuffed and content.

I have been starting to feel a bit better. My hormones are much lower which probably helps with my moodiness. Hopefully this will continue and I will be back to my old self again soon.

Miscarriage take two

2009-08-10T19:57:00.003-05:00

I am doing my best to recover from my miscarriage. It has been three weeks and you would think I would be getting back to normal, but I had not been feeling anything close to normal. On Thursday last week I woke up in the morning with severe cramps and bleeding. Enough that I had to go to the ER to get checked out. Seems I had an incomplete miscarriage three weeks ago and it took this long for my body to figure it out. So after a day spent in the ER and some IV morphine, I think I finally may be nearing the end of the physical ordeal of losing the baby.

Finally.

I had a check-up today with the OB Doc who saw me in the ER. He is checking my hormone levels to make sure they go down this time. Thursday they were still high, explaining the feelings of still being pregnant that I have had for the last three weeks.

I am hoping the hormones will drop quickly and that I will be on a more stable level. I am so volatile lately. I get so mad so easily. Little things make me cry or curse and I am having a hard time just getting by without lashing out about stupid things.

Everyday life is hard. We all know it. Bureaucracy reigns and you just have to deal with it. Shit happens and you have to keep going. You have to go to a doctor's appt to deal with a miscarriage from three weeks ago instead of taking your son to a Kindermusic class.

So what is a girl who is emotionally unstable and kinda depressed to do? You know it. Nice and Easy. Hair color. I am now sporting dark, really dark, brown hair. I like it. It made me feel slightly better.

I am hoping to get myself under better control soon. Maybe when I am truly physically recovered from all of this, I can.

It just seems like everything has to be hard. Trying to make an appointment for Jackson to get a rash looked at is hard. It shouldn't be. I called the doc around 3:45 to get an appointment for tomorrow morning while I am off work. They wouldn't make an appt for him for tomorrow. Said they only make same-day appts. I would have to call back at 8 am tomorrow to get an appt for tomorrow. I could come in today though. Their last appt was at 5. I had my own appt today at 4. It was possible I could make it, if my own appt ran on time. So I took the chance and made the appt, knowing it was a long shot. Alas, my 4 p.m. appt didn't happen till 4:30. I got out at 4:50 and tried to call the pediatric office to tell them I wasn't going to make it. But they turned their phones off. Said office hours were 8 - 5. So they turned off their phones early and I couldn't even leave a message.

So I sat in my car and had a two-minute breakdown. My mom had taken Jackson to his music class that I had to miss and I was waiting for her to bring him to me. And I am sitting there in my car wanting to weep with unhappiness because I can't cope with all the tiny bullshit that you have to wade through day after day. And I was upset because I am upset by all of the stupid little shit that you are supposed to let roll off your back. It isn't rolling off me. It is sticking and building up and making me crazy.

I guess it would be easy to say this is all hormones and disappointment and I will feel better soon. And I hope it is. I am ready to be myself again and not flying off the handle and yelling at the guy at the post office for bureaucratic bullshit he couldn't help.

Floods suck

2009-08-02T22:32:00.002-05:00

I'm a little sad tonight. I have managed, for the most part, to go about having a normal life for the last two weeks. Working, taking care of Jackson, normal stuff and keeping busy. But in quiet moments, I am still sad and disappointed that I lost the baby and I wonder how long it will take before it doesn't hurt anymore.

My pants fit tightly from the 4ish pounds I gained in two 1/2 months of being pregnant. Doesn't sound like much but its all in my belly and is enough to make me uncomfortable in my clothes. They don't fit well and I feel self-conscious about it.I feel like I look pregnant, but I am not anymore. I was just on the verge of buying some bigger pants when I lost the baby. Now I refuse to. Now I just need my hormones to go back to normal so I don't feel so bloated and I need to eat better and lose it. I want it to happen overnight, but things don't work that way, I know. Weight gain for nothing really sucks.

We had a water emergency at my house today. The pipe that connects the water line to the toilet burst and flooded my bathroom, closet, part of my bedroom, a hallway and seeped under the walls into my kitchen. It couldn't have been running for long before it was discovered, but it ran long enough to cause us to spend almost the whole day in water clean-up. I am grateful it was clean water and not sewage or something, and that we were home to catch it before it flooded the entire house.

My sister has taken Jackson for a few days. She is taking him with her boys to see my Dad in Santa Anna. My brother's girls will be there too so Jackson will have the opportunity to play with all his cousins. I know he will have a good time. He was playing with Cam and Eli and could barely be bothered to say goodbye to his Dad and me. He will be back on Wednesday and I will miss him. But it will give us time to finish cleaning up and drying out the house.

Marriage already?

2009-07-22T21:08:00.005-05:00

I really shouldn't watch the news anymore. Top three stories: a double murder of a 22-year-old couple at UT, a drowning at Town Lake and dude fell from the 360 condos downtown and died. And this is Austin. Wonder what it is like in truly crime-ridden cities. This is why I read the news online. You can scan the headlines and click on the news stories that affect you and skip some of the terrible accident reporting.

It rained a bit this afternoon and Jackson & I sat on the swing out front watching it. He ran onto the sidewalk and got wet and squealed and ran back to me to get warm. Such joy. I love this small boy.

I was holding him and he started to play with my wedding ring as he does sometimes. So I asked him, "Do you know what that ring means?" I told him it means that his daddy loves me. That daddy gave that ring to me because he loves me and that daddy wears a ring too, that says that I love him. I realized my mistake almost immediately when he turned to me concerned, "Where is my ring? I want a ring too!"

Oh shit. What do I do now? Do I get him a ring that he will lose? Do I get him a plastic gumball-machine ring and hope that satisfies him? Hmm...

I decided to tell him that you get a ring when you get married. It went down like this:

HIM: What's married?
ME: It is when you promise to love someone forever.
HIM: I want to get married!
ME: Ok...who would you marry?
HIM: (thinking very hard) Not cats though, right? (Sarah cat was sitting next to him).
ME: No, you don't marry cats, you marry people. (Notice the gender-neutral language)
HIM: I can't marry you?
ME: No I am married already to your Daddy.
HIM: I love Aunt Elaine forever, I'll marry her.

So Aunt Elaine, Prepare to be wooed. Jackson wants a ring.

What now?

2009-07-21T21:14:00.003-05:00

I am drinking wine tonight. Why not, right? Heh.

So I am depressed, understandably. I don't quite know what to do with myself. It isn't like a cancer diagnosis. I can't put a positive spin on it - I'll fight, I'll beat it, it won't get me down...I don't have a course of treatment to dive into and keep busy with. It's just sad.

Nothing positive to focus on except "You can try again, it doesn't mean you can't have another." And I know that.

But I wanted this one. I wanted this baby, dammit. In Feb, near or on Valentine's day or my Dad's birthday. I feel like life has taught me plenty of lessons in 'you can't always have what you want.' I didn't need another one. Seriously.

So now what? I am feeling decidedly spendy. As I did while going through chemo, I simply crave shopping trips. Course money is tight and I can't go spending the little discretionary funds in my account. So I am not. But it is tough. I mentioned on facebook today how cool it would be to take off to Vegas for a weekend and my friends started posting dates and prices and suggesting a group trip. Not in the budget, but it would be cool. You can't hop on a plane to Vegas to escape your disappointment...but it wouldn't hurt would it? I could cry into my Cirque du Soleil program.

I am happy to spend time with my now four-year-old boy. He got lots of new clothes from his Omi for his birthday and is looking sharp in t-shirts that aren't too small and the matching shorts and such. He is loving and articulate and I adore him. I guess if you only get one, he is a good one to have. He let me sleep in this morning, coming in only to ask if he could have a juice box, which he opens himself and to kiss me and tell me he loves me.

When I got up he must have sensed my desire to hermit myself and stay home today, because he asked me if we could go to the Palace. He got some Color Wonder markers from a Palace gal for his birthday and he wanted to go to the Palace to play with them. I was still feeling anti-social, so I wasn't sure I wanted to go. But then Sonja called from the office to check in and ask me a few questions and I felt slightly normal for a few minutes while talking business. So I decided the best thing might be to go to work.

So after lunch at IHOP with Elaine, Jackson and I headed to the Palace for a few hours work. And it was good. I got a few things done and Jackson was happy to watch his movie and color and play with the Volunteer.

Tomorrow I am taking Jackson back to school and heading back to work for a full day. I am sure it will be fine. I am physically a little weak and tender an mentally more than a bit battered, but work calls and busy is good.

No baby for me.

2009-07-20T11:35:00.003-05:00

Long, painful story in a nutshell, as of last night I will not be having a baby in February. All my discomfort and bleeding led to the inevitable end and it is over. And I am sad and disappointed.

And pissed off at the medical establishment. I am RH negative which means I need a shot of Rhogam so my body doesn't make antibodies against RH positive blood I may have been exposed to from the baby. I need it soon so as not to endanger subsequent pregnancies.

The birthing center can give me the shot but they are out of network with my insurance company and it will cost $125. I don't want to pay $125 for a shot my insurance should cover. So I got on the phone.

I called my family doctor to see if they have it and would give it to me. They don't have it and neither does my gynecologist since she doesn't do OB. Which I think is stupid since she prescribes fertility drugs. If you are trying to get people pregnant shouldn't you keep some Rhogam around in case you are successful but they have a loss? Neither would the docs call in a prescription for it and let my mom, an RN give it to me. So I talked the birthing center into referring me to the Perinatologist I saw last week for my ultrasound. They said I could come in for the shot, but would have to have an exam and ultrasound as well to confirm the miscarriage and make sure I am not retaining anything. Fine. I can do that.

But then they called back to say that I would still have to pay out of pocket for the Rhogam because I am not pregnant anymore. Cause Dr. B is a high-risk pregnancy doc and I am not being referred for a high-risk pregnancy, but for a miscarriage. So either way I have to pay for the whole thing. Motherfuckers. I cancelled the appt.

I have $125. I can pay for it. But I don't fucking want to. And I don't want to drive to Austin for the privilege of getting this shot of gold that I must have but am having a hard time getting.

So I am about to go to the ER. They can do an exam, give me a shot and send me home. I will probably pay $125 for the ER visit but I don't care. I can't believe this is how I have spent the morning after I lost the baby. On the phone. Trying to find a Rhogam shot that my insurance will cover.

Typical.

Cancerversary!

2009-07-16T10:36:00.004-05:00

OMG! Today is my cancer diagnosis anniversary. Two years ago today I was given the news that whatever was in my chest was malignant. My world changed forever and I entered one of the hardest 6-month periods I hope ever to experience. (I blogged it all starting here.)

And I kinda forgot to say anything about it in the blog I just posted. It wasn't til I posted it and looked at the date on it that I said, "Oh yeah, look at that, it's the 16th!"

What a difference two years makes.

All is well!

2009-07-16T10:15:00.002-05:00

My ultrasound yesterday was a relief and a wonder. The baby looks great, as active as a jumping bean and they see nothing to be concerned about. She couldn't find any source of the spotting I had, and said that wasn't unusual. Just one of those things.

So I am a much happier and relaxed person today and am allowing myself to be excited about this baby, something I haven't done really, since I found out I was pregnant. And I really am due on Valentine's Day, Feb 14th. My Dad, whose birthday is Feb 17th says there is a big inheritance in it for a granddaughter born on his birthday - whom I should name Victoria after him. I laugh heartily at his cheek, but secretly won't rule out the possibility.

Of course we won't know anything about gender for a couple of months, so no use speculating on names at this point. And as much as I wanted a girl the first time around (seriously, seriously wanted a girl) I have learned though my incredible son how very little it matters. The world is a better place with my little boy in it and I will feel the same whether this is the coveted granddaughter or a brother for Jackson.

My Dad came and picked up Jackson yesterday and took him home with him for a couple of days to Santa Anna. At first the boy didn't want to go. He wanted to go visit Grandpa, but he wanted one of us to go too. He was distraught and weeping at the prospect of leaving home without us. I was afraid the pick-up would not go smoothly and we would all be upset.

But after having his cry in the morning and then going to school, he got used to the idea because when Grandpa actually showed up, Jackson was happy and ready to go. Not one tear. So the little lollypop-light-disco-spinning-candy-fan I bought at Walgreen's for a pick-me-up road trip bribe was completely unnecessary. You know those little $3.00 candy/toy things they have that fascinate the hell out of your kid in the check-out line that you refuse to buy on principle that they are $3.00 and crappy plastic? Well, I was feeling guilty about what I though would be Jackson's desperation not to leave home without a parent. So I bought it. He loved it, of course, especially the fact that a tiny fan spins when you push the button. He kept saying he could cool himself off instead of the air conditioner. I guess it wasn't a badly spent $3.00 after all.

He will be home on Saturday morning. Which gives me time to get the house cleaned for his birthday party on Saturday afternoon. And to spend some time with David at Big River dress/tech. I went last night and the show is really coming together. I think people will really like it. And I get to go to opening night and the after party without having to worry about Jackson at KidSpace needing picked up and feeling guilty about that.

So yay, the baby is ok and Big River is almost open. The stress in my life should reduce considerably. And as long as my nausea reduces soon, things will be good.

Jackson's Birthday

2009-07-14T21:59:00.003-05:00

Today was Jackson's 4th birthday and we were pretty low-key about it. David is in tech week for Big River and I am not feeling great. So we had a little birthday for him at the Palace with his Palace friends and ate some cake. He had presents to open - mostly cars and car paraphernalia - from the volunteers at the Palace who have seen him every day since he was born. It was a good little party. We promised him we'd have another party on Saturday with his Omi and Grandpa. So he knows he is not done with his birthday. But I think he would probably be content with his presents today if no more came. He took some of his new cars in his bath and to bed with him.

I can't believe he is already four. Time sure flies. It doesn't seem that long ago that he was a tiny baby. Of course it was a lifetime ago and BC. When I was a long-haired youngster who hated drugs and refused to give birth in a hospital. Ironic that I was so vocal about not liking drugs and medical intervention and I ended up partaking, 2 years later, of the most potent and poisonous interventions available in western medicine. Funny. Kind of.

I have been on a roller coaster for about a week now with this pregnancy. I have been having off and on cramping and spotting and at some moments I am convinced that I am miscarrying. Then it all stops and my nausea and pregnancy symptoms come on full force and show that my hormones are still up so maybe everything is ok and I am worrying for nothing. But it is driving me crazy, not knowing. I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow and we will have some answers. They can tell me right away if they see a heartbeat or if this pregnancy is not meant to be.

So think good thoughts for me tomorrow. I am hoping it is all false alarm and worry and that is all.

Rest is hard.

2009-07-08T22:04:00.003-05:00

Jackson is sleeping on the floor in the hall. He snuck out of his bed with a blanket and made himself a little bed. I didn't notice till a few minutes ago when I was putting laundry away. So funny. I am just going to leave him there til David gets home from rehearsal. Then he can hoist him up and putting him back in bed. Jackson looks quite comfy there in his blanket, so I figure he can stay there.

I have been trying to take it easy. Been having some bothersome cramping that makes me worry about possible miscarriage. It is pretty mild, but I can't help but worry. Of course there isn't any sense in worrying. In the first trimester, if something isn't right, there isn't anything you can do. So I just have to try to relax and wait.

I had a check-up with my oncologist today. I was supposed to have a scan on Monday which I canceled, of course. So scans while pregnant. Dr. George doesn't seem concerned at all that I am pregnant and just plans to see me every three months instead of every 4-6 months. There really shouldn't be any problems. And if for some reason we question whether the cancer is coming back, I can do a chest x-ray with a shield for my belly, or even an MRI if we really need to do some looking.

I also stopped by my family doctor to make sure I don't have a bladder infection. Seems that could be the cause of some of my discomfort and pressure. Prelim results look ok, but they will know for sure in a day or two.

In the meantime, I am trying not to stress and worry. My bosses kicked me out at work today, sent me home to rest. It is really, really busy right now - playbills, the new season playbill, lots of work to get season ticket sales going. I could work all day every day. And I would if I could. But my body keeps reminding me that I need rest. And I have to eat every 2 damned hours or I am starving and feeling sick.

So think good thoughts for me that the cramping is nothing and that I manage to get the rest I need, but can't mentally commit to. I have such a hard time slowing down. Especially when there is so much to do.

Bonnie, the Marvelous Wig Lady

2009-07-01T17:43:00.002-05:00

The statesman ran a great article on Bonnie, the wig lady at Pat Painter's Wig Salon. You should be able to see it here. She is the one who I went to who gave Andrea' and I such a good afternoon trying on and playing with a hundred wigs. She handed me a "Fuck Cancer" button and bracelet when I walked in the door and was so irreverent when she showed the pair of underpants with hair glued to the outside. She told me I'd need a wig 'down there' too. I did not have a head shaving party, Andrea' did it for me in my kitchen. But I have nothing but fond memories of Bonnie and Pat's and what an oasis she creates for a woman losing her precious hair. If you know anyone in central Texas with cancer or alopecia, send them immediately to Pat Painter's on Burnet Road. Thanks Bonnie! Here is what I blogged at the time, if you care to read it.

Jackson has a lot to say and I have a secret.

2009-06-26T21:18:00.005-05:00

He talks. All the time. From the minute he wakes up til we tuck him in at night. Then I can hear him from the living room talking, singing and chanting until he falls asleep. The kind of things he says are largely varied.

He puts random items on his head, like a book, and runs around chanting "I'm the guy with the book on his head!" "I'm the guy with the car on his head" I think this may be a spongebob thing.

He gets very upset if, when driving, he decides I am going the wrong way. If I take a different route than he expects to the Palace or on the way home, he gets so mad and cries from the back seat about how I am not going the right way and how we will never get home. "Home, I miss you," he cries pathetically.

He has invented a game he calls 'potato tickle' which is 'one potato, two potato - the fist game - except you don't say 'seven potato more' you say 'seven potato TICKLE!' and then tickle the hell out of him.

He has started to draw some pretty good stick figures and make some people-like sculptures out of play dough. I took a picture of his latest work to share with you. Good stuff. In the above pic, that is Jackson's self-portrait. The round thing on his torso he says is his tummy. Like a balloon. In the pic below, Jackson says the figure on the left is him, the one on the right is me. I think I have a duck bill. He says it is my smile.

So I have decided to officially out myself. I am expecting again. It is too early to out myself - about 6-7 weeks only. But I am tired of not blogging to avoid talking about how I am doing, which is tired, moody and nauseated most of the time. So I am blogging about it. I figured I blogged intimate details of my cancer treatment, I may as well blog the pregnancy from the get go.

I have known for about three weeks or so. Which is odd, I didn't figure it out with Jackson til about 7 1/2 weeks. This time I knew almost immediately. Experience or earlier symptoms? I dunno. Either way, I was certain before any home test would read positive. And I am happy that this baby got to be on stage in Hay Fever. I was doing a children's play, Hank the Cowdog ,when I found out with Jackson so it is fitting that this time around I was also in a show at the time. Stage beginnings for each is a good thing.

So I am well, but as I said, tired, moody an nauseated. With an impressive bosom. That alone should clue in those close to me. I did not go out and get a wonderbra, my friends. It is all natural. I have decided that these endowments are a gift to the newly expecting mother from the gods of "holy-shit-you're-preggers-better-keep-that-man-of-yours!" Not that my spouse was going anywhere, but these do help offset the crazy-lady mood swings he has been putting up with for a few weeks.

I have also been thinking about this all-day sickness that plague the first three months. I was thinking it was a flawed design. How were early human women supposed to forage and cook and care for other children when they were sick all the time without modern conveniences? But I have decided the tiredness and nausea must be natures way of making you take it easy during a delicate time. The first three months give you a physical indication of pregnancy for you to feel and for your family to witness so you take it easy and those around you facilitate that. Then at about the time you may start visually showing, it eases off. Everyone can see you are pregnant and could use some special care.

Not sure that makes me feel any better when I am losing my lunch, but it is a good thought.

So a month before my 2-year cancerversary I find that I can, in fact,conceive. My innards are not fried and seem to be working ok. Now send good thoughts my way that I carry this to term and have a healthy baby in February.

Brownies

2009-06-21T21:48:00.003-05:00

We had dinner at David's parents house tonight for Father's day. Good food and good company as usual. Jackson makes me laugh so much, though. After dinner he asked about dessert and we told him when everyone was done eating we had brownies for dessert. He paused for a second and said "It's really nice of you guys to give me a brownie, but I rather don't want one." He wanted a Popsicle instead. I had to laugh at how politely he declined a brownie, knowing full well that after his Popsicle he would ask for one. He did.

Fountains are for running through

2009-06-12T21:19:00.003-05:00

I just spent an enjoyable evening at The Domain with Elaine, Sabrina and a couple of Elaine's friends. And Jackson. He heard I was meeting Aunt Elaine and he really wanted to come too. And the ladies were fine with it, so Jackson joined us on our girls evening.

We met at California Pizza kitchen, and had a good dinner and then we headed to the gelato place a few doors down. Jackson particularly enjoyed the dark chocolate fudge gelato and didn't even make a huge mess. Afterwards we stopped at the water fountain they have there and let him get all wet playing in it with a few other kids. I was just going to let him get his feet wet, but Elaine and the ladies encouraged him to run right in and get all wet. I had his backpack with me with a change of clothes so what-the-hell. You only get to be a little kid once. He had a really good time and I was really proud of how well-behaved he was all evening. He is a good boy most of the time. A handful, but a good boy, I think.

On many Saturdays in the parking lot of the Fry's in North Austin they have a race track set up for remote control cars. These are not your kid's little remote control cars, these things are gas-powered monster cars that are loud, fast and you can smell the burnt rubber. There is a Hobby Town in that shopping center and this is an event the hold there periodically in good weather. A few weeks ago we had to return something to Fry's and got there in time to see some of the races. Jackson was in heaven. He sat there for an hour with his Dad watching the cars racing, mesmerized. I can't imagine a more fun afternoon for him.

And here is an especially cute picture of Jackson and his Omi a couple of weeks ago.

ahh...

2009-06-08T18:51:00.004-05:00

I am sitting on my couch listening to the quiet hum of my new washer. As I reported a month or more ago, my washer and dryer were dying. I don't know if I ever reported that I got new ones. I got a nice front-loader and both the washer and dryer have the steam functions that I have been coveting for a few years. Not sure if they are going to make a big difference in my life, the steam function, that is, but I do think my clothes are a little cleaner. They smell a little nicer anyway. And the washer is so quiet. I have to send Jackson in to the pantry to tell me if it is done yet. Or I have to listen for the song. Cause the new machines sing to me when they are finished. Really. They are made by LG, the same people who make lots of cell phones. My washer plays a ring-tone when it is done. The first time it sang to us, Jackson burst into spontaneous applause. It was precious.

So I am listening for the washer to sing to me so I can go in and deal with the clothes. And then I am going to throw the kid in the tub and listen to him splash and play for a while. I plan to get him in bed by 8 since he didn't nap today and he needs his sleep. And because a new episode of The Closer is coming on at 8:00.

Hay Fever closed yesterday. I am sad to not be hanging out with such a great group of people all the time. I felt so lucky to be in a show with such a fine set of actors. Everyone was so skilled and solid. I really felt like I was a part of a kick-ass team, led by Ms. Bernadette Nason.

But I will say I am not sorry to be at home on the couch and not having to drive into Austin 4 days a week. David is off at rehearsal now and he is the one that has to take off a mere 45 minutes after he gets home from work. And I am the one in charge of the boy in the evenings. So now I hope to become a semi-regular blogger again.

...heh, pardon me, my washer is singing to me...

What is happening right now...

2009-05-30T14:54:00.004-05:00

Jackson: Mom, I smell spiders.
Me: Really? What do they smell like?
Jackson: ...spiders.

I am sitting on my couch waiting for the stove timer to beep, telling me my macaroni is ready to be drained in anticipation of the packet of powdered orange goodness that will transform it into macaroni and cheese. I am such a gourmet. It isn't even Kraft, it's generic. What does that say about me? I am not sure I want to know.

So indeed the Chronicle did pan my show, calling us too loud, too fast and too broad for a Noel Coward British comedy of manners. Of course any of you who have ever done any live theatre, especially of the unpaid variety, know the mantra of comedic shows. Say it with me, please! "Louder, faster, funnier!" We were just doing what we have learned the audiences like. And our audiences are enjoying the show. And this particular critic has a reputation for being a self-important ass-hat. We have been receiving condolences from other local theatre artists who have been 'Pineo'd' as we are now calling it. So whatever. As my friend Andy said, all publicity is good publicity.

Last night the show was sold out. And we had a pretty darn good show. A few little ups and downs. But all in all, it went well. The problem we are having is with the air conditioning system of the City Theatre. It is loud. Very loud. And situated directly over the stage. The initial plan was to run the AC before the show and during the intermissions, but to leave it off during the performance. But it isn't working out. It is simply getting too hot. With a full house of 75 in close proximity to each other, the stage and the hot stage lights, we simply can't leave it off. They are miserable and so are we. So the stage manager has been experimenting with timing to turn it off and on based on which scene is happening. But the only outcome is that for half the show the audience has to strain to hear us and the other half they are fretting about the heat. And it is very distracting onstage for us to hear the very loud AC turn off and on. So after the show last night we talked about it as a cast and decided to cave to the Texas heat and turn the damn thing on and leave it on. It is hard to hear in the back two rows, so we have to really work to be louder so those people can hear. But the stifling, distracting environment is no better. So with more of my effort having to go to being heard, my character might lose a little life and luster. Especially since she is shy and uncomfortable a lot. It is hard to act 'quiet' when you have to shout your lines. Sigh. But there isn't any choice.

Moral is, if you are coming to the show, don't sit in the back. And get there early cause parking is somewhat limited anyway.

David has started rehearsals for Big River and has taken Jackson with him to a couple of dance and vocal rehearsals. Jackson makes me smile because he really wants to participate in the whole thing. If they are learning dance, he wants to stand up with them and try to do what they are doing. And he gets frustrated that he can't do it. He says "They all do it better than me!" He's not quite four! He expects that he can do the dance that the teen boys are learning. He is unforgiving of himself. And during the vocal rehearsal he sits with them and holds a libretto book just like they do. Because I have been playing the soundtrack in my car for months he knows these songs and actually sang the correct words at the correct time just like the chorus.

This morning we were heading to a rehearsal and he asked if he could be in the show. David told him he was still a bit too young, but that he could be in lots of shows when he gets older. About ten minutes later we pulled up to the dance studio and Jackson sadly started to cry. We asked him what was wrong and he said, "My Daddy said I can't be in the show..." Poor boy, it was very sad. We told him that he could join the dancers if he stayed out of the way and that today he could be 'in the show.' I guess that was a lie. He can't be in the show. But he can be in the rehearsals as long as they are learning things and he doesn't disrupt anything. And in a couple of years he can do the summer camps at the Palace and be in those shows. And someday maybe a mainstage.

So my husband has a broken pinky toe. He accidentally kicked a roller blade that was hidden under a garbage bag in the garage about a week ago. His poor toe swelled and bruised up and has been giving him grief enough that he went to the clinic yesterday and had it X-rayed. And it is broke. Not much they can do about it, though. He has to tape it up to the toe next to it for a month. And take Advil. And seek sympathy from his wife.

Why no blog?

2009-05-27T20:55:00.005-05:00

Why don't I want to blog? WTF?

My show opened on Friday last week to appreciative audiences and kudos. I have been very, very busy prior to that and have been busy since trying to catch up on sleep, TV, yard work and laundry. But not blogging. I don't really feel like blogging. It just seems that when there is so much going on to write about, it becomes overwhelming and I don't write about anything.

So, yes, my show opened and it is a good one. I am having a good time with this cast and the audiences are laughing at my bits and seem to be enjoying the show.

Come see it if you are nearby. Here is the link to the site to make reservations. There are two more weekends.

And here is a link to a review on Austinlivetheatre.com. They liked us too. The Chronicle review will be out soon, and who knows how that one will be. The reviewer that came out is reported to be a not-so-kind one and he may or may not pan us for any reason. But whatever. The show is good, I think. Solid cast and we look and sound great.

Here is a pic of me back stage that my cast-mate Martina took on Sunday. You can kinda see how I cut my hair for the show into a more 1920's style bob. I actually like it a lot.

And now it is my turn to stay home with Jackson while David does a show. He is directing Big River and starts rehearsals with that this week. So I am hoping the forced house-boundedness will prompt me to find my inner blogger once more and stop being so anti-social - at least in the online community.

Rehearsal and Jackson Boy

2009-05-13T22:36:00.004-05:00

Oh, I have to share this awesome picture that Elaine created for her photo shop class. I love it and her teachers thought it was good enough to be included in their end-of-semester show that they do. She titled it 'Wild Man' cause that is what is on the shirt he is wearing. This photo piece truly captures the essence (and the sticky-out tongue) of my little boy. And that is one reason I haven't blogged in so long. Elaine borrowed my laptop for a few days to do this picture since her new laptop has not arrived yet. But mostly I have just been so busy rehearsing for Hay Fever and running around on the weekends that I have had no interest in sitting down to blog, or even surf the web much when I am actually at home. I apologize for the blog silence(Dad). I promise to do much better when this show opens.

I just got home from rehearsal a few minutes ago. It is 10:30 and we got there at 6:30. And I do want to head to bed soon so this will be a short blog, just to say that I am alive and all is well. Tonight's rehearsal was good, one of the best run-throughs. We had a couple of people watching tonight and that makes such a difference. When the cast is just about ready to open a week and a half before we open it can lead to what I call Stale Cast Syndrome. None of the jokes are funny anymore, nothing seems spontaneous and there is little energy. But add an actual audience, even an audience of two, and viola, the actors remember why they are working so hard and remember to perform instead of phoning it in. Tonight had renewed energy and I can see that it will be a good show. We move into the theatre Monday and open on Friday, May 22nd. Come see the show if you live in Central Texas! Make your reservations here!

Jackson is doing well. He likes to talk. All the time. I can't believe sometimes how much he has to say and how continually he will say it. In the car, he talks non-stop from one place to the next. It is a constant stream of stories and questions and lots of comments about my driving. Today he was telling me not to crash into any cars in front of me or I might "destroy the city." He said that. I might destroy the city. He has also told me to be careful pulling into the garage because I might run into something and damage the house. Then he told me that damage means broke, just in case I didn't understand the word.

He has decided that he is going to be a race car driver and drive a purple race car when he grows up. He offers this information to anyone who will listen. And he likes to ask me what I am going to be when I am grow up. I tell him I am already grown up and that I work at the Palace. He announced to his Dad that he (David) is going to be a singer when he (David) grows up and that Mommy is going to be a worker and that he (Jackson) is going to be a race car driver. Lucky me. They get glamorous jobs and I get to be a worker. Typical.

It is bedtime now. Goodnight!

Trip report number one

2009-05-03T21:20:00.007-05:00

Even though I had a stomach bug that kept me in bed more than I would have liked, I had a really good time in Salem and Boston with Andrea. The weather was gorgeous and there were so many flowers and trees in bloom. And I just love the whole atmosphere up north. I could really see myself living in Massachusetts. If only I wasn't so scared of the winters.

But it is so different there. In Salem, they don't have lights at the crosswalks to tell you when to go and when not to go. When you are walking along the sidewalk and you get to the crosswalk, the cars simply stop and let you go. And the drivers don't even seem at all annoyed at having to do so. They just stop. In Texas you'd get run over by a two-ton pick-up truck and the driver wouldn't even stop to render aid. And the courts would honor him for doing so.

Salem is beautiful and is full of museums and historical sites dedicated to their unsavory history of having hanged a bunch of innocent people for witchcraft on the word of some bored 11 year-olds. There are shops full of arcane paraphernalia and witches weeds (clothes, I discovered, of the robe and skirt variety). Psychic reading and tarot card shops line the streets. And there are cats everywhere. I ran into probably six cats in the 24 hours we were in Salem. A Black cat came right up to us when we were walking around near the House of Seven Gables. It makes sense though. Cats and witches, right? Seems that although the famously hanged witches were not actually witches, Salem has become somewhat of a haven for Wiccans. They have a population numbering in the thousands. Not sure it makes sense, to move to the town notorious for witch hunts, but there you have it. Salem really has witches now and hopefully they go out and taunt the graves of the bastards who killed the innocent ones.

We went on a Ghost tour, with a tour guide in costume, and walked around Salem at night, visiting a cemetery and several haunted houses. Our guide talked about the haunted history of different houses, most having to do with the witch trials. It was cheesy, but fun. And I won a shot glass. The guide gave a prize to the person to answered a question correctly first. The question was "How many people were burned as witches in Salem." The answer is zero since they were all hanged, except the one they 'pressed' or crushed to death. So I won a Salem shot glass. Yay me.

Above is a pic of our tour guide in front of the Clue house. Apparently the Parker Brothers are from Salem. And there was a grisly murder in this mansion that involved the victim being bludgeoned with a wrench and stabbed with a knife. And there was a major court case that argued whether is was the pipe wrench or the candlestick. Turns out the victims daughter was to marry a man her father didn't approve of. So her fiance hired a man to kill him so she would not be cut out of the will. The daughters name? Mrs. White. So the Parker Brothers made a game of the whole thing and we all still play it. It this true? I haven't googled it, but it sure sounded good on the ghost tour.

We stayed in a lovely B&B called the Morning Glory and our host, Bob, was as delightful a man as I have met. Very warm and welcoming. And our room was sweet and comfortable. We talked with him a little and he confessed playing up about the B&B being haunted because he gets a lot of people asking. He says people want to come to Salem and stay in a haunted house. So he says yes if they ask if it is haunted. And he put a creepy kid painting in each room. Cause old paintings of kids are creepy. They just are. He says every once in a while he goes in to clean after a guest leaves and finds the creepy kid picture has been taken down and placed facing the wall so the guest doesn't have to look at it. Funny. Here is the kid painting from our room.

Boston is a gorgeous flowering city that is so pedestrian-friendly. I could really get used to the mixed residential/commercial layouts and the subway. It is unreal to me that you could actually live somewhere like this and not have a car. And not miss it.

We stayed in a gorgeous row house B&B that was not too far from Boston Common and the start of the Freedom Trail. I loved walking the trail and visiting the historic sites and enjoying the weather. Here is Andrea and me on Boston Common just before we headed off to walk the Freedom Trail.

And here is the street our B&B was on in Boston. There was block after block that looked just like this. It was gorgeous. I would love to move there, but would surely be unable to afford this neighborhood. I got the distinct feeling we were in a very expensive area.

More Boston/Salem stories later when I have time. I promise!

2009-04-22T21:50:00.002-05:00

I got the next Palace playbill for Little Shop of Horrors sent off to the printers today and will be spending the rest of the work week getting things ready for opening night next Friday. I will be out all next week so I have some things to get done in advance.

Monday morning early, early, early (6 am)I am flying to Boston with my best friend Andrea. We are going to stay at a B&B in Salem the first night then head into Boston to another B&B. I am getting excited about it and think we are going to have a really great time.

I am going to be sad to go on a trip without David though. I will miss him. I have been thinking about what will be different on a trip with Andrea' than a trip with David. I'll have to carry my own bags for one. But there will be more drinking, I'm sure. David doesn't drink much to speak of, but Andrea' and I have been known to throw back a few (too many). I will also have to be diligent about taking pictures. David usually takes them or prompts me to. So I will have to have the camera at the ready.

I am going to miss my boys. My Dad is coming to stay with David for a few days to take Jackson to and from school and help out. And David will probably take a couple of days off. They will get along just fine, but I will miss them.

And I have to figure out what to pack. Highs in the 60's and 70's. Is that long sleeve weather? Is my leather jacket enough for lows in the 40's & 50's? And then there is the whole shoe question. My feet killed me in D.C. in my boots that were not quite comfy enough. Plus they will probably be too warm. So do I go with sneakers and look dorky and save my feet or shoes that match what I am wearing and hurt? I know, I know. Sneakers and dork-hood. Andrea? What are you bringing to wear? I can't be dorky alone.

This past weekend my Dad came to visit and helped us solve the washer/dryer issue. He brought his truck and we bought new ones. He took the old sort-of-functional ones back with him and is finding homes for them with people who will be happy to have them. And we bought fancy new ones that light up like an airplane cockpit and play songs to you when the laundry is done. And these are not even close to the fanciest ones on the market. But I feel very indulgent when my washer sings me a song to tell me the cycle is done. Jackson thinks they are pretty. He says "these new ones are perfect." He likes that the washer is a front-loader with a window and he can watch the wash cycle. Hours of entertainment, I tell you. Ok. Minutes of entertainment.

Before my Dad left we found a tiny tree seedling growing in the yard under our oak tree. I can't remember seeing a new tree growing in the yard before. I guess conditions have to be right. So we decided to save it, dig it out, pot it and we have been watering it every day. It is Jackson's baby tree.

I know there are more things to talk about - rehearsals and work and such - but it is hard to blog after working all day and then rehearsing (which is going well). All I want to do now is read my book and veg. So that is what I am going to do.

You have got to be kidding...

2009-04-17T22:12:00.004-05:00

Quote from a Kmart commercial I just saw on TV"

"I found these gorgeous Jacklyn Smith sheets that I adore. And the kicker? They're machine washable..."

Um, really? Machine washable sheets? Man, I gotta get me some of those. I've been schlepping mine to the dry cleaners for years. (I guess I should say I've had the maid schlep them to the cleaners for me.)And Jacklyn Smith? Is Jacklyn Smith so designer you wouldn't expect to be able to throw them in the washer? I guess I am out of the fashionable loop then. I had no idea.

And at Kmart? Does Kmart sell sheets that aren't machine washable? Does anybody buy them?

I was also just watching the TLC show "Say Yes to the Dress" which chronicles women choosing wedding gowns at Klienfelds Bridal in NYC, one of the biggest, most popular designer gown salons in the country. And I was watching this woman try on $3 to $6 thousand dollar dresses while wearing a BLACK bra underneath. Really. She is prepared to pay that much money for a gown, is appearing on national TV while trying on these gowns and couldn't be bothered to wear a white undergarment. So a $4k dress looked trailer park on her, as did the $3K dress. Don't most bridal shops have bras and girdles and all of that right there for you to try on with the dresses? They did when I bought my dress. Cause they really want to sell one to you. Cause they are as over-priced as the dresses. They want to sell you a $100 bra to go with it.

I'm so judgemental. I judge them for spending that much on a dress and I judge them for being trailer park while doing it...whatever.

Good news and bad news

2009-04-16T21:10:00.003-05:00

So my mom broke into my house today to do my laundry while I was at work. What a woman. The bad news is that my dryer is broken. It tumbles. And tumbles and tumbles, but the heat is barely there and it takes 2 hours to dry a load of laundry. So my mom ended up taking some of my stuff home with her to do. I feel so lazy. My mom came, stole my laundry and will bring it back tomorrow clean. I have to call around and fine someone to come see if my dryer can be fixed. But at least I will have some clean underpants while I work on that. Thanks mom.

Everything happens for a reason.

2009-04-14T21:28:00.003-05:00

I have been putting off the laundry. This is nothing new. I hate doing the laundry. There is nothing I like about it - wait, I like it when it is finished. That is all. Usually I let the clothing bins in my closet get full-to-bursting. Then when the small room starts to smell like dirty socks, I know it is time to do the laundry.

It is almost that time. Today I spent a full minute digging around in my unmentionables drawer looking for a clean pair of underpants. I knew there had to be one more in there somewhere, (please don't let me be out of underpants, I thought). And there at the bottom of the drawer, winking at me prettily, was the gorgeous peridot earring that I had lost months ago. I knew it was in my closet somewhere, I dropped it while standing there by the dresser in the closet and I could not find it anywhere. I have been over the floor with a flashlight on hands and knees, I have dug in all the drawers looking and always giving up saying "I'll find it at some point." Today was the day. So there. Everything really does happen for a reason. I put off the laundry, letting my top drawer get dangerously low on unmentionables and voila, I found my precious earring.

BTW, my mom is coming over on Friday to play with Jackson while I am at work. If I can only find enough underpants to get me through the week, I bet she will do a couple of loads for me while I am out. Mom loves laundry and she always looks for a load to do while she is here. Is is wrong to hold out, knowing she is coming over?

Yes, I am sure it is. But I am going to do it anyway. Thanks Mom.

I have been going through a blogger depression lately. I just haven't felt like writing. I have been sick for a week, lost my voice, cursed my sinuses and am now feeling human again. And I have had so many doctors appointments in the last month, I am tired of it all. I just haven't wanted to write anymore about blood draws and new meds and all the other stuff involved in trying to get my health and my life back in line post cancer. And the bills and their errors that I spend time on the phone sorting out. I guess I didn't want to get on here and complain. I heard it said once that bloggers complain a lot. And I don't want to be like that.

So here are a few Jackson gems. A few days ago Jackson broke a glass tea candle holder. I have no idea how, I was in the kitchen and he came in from the living room holding the broken glass and shards. "I broke this, mama," he said. So I quickly had him throw the glass away and rinsed his hands to get the small bits off. But I must have missed the fact that he was cut a tiny bit, because he came back in a few minutes later with blood smeared on his hands. "Mama, what is all this red stuff," he asked. It occurred to me he has rarely bled in his 3 1/2 years. Is this a testament to my mothering skills that my son doesn't know what blood is and isn't addicted to band aids?

Jackson has also taken to telling me funny jokes. He says they are funny jokes not me. Here is an example:

Jackson: Mama, I'm gonna tell you a funny joke.
Me: Ok, go ahead.
Jackson: What do you pick off trees and put in a basket?
Me: What?
Jackson: Fruit hahahahahahaha

He doesn't know you aren't supposed to laugh at your own joke. I am pretty sure he makes these up as he goes along. Usually they are about cars. "What drives on the road and crashes into a tree? Cars! Hahahahahaha! Comedians, I swear.

Rehearsals are going well for Hay Fever. I am busy 4 or 5 days a week after work. I get home, quickly fix something to eat, drive to austin by 6:30 and come home just before 10. (And did I mention my sinus infection and loss of voice for 3 days? So don't give me any crap about the laundry, ok?)

Speaking of me not speaking for a few days, I have to say that my husband is so sweet. Instead of being happy not to have to hear my voice as would be the expected husbandly response, he kept telling me how much it sucked not to have anyone to talk to and that the house was all "quiet and sad" and that he hated me not being able to talk. Such a sweetheart. And he even forgives the laundry monster threatening to take over our closet. (Can you see I am unable to stop thinking about the laundry that I really, really don't want to do, but desperately need to?)

Pump It Up and Fortified Fort

2009-04-05T21:23:00.005-05:00

Another busy weekend has gone by and we at the Sray house are worn out. Friday night was date night. We went to see Grease at the Palace again and had a good time, but stayed up too late.

Saturday we got up and went to a 10 am birthday party at Pump It Up, the mother of all jumpy-thing places. Wow this place was big. Nearly two story inflatable slides and inflatable obstacle courses that were too difficult for Jackson and taxing for mommy. He is too little, I am just out of shape.

I did go down the big slide with Jackson though. And David went down a bunch. And fun was had by all.

Of course now I am worried that now that Jackson has attended one of these kick-ass birthday parties he will no longer be satisfied by our annual cake-and-grandparents parties. Is he going to think we are lame if we don't rent the Jump Zone or something like that? I wanted to hold off on that kind of party till he was at least 8 or 9. Hopefully I still can.

On Saturday evening I spoke as the Chemo Queen at the Round Rock Relay for life during the survivors dinner. I stopped by Ramona's costume shop on the way home from the B-day party and picked up the red gown I love to wear when I speak and dug out the sash and tiara. I was nervous of course, I always am. I always doubt that people will be interested in what I have to say. I know I have an interesting story, but in a room full of survivors, we all have an interesting story and who am I to get up and single myself out? But I go up anyway in my silly get-up and talk and afterwards the outpouring of support I get from these people who know a little about what I have been through is awesome. Hugs and handshakes and just so much friendship; it is incredible. And later, out on the field, I took pictures with anyone who wanted to tell their friends about the chemo queen. This is a cell phone pic that Andrea took at the dinner.

As usual, David was an incredibly good sport, wrangling Jackson during my speech and walking with him around the track with all the people when Jackson wanted to. Taking him to the bathroom and simply being cool and supportive.

We only stayed till about 10:00. Relay is an all night event with people walking the track all night, but with a small child and a ball gown, I just can't hang all night. Maybe next year I can plan on it. Take a tent out there like other people do. Could be fun to have a real team and really relay.

Today I had rehearsal in the afternoon and David's parents came over to help finish the play scape. When I came home they had the roof nearly complete and looking great. So Fort Jackson is complete and fortified - staked to the ground. We had a good dinner and now I am blogging and listening to my not-quite-sleeping some sing and chatter in his bed. Every few minutes he yells really loudly, "Mommy, I love you! Do you love me?" And then I have to yell back, "Yes, I love you too. Go to sleep please!"

After such a busy weekend (or week-end as they say in the British play I am doing) I am ready for a hot bath, a glass of wine and my bed.

April Fools Brilliance

2009-04-01T22:22:00.003-05:00

Noah died in December. I wrote a little about him then; an Australian teenager with a brilliant and sardonic wit trapped in a slowly rotting cancerous body. I interacted with him briefly on Planet Cancer - the myspace/facebook for young people with cancer. His death really saddened so many of us. We mourned our loss of him while at the same time recognizing that he wasn't stuck in that painful existence any more.

He got us today though. I logged on to Planet Cancer and in the blog rolls it showed his instantly recognizable icon (black scribbled lines instead of a picture)with a brand new blog titled "I'm Alive, I'm Alive!"

Impossible, I thought. WTF? So I clicked to open the blog and there is was. A new blog from Noah. Written in November and post dated for April 1st to be a brilliant joke on the rest of us. He said:

"April Fools'! Oh come on, why else would they let us date blogs in the future?"

He thanked everyone on Planet Cancer for being around for him and sharing the sucky experience that is cancer. And then he finished by saying:

"Don’t be sad. I’m glad it’s over. Peace."

I hope he is at peace.

And I am wondering if we will get a Christmas card in December.

The Health Museum and Fort Jackson

2009-03-30T20:44:00.007-05:00

I have been pretty busy lately and have been too tired and/or lazy to blog about it all. For instance, I visited my sister and her boys a few weeks ago and never blogged about the cool museum we went to. So after unloading some pics from my camera I decided to post several to just show what we have been up to.

We visited Jenni on a rainy, rainy weekend early March and had planned to go to the newly renovated and reopened Houston Children's Museum. But when we got to the museum district we saw that the line to get into the Children's Museum was around the stinking block from the entrance. They had just reopened and were having a no-entrance-fee Saturday so the entire city was there. We decided to visit another museum in the area, the Natural History Museum, but found that other people must have decided the same thing because the lines there were also huge and intimidating. Instead we decided to hike through the rain and puddles over to the Health Museum. No one wants to visit the health museum, right? Right. It was not busy. But it was cool. Check out the huge game of Operation! How cool is that?

And they had a body you could tour. Like you walk into the guy's mouth and then through the stomach, etc. Jackson had fun in there, he liked sitting on the molars. He enjoyed it until we got into the brain section and there were all these electric currents and a huge eye sitting there looking at him. That kind of freaked him out. More than kind of. We retreated into a side room to get away from the eye, only to find a wall of life-sized fetuses. Sounds sick, but it was a cool look at the development of a baby from fertilized egg to term. But imagine leaving the brain/eye trippy room and entering the hall of fetuses and you can imagine why we quickly retreated to the huge Operation game. That was truly cool.

This weekend my Dad came to town and we spent many, many hours building a swingset/playscape in my backyard. We didn't realize when we bought it how many hundreds of pieces of wood and thousands of screws and bolts and pieces it was in. Man. The directions said it would take two people 8-10 hours to put together. I am pretty sure we overshot that. Half of Saturday and most of Sunday and we are still not quite done with the roof. And we need to dig out from under one of the legs so it doesn't tilt quite so much. But it is swingable and slideable at least and Jackson loves it. When we quit for the night on Sunday he kept begging us not to put his swingset away. Heh. As if we could. Here is the almost finished product. We are calling it Fort Jackson. It will be nicer once it gets a roof. But we ran out of sunshine, energy and weekend.

Before we started on the fort, we stopped by our local bank to deposit a check and they were having a freebie day. All kinds of crap with Compass written all over it, free pizza, radio station remote - all that stuff. But the cool thing was the clown lady painting faces. Jackson has always refused to have his face painted before, but this time she suggested she make him look like a kitty and he agreed that he'd like to be a purple kitty. I got a picture quickly cause I knew it wouldn't last. And as I expected, he hated the stuff on his face and we had to immediately go to the bathroom to wash it off. He kept saying he didn't want to be a kitty forever. "I want to be a boy, not a kitty!" Funny child.

I went back to the pulmonologist today to get the results from my tests from last week and there was good and not so good news. My heart looks good, he said. Functioning fine even though it beats a little off now and then. But my lung function tests showed that I am not moving air in and out of my lungs as well as I should be. He called it Hyperactive airway disease. Which googling shows is the description of a group of disorders, including asthma. He didn't say I have asthma though this is probably asthma-like. He prescribed singulair and advair and I have to stay on my allegra. We will do all these meds at first to see if we can get it under control, then cut back on them to see if I can get by on less. I hope that is the case, cause I would rather not be on all kinds of drugs forever. Though if they help me breath, I guess I will do it.

I got home to a bill from the radiologist for $500 more than my insurance company said they could bill me. So here we go again. Procedures, followed by hours spent on hold trying to get the billing errors taken care of. Sigh. I know, at least I have insurance.

On a fun note, I booked a Bed and Breakfast in Boston for me and Andrea'. Have I mentioned that Andrea' and I are going to Boston at the end of April? Well we are! Four days of checking out Boston and Salem, Mass. I will miss Jackson and David, but I sure am looking forward to getting away with my best friend. I know we will have a good time. And get this, the B&B is called Encore and it is a modernly decorated row house in the historic South End with decor and rooms named for playwrights. We are in the Sondheim Room. I can't wait!

I start rehearsals for Hay Fever on Wednesday. I am excited and ready to get back out there and into a show.

Tests

2009-03-25T21:32:00.003-05:00

I had my echocardiogram and my pulmonary function tests today. I was only scheduled to do the echo today and I was supposed to do the pulmonology test tomorrow but when I got there they decided they could do both today so I don't have to go back. That was nice.

The echo was easy, I just had to lay there and let them do an ultrasound on my heart. Luckily I got a lady tech. I was sure I would have to lay there bare chested while some twenty-something cool guy did the procedure. But I was spared that indignity. The chick did put one of the ekg sticker thingies right on the scar from my port. And taking that off did not feel good. But it was smooth all in all.

The pulmonary test was not so easy. You have to sit in this glass box contraption and breath into a machine in different rhythms - blow out hard and fast, now slow and hold it, pant, do it again closed up in the box, etc. Then they gave me a nebulizer treatment of albuterol and did the tests again. Albuterol makes me shaky, jumpy and wired. And it took a few hours to feel somewhat normal again. And doing that much heavy breathing is tiring. I am really glad that is done. I will meet with the pulmonologist on Monday to get the results of the tests.

Jackson played at Kid Space for an hour this afternoon and when I asked him who he played with we had the following conversation:

Jackson: I played with Maddy who is black all over. Some people are black all
over and some people aren't.
Me:Uh huh, that's right, but we are all the same on the inside.
Jackson: Inside where your feelings are?
Me: Yup.

Then he changed the subject. This was our first conversation about race and I wasn't sure what else if anything to say at this point. I am really glad that Kid Space always has a mix of kids there giving him the opportunity to play with kids of all different colors and backgrounds. So I don't know if I should be saying or doing anything else at this point, but I guess that is a good beginning. He of course notices that people look different, but doesn't seem to care. Awesome.

Jackson is nicer than me.

2009-03-21T19:16:00.003-05:00

Yesterday as I was driving an asshole cut me off on the highway. Instinct kicked in and I yelled at the other driver, as if he could hear me, "You suck, mister!" Jackson was intrigued.

HIM: Who sucks mama?
ME: That guy in the white car who just cut me off. He sucks.
HIM: He doesn't suck, mama. He just wanted to pass you. That's all.

My son is more moral and/or pragmatic than I am.

I have appointments next week for the echo of my heart and the lung function testing. Though I am sure it will be tedious, I am glad to get them done. Hopefully they can rule out everything serious and figure out a treatment plan to get me breathing better.

And that can't be soon enough because I have been feeling like a lump on the couch lately. Have put on a couple of pounds and can feel my body crying out for some exercise. Seriously, I feel like doing some crunches and exercising my arms and legs. Only I get so worked up without much exertion, heart pounding and breathing heavy, that I feel I need to wait to get doc permission to exercise. So maybe after next week and can make an effort to, well, make an effort and get my ass off the couch.

Is it the heart or the lungs? Or both?

2009-03-17T20:13:00.003-05:00

The pulmonologist I met with today was really nice and very thorough. He had my recent scans, looked up my old scans and x-rays from July 07 when I was a raging cancer incubator, and had an overview of my story before he ever came in the room. And he had a pleasant bedside manner to boot. He listened to my complaints and asked questions and did an exam on me that seemed pretty thorough.

We learned a few things in the appointment. One is that there is residual damage in my right lung. Nothing catastrophic pictorially. Some narrowed airways and scarring, but nothing crazy. The other thing is that my heart isn't beating normally. It skips and dances a little bit. He said it was musical. I am not terribly surprised by that since I have lots of palpitations that go along with my shortness of breath. This could be a combination lung/heart problem. We have to do some test to figure that out.

He ordered an echo cardiogram which will check for heart damage and look at my valves and such. Also a pulmonary function test before and after albuterol treatment to check my lung function. The hospital will call me tomorrow probably to schedule these tests and I go back to this doc in two weeks to follow up and get a treatment plan.

So here we go.

At least I am helping to prop up the health care economy. I am expecting a $600 bill for my Feb PET scan and though I am not sure, an echo cardiogram doesn't sound cheap. Does it? Oh well. It must be done. I am grateful for the insurance.

Mom went to the appointment with me and afterwards we took Jackson to the park. It was such a beautiful day and he had a really good time throwing rocks in the river.

He has been spending a ton of time in my bed at night. He comes in at some point and doesn't want to leave. Then I get him to go back to his bed only to have him come back half and hour later. It makes it difficult to sleep, especially when I have such a hard time sleeping anyway. My breathing is worse when I am laying down. So last night at bedtime we had a discussion about how I need him to stay in his bed till morning. He said, "But mommy, your bed is cozy." Which made me laugh and want to invite him in my cozy bed whenever he want to come. But we need our sleep, all of us. I will be content if I can get him down to an occasional visit and get him to go back to his bed when I ask him to. I don't want him to think he can't come in if he has a bad dream or needs me for some reason.

Last night when he went to bed he said, "Mommy, I promise to stay in my bed all night." And he did. He didn't come in at all. He knows it is time to get up when his daddy gets up and gets in the shower to get ready for work. But David didn't go to work today, he worked from home. So around 7:00 this morning I heard the door of my bedroom open and then close after a few seconds. Jackson had come to see if his daddy was up and when he saw that he wasn't, he went back to his bed. He was checking to see if he could get up yet. I got up and asked him if he wanted to come get in bed with me since it was morning now. So he did get to cuddle in my bed for a little while but he didn't spend half the night there keeping us awake. He says he will do the same tonight. I hope it is this easy. Just a discussion and his behavior changes. Nice. Knock on wood.

The pope sucks.

2009-03-17T11:23:00.003-05:00

Dear The pope,

Jesus would say, 'Use a condom, man. It may just save your life." Fuck you. (I said that last part, not Jesus.)

Read this BS.

A new show, a visit and a stew

2009-03-13T16:29:00.002-05:00

I have been pretty busy lately. I auditioned for a show on Tuesday, Hay Fever with North by Northwest Theatre Company in Austin, and I got cast along with some wildly talented local actors. I am so excited to be doing a show with such an awesome group of people. We start rehearsals April 1st and I am really looking forward to getting back out there.

I finished the Grease playbill and got it sent off to the printer yesterday. It was a big undertaking, but we got the pages laid out with headshots of all the actors included. This will make our patrons happy, they can put a face to the names and the word is they are excited about that. It is also a little extra recognition for our actors who work so hard for a couple of comps and some stage time. The only downside is that I had to cut the bios shorter than usual. So if you are in Grease and are reading this, sorry I cut the crap out of your bio, but with 27 of you to fit into four pages I didn't have much of a choice. I tried to keep all of your basic sentiments, though. If you thanked your mother, it is in there. But if you once played a rock in the elementary school play, it probably isn't.

I am currently packing a bag for me and Jackson. He and I are driving to my sister's house when David gets home from work. We are going to spend the weekend there. Jen and I will probably veg and hang out and her boys and mine will probably make a lot of noise and destroy her house. And since it is wet, there will probably be some mud tracking to do. I am looking forward to it, since I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving, I think. And the boys sure love to play together. They are all excited and I suspect none of them will sleep tonight.

My posts about my breathing issues have gotten some of you really worried and I apologize about that. I didn't mean to make you think I am about to pass out from lack of air or keel over or anything. My lungs are just irritated and I am coughing all the time. The shortness of breath is a little better the last few days, but the wheezing and coughing kinda sucks. But I have my appointment with the lung doctor next week and we will see if they can help me out a little. No worries. I am fine. Better than last week for sure.

Last night I went to a play at the Hyde Park Theatre. They were kind enough to donate tickets to Planet Cancer and I went with a group of young cancer survivors. Andrea went as my date and we had a really good time. The play was Bombs In Your Mouth, the kind of contemporary play that drops a lot of F bombs and doesn't care what you think if they do. I find it refreshing sometimes to attend such plays. I have almost always worked in theatres that have a patron-base over the age of 60. And exist in Williamson County. We have to carefully guard our subject matter and language so as not to drive off the people in this area. Many Austin theatre companies don't have to do that. They can perform whatever piece they want, using whatever language they please and have people 18 to 40 years old make up the bulk of their audience and eff you if you don't like it. I enjoy that from time to time.

Of course, they probably don't have a renovation debt of half a million dollars and a $700k yearly operating budget and 300 seats to fill to keep the doors open. So our considerations are not theirs. We do a different kind of theatre. Georgetown is not Austin.

I'm getting hungry. I have a beef stew in the crock pot that has been cooking all day. It smells really good. It smelled good at noon before Jackson and I went to work. When I was getting him dressed he asked me, "Mom, what is that smell in the kitchen." I said it was dinner. "Does it smell good," I asked. "MmmHmmm..." he said. Hopefully it tastes as good as it smells. I hear David coming home a bit early from work so we will soon be able to taste it.

Pulmonology and Mouth Sores

2009-03-09T22:51:00.003-05:00

Poor Jackson has two mouth ulcers in his gums that are really bothering him. Thankfully (or not) we have the medicine cabinet of a chemo patient. Which means that I have probably six different medications/treatments for mouth sores. I have viscous lidocaine and mouth rinses and dental pastes and peroxide cleansers. But he doesn't want me to get in there, doesn't want to let me see. Which is understandable, since it hurts. But I got him to open up and let me put some of the dental paste directly on the sores at bedtime. But it tastes a little funny and kinda forms a little barrier that he could feel and it freaked him out and made him cry "I can't move my tongue, mommy." It was very sad. But after a sip of water and a good cry he calmed down and fell asleep.

When I talked to my oncologist last week about my breathing issues, he said I should see a pulmonologist and that there was one in the same building. I have been meaning to look into it since I can't fricken breath, but today I got a call from the pulmonology office. I guess Dr. George sent them some of my records and asked them to call me to make an appt. So I will go in next Tuesday to see about my breathing. I sure hope they can help me. I have been getting short of breath off and on for some time and my allergies really exacerbate things and I end up not being able to sleep because I can't breath. I wake up in the night and have to sit up because of it sometimes. But my CT/PET scan was clear of cancer. So that is not the problem. Hopefully they can come up with a way to get my lung(s) working better. I can't say I am looking forward to more test and doctors, but I guess if I want more air I have to stop pretending there isn't a problem and go get looked at.

lethargy

2009-03-08T20:48:00.003-05:00

I am really low-energy lately. Unmotivated. I force myself to do some of the piled-up laundry and pick up around the house a little. I just don't want to get up off the couch and do anything. I am wondering if the fact that this cold I had settled itself deeply in my lungs and I can't breath well, has something to do with it. I have no fever. My nose is cleared up, but I do have this lovely spasmey cough. I got an inhaler from my doc, and it does help. But it makes me high and shaky and less likely to get up off of the couch.

I talked to Dr.George about my lungs and breathing issues at my appt last week. My scans are clear, so I don't have any obvious lymphoma activity causing my lungs grief. But whenever my allergies act up or I get a cold, and sometimes for no reason, I will feel short of breath. And it makes me tired.

I will probably make an appt with a lung specialist to see if some residual damage/scar tissue in there has made me asthmatic. Dr. George said it was a possibility.

I am ready to not be so lethargic for sure. I'm tired of being tired.

What does your kid say about you?

2009-03-05T22:38:00.004-06:00

This has been going around facebook and I thought it would be interesting to see how Jackson would answer these questions even if he is a little young at 3 1/2 to understand some of them. It was pretty funny and he had a good time. He wanted more questions about me and then he wanted me to ask him questions about him. Here is some of the responses I got.

1.What is something mom always says to you?
Don’t play with glass things.

2. What makes mom happy?
kisses

3. What makes mom sad?
Hitting

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
Silly faces (I rarely make silly faces : )

5. What was your mom like as a child?
(I skipped this one)

6. How old is your mom?
four

7. How tall is your mom?
seven legs high

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
feeding her baby (He means himself. He often asks me, "Mom, do you think I'm your baby boy?")

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Find me! (It is all about him. If he isn't around, obviously I must be looking for him.)

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
(skipped this one)

11. What is your mom really good at?
Helping her baby clean up

12. What is your mom not very good at?
Opening cars at Target (Is it my fault that effen toy packages are effen impossible to get into without a chainsaw?)

13. What does your mom do for a job?
Cook

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
Broccoli & cheese (I don't know what he is talking about...)

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
ME. (Maybe he thought I meant what is your mom proud of.)

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Mickey Mouse

17. What do you and your mom do together?
Help clean up (Together is a relative term in little boy world. He means I do most of it while attempting to get him to help while he complains, "I'm tired of cleaning up.")

18. How are you and your mom the same?
blank stare

19. How are you and your mom different?
blank stare

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
by giving kisses

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
Me (huh? I asked this one twice and got the same answer.)

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
my house

Very entertaining conversation. I will have to do this again in six months or a year and see how his answers change. It was a lot of fun.

Colds suck.

2009-03-03T21:06:00.004-06:00

I'm not feeling well. Just a cold. Using up tissues. Lots of fun.

I have had a little whirlwind of medical activity here lately. The day before my scan I went in for a blood test just to make sure I wasn't pregnant. I didn't want to nuke any potential offspring. Then I had the scan which was a day and a half of yuck. My results came back clear again, btw. No evidence of cancer. Then yesterday I had a filling replaced which was a great deal of fun as you can imagine. I had fat-numb-face most of the day and it wore off just in time to be sore for dinner time.

Today I have a cold. Achy. Tomorrow morning I have an exam with my oncologist with more bloodwork. Though I am doctored out right now, perhaps my onc will refill my allergy meds and prescribe an inhaler for me since I have been having lung issues lately.

I'm sure you all want to hear me complain about not feeling well. Especially when I was just given the gift of a clear scan. But what-the-hell. I don't feel well and my breathing has been an issue lately. Makes me tired and low-energy. And cranky, I guess.

Though I will talk about something that makes me happy. Being busy at work working on a challenging playbill. Grease opens March 20th and this playbill is a doozy. We are starting a pilot project of adding headshots to the actors' bio section. This means reworking the pages so they all fit within the allotted number and all kinds of shuffling. I spent most of the day on it today and I just enjoy being busy and thinking about how things should fit and solving these little problems. I really enjoy working at the Palace even when things get crazy and tedious. I enjoy the volunteers and my co-workers and am so grateful to be working in theatre.

When we were leaving work today we went through the auditorium to go out the back door. Jackson asked me if he could get on the stage. He said he wanted to dance and sing to the people. So I sent him out onto the stage and told him to go for it. Of course he got all shy and wouldn't perform. He looked out into the empty seats and said "There's no one there. I can't sing now." I offered to sit in the audience for him but he instead said that I should sing and dance while he sat in the audience. He climbed into a seat and I did a quick little silly dance and told him it was time to go. I should have played more with him then, but blame it on my runny nose, ok? On the way out he said that next time there is a show and all the people came in to sit in the seats and in the seats upstairs that he would sing and dance on the stage. Funny boy. I am going to gather volunteers up one day, sit them down in the theatre and see if he will go up and do something for us. I won't hold my breath, but I love that he understands what goes on where we work.

Ha, I just had a terribly thought. I am watching that crack-addiction-slash-child-abuse TV show Toddlers and Tiaras and saw the brief appearance of a little boy in the competition. Perhaps Jackson's future lies in the Chitlin Pageant or the Kentucky Southern Celebrity Pageant. Ok. Or not. Considering his performance in Kinderdance last summer I am not sure he is a fit. Not sure if they have a race car category.

Where do your keep your love?

2009-03-01T20:24:00.004-06:00

Jackson and I were sitting on the couch. I had my arm around him and we had this conversation.

Him: Mama, is this love we are having?
Me: Yes it is.
Him: Can I have some more?
Me: yup (I gave him a kiss.)
Him: I have some more for you. I have more love for you inside me. Here you go. (He kissed me.)
Me: You do? Where do you keep it?
Him: Here in my brain. I'll get some more for you.

He poked the top of his head with his finger like he was punching a button, made a whoosh noise and kissed me again. Cute.

I survived, pretty much.

2009-02-26T19:15:00.002-06:00

Well I made it through the day without eating and made it through the scan. They were running late and I didn't get out of there till 5. Then I ate too much at La Margarita and that combined with the stress of the day has left me feeling pretty awful. I am really beat with a stomach ache. But I am glad it is over. Hopefully I will hear the results on Monday.

David and I were beat last night and went to bed early. Jackson wasn't quite asleep and saw that we went to bed. So of course he had to come into our room to weasel his way into our bed. We heard him coming up the hall, hesitate at the door and slowly open it. Then a voice:

JACKSON: Guys, how is your sleep going?
DAVID: Get back in your bed, Jackson.
JACKSON: I was just checking on you...

Scan Hunger

2009-02-25T19:30:00.003-06:00

I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I have a PET scan which is tedious. Which means that my diet has been limited to protein since noon today and my dinner of a ham and cheese omelet isn't cutting it. Did you know that nearly all snack food is carbs and/or sugar? Sigh. I am hungry and can't stand to eat anymore eggs and cheese.

Tomorrow my arrival time at the radiology center isn't until 2:15. Table time at 3:30. Scan takes about 40 minutes. So I won't get out of there till 4:30 if they are running on time. And I can't eat til after the scan. I can have water. I do get to have about a half gallon of barium when I arrive at 2:15. Yummy.

All of this in hopes that the scan will find nothing.

Grrr. I get testy when I am hungry. I'm complaining. I'll stop.

Jackson is a funny boy. He was feeling a little needy this afternoon, probably reacting to the fact that I am hungry and cranky. I was sitting on my couch as I often do when I get home from work and instead of coming to sit with me as he usually does, he went and sat on the other couch and wanted me to come sit with him. I told him his spot was right over here waiting for him. He said "No there is room right over here for you." Then he sat there crying a little saying "I want my love. I need my love." I told him "I have it Jackson, it is right over here, come get it." So he did. Came and climbed in my lap to get his love.

Shit, damn, fark, I am hungry. I want a bowl of cereal or a piece of peanut butter toast. I hate PET scan starvation.

No subject really

2009-02-21T21:37:00.003-06:00

Today was kind of a busy day. I went to a baby shower and to a reading from there. The baby shower was nice. No silly games, just good conversation and baby gifts. Just the way I like em.

From there I went to the reading of Hay Fever I mentioned a few weeks ago. I dusted off my British accent after a few years of not using it and I did pretty well. I always get self-conscious about it at first, listening to the way the other people sound, what they are doing. And in this instance we had a bona fide English Actor reading with us; a somewhat well-known lady in Austin Theatre, so I was definitely wanting to get it right. But I shouldn't have worried. I fell back into it quickly and had a really good time. In fact during the break this British actor told me that I had a really good accent and wanted to know where I have worked on it. I wasn't sure what to answer since I haven't trained on accents anywhere, I have just done several shows requiring one and I seem to have an ear for it. But it felt good for her to ask. This is the second time a British actor has given me accent kudos. When I did The Importance of Being Earnest several years ago, Our Lady Bracknell was British and told me that I had the best accent she had ever heard on an American actor. I was blown away by that because I always feel like I am not doing enough, being big enough, that I am too subtle. But with these kudos from people who know it really gives me confidence to be gentle with it, just let it come naturally and not push it to hard. Unless you are reading Monty Python.

David and I went to see Shadow Box last night. My friends in the NxNW Theatre company produced it. I had a few people seem interested in my reaction to a play about terminally ill people and their relationships. But it didn't really affect me in a personal way like you would expect. Mostly because it is kind of old hat to me. I have explored those themes in my own head, in my own family for a year and a half. So seeing them onstage was not traumatic to me. Especially since all they did was explore the issues of dying and living while dying. No one died on stage. There were no children crying for their parents. So it didn't kick my emotional ass. I enjoyed the play.

I know I have more DC blogging to do. And I will get to it soon. Maybe tomorrow. Or maybe not. David and I are going to a program at Wellspring Church, where Jackson goes to school. They are having a celebration of African American History Month in song and will be hosting 4 or 5 different choirs. Since David will be directing Big River this spring/summer we thought that would be a good opportunity to scope out some singers and invite them to auditions. Plus I hope to hear some good music.

Things from the Smithsonian and stuff

2009-02-19T21:28:00.010-06:00

We went through nearly every exhibit in the American History Museum. Here are some highlights and pics.

I think my feet are the same size as Judy Garland's cause the ruby slippers would totally fit me. They wouldn't take them out of the case for me to try them on though. Sunsabitches.

I would also like to wear Grace Coolidge's flapper gown. Grace was apparently a cool lady and very fashinable. I for one would love to see Michelle Obama wear something like this to a State Dinner. That would rock!

I admit being fascinated with historical clothing. But you have to admit this is really cool. They have George Washington's dress suit. That is cool in and of itself, but when it is encased next to this painting:

In which he is wearing it. That is cool. He was painted wearing this suit more than once. Apparently he trotted it out for formal ceremonies and such when he was General.

Lest you think I was only there for the clothes, I took a picture of one of the most moving things I saw in DC. They had an exhibit showing things that people have left at the Vietnam Wall. I read the notes and letters, looked at the gifts and token and openly wept. Tried not to, but couldn't help it. So many young lives lost and so many people left behind to grieve for them. The card next to the can of Colt 45 says "Hey Bro, here's the beer I owe you 24 years late. You were right, I did make it back to the world. Great seeing you again. Sorry not to be with you, but I'll be along soon. Thanx, Sarge

The big deal at the American History Museum this weekend though was a special exhibit showcasing Abraham Lincoln's life and death in honor of his 200th birthday. They have his top hat. It was his favorite hat. It has the mourning band - a black silk ribbon - that he put on it the hat when his son died and he never took it off. And it was the hat he wore to Ford's Theatre. They have this hat in the Smithsonian as well as the cuff of a lady who cradled his head when he was shot. There were spots of blood on her cuff and she preserved it. Kinda chilling to see, made it feel very real and not just a legend.

Ford's Theatre has reopened recently after having undergone major renovations. The original interior of the theatre collapsed in 1893 while it was being used as an office building. They call the interior of the theatre a replica. It is perfectly restored to the way it looked when Lincoln uttered his final guffaw at a laugh line that isn't funny anymore. We got to go in and they miraculously allow photos. This is the box where Abe and Mary sat with their friends.

This is from the audience looking at the stage. The American flag you see in the corner is the flag hanging from the presidential box. You can see that the box sits right over the stage so it really wasn't too hard for John Wilkes Booth to jump from it onto the stage after shooting Lincoln. All of this is discussed so factually, so forensically. It is easy to forget these were real people and history is not a story.

But being there, sitting in the theatre, then traveling across the street to the tiny boarding house where he died really changed that for me. I am glad I was able to tour these sites.

I love the history of DC and the Smithsonian. But I also really enjoyed seeing the Hope Diamond.

And the jewels Napoleon gave Josephine.

And I have requested this little bauble for my birthday.

David and I had a really good time in DC. But we certainly wear ourselves out. We don't relax on vacation. We keep going attempting to see as much as we can. We aren't the sit on the beach kind. We are the rub each others feet after abusing them for three days kind. Some day maybe we should go on a cruse and sit around and read and chill. But there are so many museums out there to see and cities to visit.
This is our self-portrait the third morning we were in DC. I though it captured our contented exhaustion pretty well.

I'm done for tonight, but I still have to write about our visits to the Kennedy Center and Arlington National Cemetery. So more to come when I get back to it...

So DC, yeah. It was awesome.

2009-02-17T20:40:00.006-06:00

DC was gorgeous; cold and crisp, but mostly sunny. In 3 1/2 days we managed to see a lot of the things we wanted to see. Thursday night, after we checked into the hotel, we met a tour bus a few blocks away and got to see most of the monuments by night. Jefferson, Lincoln, Korean War, Vietnam War, Iwo Jima, and World War II monuments were stops on the tour and it was an awesome way to see them. Luckily it wasn't too cold.

Last week was the 200th anniversary of Lincoln's birth, and they had all kinds of fresh-flower wreaths around his statue. I don't know if those are always there, but I think that they, along with the flowers and birthday cards were there for his birthday.

We also stopped to loiter around the gates of the White House, hoping they'd see us and invite us in for some hot chocolate. They didn't but we decided not to hold it against them.

The next morning we met up with an intern from our local House Rep's office and went on a tour of the Capitol building. They have a new underground visitor's center there which serves to lengthen the tour since there are not all that many places you are allowed to visit in the building. This pic of us is in the main hall of the visitors center - they call it Constitution Hall.

Our tour guide was a Texas Tech student who arrived in DC in Mid-January. She was friendly and expertly coiffed. But not very well informed. We were her first tour and though I don't hold it against her that she wasn't exactly confident with where she was going, I did have to laugh at her narration. She carried a binder with tour information to refer to. Which is fine. But it kind of went like this. "That is a painting of like, George Washington, like resigning his commission and stuff." I am NOT exaggerating. She could not even begin to fake it. Luckily, David and I had read up a little on DC and knew pretty much what we were looking at. I even ended up telling her a few things. Nice young lady though. I am sure she will get better with the tours after a few months. She just needs to study and then fake it, fake it, fake it.

One funny moment in our tour was when we passed the hallway to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's office. She was walking by and the three college girls there started screaming as if it were Elvis or the Beatles. I kid you not. They got her to pose for a picture and then started jumping up and down screaming. Nancy got out of there pretty quickly and I don't blame her. Girls with no dignity acting like nitwits making our gender look silly.

We got passes from our Rep's office to sit in the Gallery while the House was in session and we had to wait in line and go through more security to get in. But it was worth it. We stayed for maybe 20 minutes and listened to the House debate the stimulus package. There were definitely not that many reps there and listening to them back and forth talk up and then trash talk the legislation and each other made me a little sad. So many people drowning out here and these guys are not listening to each other and no one is convincing anyone of anything. Their minds are made up. Why do they bother debating it, they may as well just vote. I actually could have sat there all day listening to them though because the process is so fascinating to me. It was hard to realize that right in front of me were the people, mostly old white men, who were deciding what to do about our national economy. And right or wrong, whatever they decide on will effect the lives of people they will never meet, never hear about or know. What they were doing was so terribly important. Yes, I could have sat there for hours. But we had things to do and see in limited time. So we tore ourselves away.

After the capitol we had a good lunch in the House of Representatives cafeteria and headed over to the Supreme Court Building.

We got to go in to the court room and sit down to listen to a young clerk give a little lecture about how things work in the room, who sits where traditionally and such. It was pretty cool. We couldn't take pic in the courtroom, but we got some in the hall. The ceilings are gorgeous in the building. Colorful.

After the lecture, we came out to find one of the security guards holding his newborn. I couldn't resist asking to take his picture, they were so cute.

Then we started on the Smithsonian with the American History Museum - my primary objective in DC. We saw so much there! But it is getting late and I don't want to hurry this. So I will stop here for now and blog some more tomorrow.

Funnies

2009-02-09T21:24:00.004-06:00

JACKSON: Mama, mama, you gotta ask me what I'm building.
ME: What are you building?
JACKSON: I can't tell you!

JACKSON: Knock Knock!
ME: Who's there?
JACKSON: Me. You better let me in! Open up the door!

I don't really have a lot to say today. I should be doing more laundry and planning my trip that I leave for on Thursday. But instead I am on the couch. I'm just kind of hanging out tonight. I guess that is ok. I can work my hind end off tomorrow night to get things ready. And Wednesday night.

I am excited! And yet still not motivated to get up off of the couch right now. Curiouser and curiouser...

In the Pipeline

2009-02-06T22:02:00.002-06:00

Last night I went to a planning meeting for the 2009 Relay For Life. You might remember last year's event was rained/tornadoed out and I didn't get to speak as planned. But they remember me and I am scheduled to talk at this year's even, both at the Survivor's Dinner and later on the field. At the planning meeting I was presented with a bright green t-shirt that I earned last year. It is an award for having raised over $1000 last year. They didn't get to present them last year, for obvious reasons so I got mine now. And it motivated me to think about fundraising again this year. And so I shall.

Also, I have been invited to a reading for a play in a few weeks. Some local directors like to do private reading of shows they are going to direct so they get a feel for it before auditions. It is always an honor to be invited to read a part at one of these. And though it doesn't mean you will get a part in the show; you still have to go through the audition process, it sometimes gives you a leg up if you find you want to be in the show. And you get to meet other actors and gain some measure of exposure through the networking of it all. Plus is is a fun, low-pressure chance to act a little. I have to brush off my British accent for this one, which I haven't used in a while. But I love British comedy and I am looking forward to it.

My DC trip is starting to come together. We have bought tickets to a show at the Kennedy Center for Friday night. It is a show called The Spectacular 2009. The description from the website sounded really interesting:

"Divine Performing Arts presents The Spectacular 2009, a grand production of classical Chinese performing arts, featuring over 100 Chinese dancers, vocalists, and musicians. Inspired by 5,000 years of Chinese history and culture, the Spectacular showcases traditional Chinese dance, vocal and
instrumental music, and music written for Chinese and western instruments. Masterful choreography,gorgeous costumes, and digitally animated backdrops combine in an artistic expression of the human spirit that is truly universal."

We also just booked an evening tour for the night we get there. It is a little bit of a risk since the tour is at 7:00 and we fly in at 3:30. That doesn't leave us a lot of room for delays and dinner. But we decided to risk booking it anyway. It isn't that expensive, and if it works out we get to tour the monuments at night and get a good orientation to the city. So hopefully it will work out and our flight will be on time and we get to do a fun DC at night tour. If it doesn't work out then we'll just do something else.

We still have not made any reservations for dinner for Valentine's Day. It is so hard to pick a restaurant off the internet. So much pressure. I'll probably keep looking around this weekend. There are some Potomac dinner cruises that sound fun, but they aren't cheap...and my husband is...I'm kidding...sorta...:) We may book something or maybe we'll wing it. I dunno.

Stupid Butts and stuff

2009-02-03T21:09:00.003-06:00

Today Jackson drew two pictures for me. One was a tarantula that actually looked like a spiderish creature. And the other was a "stupid butt" that didn't look anything like any stupid butts I have ever known. "Mama, this is a picture of a stupid butt," he said proudly. Ah, the things they learn at school. I laughed out loud. I have a feeling I wasn't supposed to.

Other things he must have learned in school include the nuggets of wisdom, "Mommy, no one else wants to see your pee pee," And "Daddy, you just can't take other people's ice cream." That one he sure didn't learn at home since in my house ice cream is fair game and the sweetest ice cream is the ice cream you steal from a loved one. That is just a universal truth isn't it?

Why am I so fascinated by the show Toddlers & Tiaras that profiles people who put their tiny girls in pageants in full make-up, hair pieces, fake eyelashes and spray tans? This shit is sick. Really. But I can't stop watching. 5-year-olds that look like 25-year-olds and walk like grinning, wooden, puppets. Maybe I am jealous cause I never manage to look so polished and put together no matter how many hours I try. Or maybe not. I still watch Miss America when it comes on, so I guess I am an unconscious product of our society's over-emphasis on beauty and sexiness. But at least I have the common sense to know that you shouldn't tell your 4-year-old who is dancing around happily after 'winning' a huge consolation trophy that she shouldn't be happy because "Baby doll, you lost. You didn't win anything." Geez. Way to go Mom and Dad. You suck.

I had dinner tonight with a friend from high school. Really, she's a friend from elementary, jr. high and high school. I had a really good time talking to her and seeing the person she has become. That sounds so incredibly cheesy. But it is true none-the-less. Facebook has really given me the chance to connect with people I haven't talked to in years. I didn't know how much I would enjoy that. And how much I miss the connection with people I grew up with and left behind without looking back. Technology is awesome. And it is such a small world. This woman I grew up with lives not a mile from me and has a good friend that lives on my street. We will be making happy hour a regular event, for sure.

Trip planning

2009-02-02T21:21:00.002-06:00

In a week and a half from now David and I will be heading to Washington DC on a little vacation. My mom and my dad will be keeping Jackson. Right now I am poring through web sites looking at tours, dining, shows, clubs. It is so overwhelming trying to schedule and decide what to do and when to do it. I think we may just make some tentative plans and schedule the tours that must be scheduled in advance and then wing it with the restaurants and stuff. Valentine's day could be busy in the restaurants. I don't know if we should pick some place and make reservations or just be spontaneous.

Also, I suspect it will be cold, like it was in NYC last year. We have this new tradition of vacationing in February and heading north. The travel is cheap and the tourist sites are less busy. But it is cold. So I need to drag out my warm stuff and see about a hat. The hat I wore last year may not work because I have hair this year. But my red coat will once again come out of the closet. And the scarves I bought last year.

This trip came on so fast, we haven't been planning it for more than a month, it seems sort of unreal. Are we really going? Shit, I am not ready! But I am getting excited and hoping for a warm front to hit DC. I requested White House and Capital tours from my US Rep. But it is kinda late and I may not get in. I can book my own tour of the Capital, but the White House may not happen. But that is ok.

I am looking forward to spending at a whole day in the American History Museum and a few other of the Smithsonian museums.

My son likes asparagus, and there are consequences to that...

2009-01-28T20:21:00.002-06:00

Yes indeed.

Jackson wears a pull-up to bed since without one, at three and a half, he'd be wetting the bed all the time and I don't want to get up every night to change his sheets. Or mine, since he is in and out of my bed at least once a night.

Last night at dinner, Jackson ate a ton of asparagus. He likes it, which doesn't surprise me considering his love for black olives and broccoli. But asparagus has late-night consequences that were unanticipated.

He came crawling into my bed about 2 or 3 in the morning and I was sleeping soundly. I barely registered him until the smell hit me. You know that asparagus makes your pee stink, right? Well imagine that smell coming from the diaper of the child sleeping next to you. I was in such a weird state of sleep though, that I couldn't wake up and take care of it. I kept dreaming that I was getting up, getting Jackson up and getting rid of the pull-up of death full of asparagus pee. I have no idea how long I suffered before I rolled over and kicked Jackson out and sent him back to his own bed. Poor baby. He stank all night and I didn't care as long as he wasn't sleeping next to me. I can't believe I didn't wake up and take care of him.

Remind me never to sleep next to my son who has eaten asparagus and my husband who has eaten garlic.

To scan or not to scan

2009-01-27T20:39:00.002-06:00

I was supposed to have a PET/CT scan today. But it was cancelled, though I am not clear on exactly why. I go to Austin Radiology for the scans. But they called me yesterday to say that due to insurance reasons, we needed to reschedule from a Texas Oncology time slot to an Austin Radiology time slot. I asked exactly what that meant but I don't think the girl on the phone understands either. I rescheduled, but couldn't find a mutually available time til Feb 18th. I require a morning appointment. PET scans require an Atkins diet the day before and nothing to eat for six hours prior. Which means you can get up and have breakfast at 6:00 in the morning for a noon appointment, which isn't something I can do. I can't go that long without eating and then down a gallon of barium. So I can't get a scan til the middle of Feb.

I called my oncologists office to talk to them and to reschedule my Feb 12th appointment but their power was out so couldn't get into the computer system. I am hoping they can explain what is going on with my insurance and what the hay the difference is in the time slots. I almost don't even care. Whatever. Inconvenience me. I'm used to it and it hardly even bothers me. I am just more curious than anything else.

But I am thinking I am going to cancel the scan anyway. I am not on any type of birth control. And any time I get a scan, I could be irradiating a Sray Zygote and I don't want to do that. I am not even sure I can procreate anymore, but I don't want to risk it. Plus the whole debate about whether these periodic scans are really necessary. If the cancer comes back, most likely it will show up in my blood work first. If I keep my regular check-ups and the doctor is diligent, we should be able to catch it and then order a scan to diagnose. Thus saving me the potential zapped baby Sray and the exposure to all that extra radiation.

And how the hell is radiation both a cure for and a cause of cancer? How is this possible? It all seems to work that way though. Adriamycin kills cancer cells and irreparably damages the heart, another of my chemo drugs kills Lymphoma and gives me a 30% greater chance of developing Leukemia. Rituxan is our current greatest hope against some blood cancers, but you could drop dead the first time you get it which is why it takes 6 hours to infuse in round one.

So the scan debate in my head continues.

Miss America and Mall Meltdowns

2009-01-24T19:51:00.003-06:00

I am watching the Miss America Pageant. Why? I don't know. I think there are much better things a woman can do with her time/life than trying to prove herself to be the most perfect Miss in America this year. But inside me resides a little girl who is a sucker for an evening gown, would like to wear a sparkly crown all the time and is fascinated by extremely tall, long-legged women. Their legs, geez, their legs are taller than I am.

But I am struck this year, after watching the swimsuit competition, that each woman has the same skin color - burnt orange. Of course there are two or three women of color in the finalists, and they are not painted burnt orange, but when you line them all up and pan the camera in a sweeping motion as they are want to do, you see a wash of legs and rock hard abs of all the same color. They all blend in. So I get it. White skin, pale skin, does not work in a bikini. But really, orange is better? Put down the spray tan, ladies. Everyone in the real world thinks you look stupid.

Also, big hoop earrings, bracelet size, seem to be the style. Not something I will be following. But that is ok. Earrings the size of my head somehow don't seem desirable to me.

We went shopping today. Jackson got a haircut from the oldest, slowest hair stylist we have encountered. She was really nice, but didn't seem to understand that you have 10 minutes before Jackson can't sit still any more. She took forever. She snipped and combed, snipped and combed, and just took her sweet time till Jackson was ready to crawl off the chair and run away. He did well under the circumstances. He tried to sit still. But it just took too long. Like 35 minutes. And in the end the cut was kind of clunky in the back and not exactly straight in the front. It is hard to cut straight and neatly when the kid is wiggly. But if you take 35 minuted, he is gonna get wiggly.

We looked around the outlet mall for shoes for David. He is a meticulous shoe shopper, needs to try on several shoes in several stores. Has to know all his options before choosing. Which is fine, unless you have a three year old with you. We did well at the outlet mall. He behaved pretty well. But David didn't find the shoes he wanted and we decided to head to the other mall to look more.

We should have quit while we were ahead. It was 4:00, Jackson had eaten too much junk food and very little lunch and had not had a nap. We were not the smartest parents in the world for going to the mall under the circumstances. We had a feeling it was not a good idea.

And we were right. We barely got into the mall before Jackson was throwing a fit about not wanting us to stop at the bathrooms. Then when we finished in the bathrooms and were headed into the mall proper, he decided we needed to go back to the bathrooms because he needed a drink of water from the water fountains. We were outside the cookie company so tried to get him a drink there, but he threw a fit and nothing would do but the water fountain several stores away and up the escalators from where we were. At that point David scooped up the crying, yelling boy and said, we are going home.

And we should have left right then. But the threat of leaving calmed the boy and we stupidly decided to stick it out and actually try to look at some shoes. We traipsed through a couple of stores looking, but Jackson poked around, stalled and became unreasonable as only a tired 3 year old can do. The last straw came when we walked past an establishment we didn't expect. Lakeline mall has one of those places you can take your kid to jump on a dozen different inflatable moon walk/jumpy things. And this place has a glass wall to the mall. Jackson saw the place and melted down big-time cause we were not going in.

The place was crowded, cost $10 each to get it and we were just unable to cope at that point and decided to cut and run. So we carried a screaming kid from one end of the mall all the way to the other end where we were parked. David and I started giggling a little bit here and there on our long walk of shame, since we both knew we deserved the meltdown for going to the mall even though we knew better.

And we still need to get David some shoes. Somehow I can't imagine we will be ready to brave the mall again any time soon.

Is is a right of passage? Do we all have to make the screaming child walk of shame at some point as parents of small children?

I hate cedar

2009-01-22T17:00:00.003-06:00

I am in full-blown cedar fever misery. Itchy eyes, faucet nose, scratchy throat, general body misery. Crankiness. I hate allergies. And I hate having to promise not to cook meth when I need some claritin D at the pharmacy. Jackson is also suffering and I needed some motrin cold syrup for him and some claritin D for me. Both of which have Pseudephedrine in them.

And you have to beg at the pharmacy for this non-prescription item. I feel bad for the pharmacists who have to dole out the stuff with rules so convoluted they can't even say if you can buy cold medicine for both you and your kid until the scanner computes the exact amount of pseuephedrine you are attempting to buy, swipes your drivers license and you sign the 'I promise' line. I did get both meds, I didn't have to choose between fixing my nose and Jackson's. And as the pharmacist said, when looking at my red nose and generally miserable cedar disposition, "I doubt you are going home to start the world's smallest meth lab in your kitchen."

Right. I'm not. Can we please stop with the Sudafed gestapo? Please make the rules a little less strict. Let me have more than 10 claritin D at once please. Must I write my legislator to beg for some common sense? Do legislators not have colds and allergies? Do they never have to jump through their own hoops for some sudafed? They probably just send someone else out for some. Bastards.

Jackson, of his own accord, peed in the potty standing up yesterday. He went in to pee, saw the seat was up and gave it a try. He only made a small mess. After he was done he turned to me and said, "Peeing while you're standing is a lot easier, isn't it mommy?" Sadly, I wouldn't know. I suppose it is easier, thus the line-size difference outside the bathrooms.

Gotta go see what's for dinner. All members of this household are allergic messes, so something simple is in order.

There are worse things I could do...

2009-01-20T10:28:00.002-06:00

Than not getting cast in a musical or two. I could be stuck at work on inauguration day trying to get rights to songs for the musical I didn't get cast in, while trying to get the office computers to stream the inauguration...with sound. And fielding ticket inquiries for the said musical I didn't get cast in. That is the sucky part about auditioning for the theatre you work for. If you don't get cast, you can't avoid the show. Not even apparently for five minutes while you decide how upset you are that you didn't get cast.

At least I am in good company. Some of the most talented ladies I know auditioned and fought hard last night and didn't get in. Sigh.

I am really excited my friend Sabrina got a role, she has worked really hard on her acting and singing and this is her first "real" part. Her emphasis, not mine. She has been a featured dancer in many a show, she just doesn't consider that real even though it is. So congrats to the talented ladies who made it into the pink ladies. I'll be sitting here selling tickets and aquiring right when I should be home watching history happen.

Oh, wait, I just got sound. Yay!

Shit there's the phone. Do I have to answer it?

Callbacks

2009-01-19T22:31:00.003-06:00

I just got home from Grease callbacks. So yes, I did get called back. I was called back to read for Frenchy and Patty Simcox, the cheerleader. There were about 20 women called back for eight roles and everyone was really good. I think I gave a good accounting of myself. I think I can do a pretty annoying, bubbly cheerleader for sure. But will I be cast? Magic eight ball says "Concentrate and ask again..."

Cast list should go up tomorrow. I may be on it, but if not, I am ok with my audition. I still wish I would have sung better at the initial audition. But at least I feel good about my callback. So we shall see.

Audition and Jacksonisms

2009-01-18T22:44:00.003-06:00

Just got home from auditions for Grease. I sang my song, performed my monologue and learned the dance with forty something other people. And there were more auditions last night. I think in all well over 60 people came out for it. And they were overwhelmingly female.

I am okay with how I did, though. I was nervous and it came out in my voice, so I didn't sing as well as I wanted to. I sang better than some, not as well as others. The dance was fast and we had very little time to learn it. I danced better than some and not as well as others. I did try to look like I was having fun though, even when I was sucking. But my monologue rocked. I did my ice skater piece and as usual it worked and I was comfortable doing it.

So we shall see how I measure up against the multitude of women who auditioned. The callbacks are tomorrow and the list of who is invited to callbacks will be posted online really late tonight or tomorrow morning. Not sure if I am staying up to obsessively check for it, or if I am going to bed to worry about it in the morning. I don't think not knowing will keep me awake. At this point it is out of my hands, I did my thing, either I get a call back or not. And if so, I go on tomorrow to fight another day. So dramatic.

But honestly. I am beat from a long night of alternating nerves and boredom as you sit around waiting for your turn and then sweating like crazy and pretending that you remember the steps to the combination. Fake it and smile, baby, fake it and smile.

Here is a list of some 'hmm' very interesting things a three year old might say to you to make you laugh.

When you are trying to sneak some alone time with your spouse you might hear:

"Hey, why are you naked, guys? Huh? Why are you naked?"

When your pajama top comes open as you laze about on the couch on a Sunday morning:

"Mommy, your boobie is out."

When you catch him coming out of his room without his pants and wearing a different pair of underwear than before:

"Mom, don't say it, don't talk, don't get up and look."

When he discovers the cat has taken a dump behind the couch in the living room:

"I smell poooopp! There's poooooopppp! There's a big loonng poop and two little ball poops!"

I'm sure there's more but as I am degenerating into cat poop stories, I better stop and go to bed.

2009-01-15T18:26:00.003-06:00

I got my hair cut this week and Maria showed me what it looks like when I blow it straight instead of letting it curl/feather. So I have a bit of an improvement on the floppy, growing-my-hair-out hair. It won't be long before I actually have a bob. That will be nice. When I don't have so many layers, but more one length or at least long layers. I still don't know what the plan is with it. Keep it above my shoulders or grow it longer? I doubt I will grow it down my back like before. Just would seem like trying to go back instead of forward. But I would like to be able to pull it back, put it up in some way. And I need to go buy a brush. I don't have one if you can believe that. I have a round brush, but I threw my other brushes away when my hair fell out. Figured I didn't need them and I used to by cheapo brushes new every year or so anyway, so by the time I needed one again, I could get a new one. And I need a different kind of brush now. I have different hair. So it is time for a new brush. A Sally trip is in order.

I took Jackson to buy shoes at the outlet mall last week and took a few pics of him riding on the $.50 rides conveniently placed outside the kid stores. He makes me laugh. He sits nicely with what, to him, must be some strange animal statues.

Aaaand he puts his hand in one of their mouths. I guess an open mouth invites you to stick your hand in it.

So how bout that plane crashing into the Hudson river and no one getting killed? I am a huge fan of the pilot right now. Nice work. That must have been terrifying, but what an awesome ending.

Tomorrow night marks the return of Battlestar Galactica and we may finally learn the answers to the questions that have been plaguing us. I can't wait, but I will be sad when the series is truly over. Sigh.

My talk was a success!

2009-01-12T21:24:00.004-06:00

I attended the PEO luncheon today and had a great time. The ladies were all so nice and welcoming and kept saying "Oh hi, are you the program today?" And though I worried I wouldn't have enough to talk about to rate being THE Program, I talked for at least 45 minutes, maybe more. It was pretty easy to talk about theatre. And the ladies asked great questions that led to more talking. And I was quite comfortable and only had slight issued accessing my vocabulary. I had a good time and I am so glad I did it.

I am really worn out now. I spent some time at my mom's after work helping sort out a few things with their laptop. With working several hours on my presentation last night and on my mom's computer tonight, I am computered out. I didn't sleep well last night, probably from nerves about today. So I am hoping I crash as soon as I hit the bed and don't wake up till morning.

Right now calls for a cup of hot tea - decaf and a good book.

Theatre talk

2009-01-11T21:22:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow I am speaking at a luncheon for a service group out in Sun City; the PEO club, don't know what that stands for. But I do know they support education for women, have numerous scholarship programs and such. They asked me to come talk about theatre and acting. This has been on my calendar for months. Someone in the group was at a cancer luncheon I spoke to back in June and they schedule their meeting guests that far in advance. So I knew this was coming, but it still snuck up on me.

I spent the evening putting together a power point presentation with pics for the occasion. They want to know the ins and outs of it all - auditions, ways to prepare for a role, favorite shows, things like that. So I made plenty of notes and tried to find things to talk about that answer some of the questions people ask all the time. Like "How do you memorize all those lines?" And "How many rehearsals do you have?" One of the questions the organizer sent me was what was my most difficult production. That one is easy. Since I was trying to play Shelby in Steel Magnolias when I was diagnosed with cancer, I think that probably beats just about every other theatre difficulty I have encountered.

I had a hard time narrowing things down though. I could pull up slides and talk about shows all day long. But in the end I tried to keep it simple and light and then let them ask their questions at the end. I think it is going to be a fun time.

I am slightly nervous because I don't speak extemporaneously much and since I had chemo my vocabulary is sometimes held hostage in my brain. You know how sometimes you just can't find a word or a name? You know it is in there, you use it 50 times a week, it was your favorite movie in high school, but your brain just won't give it up till you relax and come back to it later? That used to happen to be occasionally just like everyone else. But since chemo, it happens at least once or twice a day. When I am talking to someone, I have a hard time accessing my full vocabulary. Seriously. This is a symptom of what cancer patients call chemo brain - this is something we feel is very real, but isn't always accepted or documented by the medical community. But trust me it is real. I don't have the short-term memory I used to and I can't reach my words like I used to.

But I am not too worried, cause I stuck to topics in theatre I am very familiar with and I think I can get through the luncheon without embarrassing myself. And if I can't find my words, I'll just tell them the story of chemo brain and place the blame where it belongs.

David and I accomplished a few things this weekend. We scrubbed both bathrooms, redid the grout in the shower that had succumbed to mildew, washed clothes, cleaned the BBQ grill and replaced worn out parts inside it. I have the sheets and duvet in the washer right now so we can crawl into clean, warm, sweet-smelling bedding tonight. I love clean sheet days.

I also decided to sign up for an audition slot for Grease at the Palace. There are over 30 women signed up already, so I understand the odds of getting into this one, given the level of dance I have. Which is basic/fake it technique. But though it is a long-shot, I have to audition because the number of awesome people I know signed up means that this could be a great and fun show to do and I would regret not even trying. You have to try. Sometimes the long-legged blond dancers beat you out, but you still have to try, right?

My kid is a criminal mastermind...

2009-01-05T19:18:00.003-06:00

Yes. Jackson is the sneakiest boy in the history of sneaky boys. In the mornings when he gets up, he often takes his wet pull-up off and leaves it on the floor. We constantly ask him to put it in the trash. Yesterday morning as I was getting up with him, he stopped in the hallway by his room and said, "Um, I'm just gonna close my door...so that you don't see my wet pull-up. I had to laugh. Damned internal monologue malfunctions. They trip up villains all the time. The need to brag about one's crimes is overwhelming sometimes. Especially if you are three.

He also peed on my couch and tried desperately to cover it with a pillow...while I was standing there asking him about it. It went like this:

Me: Jackson, what is this? Why is the couch wet? Are your pants wet? Did you pee?
Jackson: (carrying pillow) I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna...
Me: Did you PEE on my COUCH?!?!
Jackson: I'm just gonna put this pillow here...

It wasn't funny at the time. Cause there was pee on my couch. But it's funny now. I guess.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T22:17:00.004-06:00

New Year's Eve was a lot of fun. Went to Kyle and Dave's house for the near-annual cavort. This year, in addition to the dancing in the street with sparklers, the gathering featured Rock Band, the video game where you play different instruments and get scores based on how well you follow the music on the screen. Jackson was mesmerized and sat with his Dad 'helping' him play the bass guitar.

He eventually moved on to play the drums with help from David. David had the hard job of keeping the drum beat going just well enough so that the song didn't 'fail' regardless of whatever beats Jackson was playing with his drum stick.

It really isn't a little guy's game and Jackson came over to me upset saying "I don't have an instrument to play." But Auntie Andrea' had brought his Christmas gift to the party and she happened to have bought him *tada* a recorder. Yup. Just like the ones you played three blind mice on in 3rd grade music class. He was so excited, he sat down and joined the Rock Band. Cause what Rock Band doesn't need a recorder? Hell, the only think better would have been a cow bell.

Jackson did have some momentary trouble making the recorder work for him. He was very concerned and kept telling me, "It keeps sounding like that, show me how it goes." I thought he meant the fingers and I kept showing him how to hold it and move your fingers over the holes, but that wasn't it. He meant that the sound he made blowing into it didn't sound like the sound I made blowing into it. After I figured out what his concern was, I helped him hold his lips around it better and told him he needed to blow gently. If you blow too hard, too much air goes through and it doesn't make that perfect(ly annoying) tone.

Once he figured out how to make the right sound, he played his recorder along with the band on every song. It was pretty damned cute, him tooting the recorder along to the music. The sound of the game was pretty loud, so he didn't really distract much. (His hand in the picture is telling mama to stop cramping his style.) He had such a good time and we let him stay up way too late. When we finally put him to bed at 11, he was out immediately and all our fireworks and cavorting didn't bother him a bit.

On Tuesday, I took him over to my friend Kathie's house to play with Delaney, her two-year-old daughter. Kathie's husband is in the hospital battling the cancer beast, and with pre-school being out for the holidays, I figured Delaney needed some play time, as did Jackson. Kathie is spending much of her time at the hospital with Steve, as she should, and her mom has been staying with the girls. So I sat with the kiddos and the sleeping baby while Kathie went to the hospital and her mom got some cleaning done she had been wanting to do.

Delaney and Jackson did pretty well together, given their differences in age. Jackson is not an aggressive player and Delaney has no problem communicating exactly what she wants, so that was good. It took about a half an hour for them to settle in to playing. Delaney wanted to jump and roll around on her bed and Jackson was not interested. He wanted to play with her Winnie the Pooh tree house and the scooter that went with it. Delaney, in her two-year-old wisdom determined that if she removed the distraction -the scooter- from Jackson then perhaps he would play in the bed with her.

Didn't work. Jackson just got upset because she took the scooter. I tried to get them both to let me read to them instead. They weren't interested. I took down a book and tried to show it, but Delaney took it and put it away, saying "No book." Jackson did not take to that very well, he wasn't interested in the books either, but I saw something in his face, like "Don't you be telling my mama she can't have a book." He picked up the book and said, "Yes book." After a few rounds of book tug-of-war with neither kid budging, Jackson decided tears were in order and returned to the true object of contention - the scooter. "Please let me have the scooter, please."

Sigh, I have to teach the boy not to beg a woman for anything. It isn't dignified. And it doesn't work. The situation finally resolved itself and the kids set into playing along side each other happily. I guess you gotta work things out before you can really be friends. Generally there isn't a mom witnessing the tussle though. Good thing, cause I don't think I could handle that. I'd want to intervene, de-escalate, appease, compromise, take over. And you mostly need to let them work it out for themselves.

And they did. By the time we left they were interacting well and climbing on a little slide together. I got a great picture, but figure I shouldn't post a picture of someone else's kiddo without permission. So you just have to take my word that Delaney is a beautiful, delightful girl and she had Jackson take a mean photo together.

I had a moment of sad memory while I was there though. Kathie brought out her shoes to put them on to head to the hospital and the minute the shoes came out, Delaney knew her mom was leaving. She was sad and climbed into Kathie's lap. "Shoes? Shoes?" she said, sadly. Her mom said yes, she was leaving. Going to the hospital to see Daddy. Delaney started to cry a little and it broke my heart. That sucks. I remember a time when visiting a doctor's office set Jackson to crying "Mama, not go back to the hospital." It sucks that these kids have to get dragged into the harshness of life so early. Fucking cancer. Leave us parents of young children alone! Shit, leave everyone alone, but especially avoid those of us with babies to shelter and keep innocent for as long as we can.

Jackson Gems

2008-12-28T20:41:00.003-06:00

First I promised a picture of Jackson in some of the new clothes his Omi gave him for Christmas.

Jackson has had some pretty funny things to say as of late. Today for instance, I was drinking a cup of faux coffee of the international foods persuasion. I don't do it very often and I was surprised by the little buzz it gave me. I said to David "Coffee makes me high." Jackson heard this and came running excitedly over. "Does coffee make you high, Mama? Are you high up, all the way to the sky?"

I asked him this morning, as I do once in a while, why he came to my room last night. He always has interesting answers so I keep asking. Today his answer was skeletons. There were skeletons in his room, yellow and green ones, and he had to run to my room where we all hid from them. He didn't seem particularly scared talking about it, but it just convinces me more that he has the same tendency toward nightmares that I have. Or there really are skeletons in his room. Not sure which.

I am pretty happy with the new camera I got for Christmas. It is so small and easy to use. And it takes pictures much faster than my old one. Which means that I am more likely to get the boy actually looking at the camera for the split second he gives me to take the picture. But even the misses are better looking with this camera. It makes me look like I can take a decent picture. I like it. Here is one of my favorites and it was a technical miss.

And I took a couple of movies with it, but my laptop can't play them cause they are MP4's which I don't know anything about, but apparently need a differnet player to see them on my system. I will have to download one soon cause I shot a great video of Jackson looking for Aunt Elaine in a drainage ditch. Not sure why he thought she was in there, or what he thought she was doing, but the video is cute. I'll post that for you, Elaine, if I can find a player.

Tomorrow I am going to work to finish the playbill and then I am off again til Friday. I hear rumor of a cavort for New Year's Eve, as is tradition, but have not yet gotten the evite. Hint. Hint.

Good Holiday!

2008-12-26T21:17:00.003-06:00

Another Christmas has come and gone with much food eaten, many gifts given and received and lots of family time. It has been a good one. This year is a little different than last year. I have hair this year. It is at that floppy, limpy stage of growing out, but still, hair.

Jackson was a lot of fun this year. At DAvid's folk's house on Christmas Eve, he learned that presents keep on coming, even when you are happily playing with the new toy you already opened. So we gave him a break, let him play with his toys and then let him finish opening gifts when he was ready. He was pretty happy and he behaved so well with all the people and the noise and talking and laughing. I was pretty proud of him.

On Christmas day we headed to my Dad's place and spent the night there. Jackson got to play with his cousins, Emma and Grayce. He sure loves the company of other kids. It is nice to watch him play and negotiate and have a good time.

This afternoon after we got home, we went through his toys in his room sorting out the ones that we can donate or get rid of. He has lots of toys that will stand the test of time, like his many matchbox cars, and then he has toys that came with happy meals or were a dollar at Walgreen's and I couldn't say no. And we were easily able to create some space for all the new toys he got for Christmas. I could have culled many, many more toys from his toy box, he was so ok with it, but I didn't want to go overboard. Every once and a while I would pick up a toy I was sure he didn't care about, and he would protest. But all in all, he was really awesome and not at all afraid to give up something he doesn't play with anymore. It made me happy. It doesn't mean anything probably, but I felt like maybe we haven't spoiled him too rotten if he wants to donate some of his toys to other kids to play with. Heh, he was so ok with it, David and I kept explaining over and over what donate means, we weren't sure he understood.

Thanks to everyone for your generosity and love this year as always. I feel very lucky to have way more than I need and most everything that I want. Not much more I can ask for.

The Perks of a Son

2008-12-21T22:21:00.003-06:00

I was out shopping with Jackson yesterday and had just finished in a store that had no public bathroom when Jackson started pee pee dancing fiercely. The boy needed to go and he needed to go now. The store we had come out of - not saying where for secret husband present reasons - was very crowded and I doubted I could get one of the sales clerks to understand that we needed a toilet and could care less if it was employees only. So being the MacGyver mom that I am, I improvised. I pulled the empty coke bottle from under the back seat of the car, turned the dome light off and explained to my bewildered son that I did indeed want him to pee pee in the bottle. He didn't object and seemed to enjoy the novelty. He even wanted to examine (shake) the bottle afterwards, which of course, I didn't allow. I was instantly grateful for this neat-o benefit of having a son.

We went as a family last night to a 'waiting for Santa party' that my friends throw every other year in which attendees wear their pj's. I was going to go by myself, but Jackson heard me on the phone with my sister talking about the party and was devistated when I said he was staying home with his dad. I told him kids weren't invited, that it was a grown-up party. He cried and cried and said "I am invited, mama, I am invited." We were driving home at the time, he and I, and when we got home he refused to get out of the car. He was so sad and cried that he was staying in the car and going to the party with me. David decided, what the hell, he'd come too and bring Jackson. And Jackson was a really good boy, even though it was way past his bedtime and he was sleepy. He is such a sociable boy and charmed his way around the party. David took him home and left me there to hang out longer since was having a good time and the boy needed to go home. There were several Round Rock based friends there and I could ride home with any of them.

I had a really good time and lots of good conversation. Unfortunately I had a few glasses of champagne after having had a few glasses of wine and it was simply too much and I made myself sick. Like a teenager. I ought to know better. I paid for it for half of today and my stomach is a little tender still. But I had a great time and Andy sent me this picture he snapped of us in our pj's. If you look close, you can make out the blue stitches still in my cheek.

Which come out tomorrow morning! Yay! I really am ready for the itchy stitches to come out. The scar looks really good and I think I am going to be really happy with the way it looks. Hell, it already looks better than it did. The incision line is still red/pink, of course, but the texture of it looks better and the dimple is gone. It does dimple slightly when I smile, but that is ok with me. That is how a real dimple behaves. It was the dent that was there when my face was at rest that I objected to. So I am feeling good about it and can't wait til tomorrow when the blue stitches are gone.

I hate cancer

2008-12-19T21:41:00.004-06:00

Last night my dreams were a mish-mash of the too much going on in my head. With my scar revision and Jackson being sick this week I have gotten behind where I want to be on the playbill for the next show at work. And I learned yesterday that a young woman I know is dealing with her husband's recurrent cancer that has him very ill and bed-bound and her two daughters, one two year old and one two months old.

I dreamed I went to work in the evening to work on the playbill but instead of going to the theatre, where I work, I went to the hospital, where I used to work. And I couldn't find my office. I wandered the halls of the place, which looked like the maternity unit I worked in, but housed cancer patients instead. And I kept opening doors looking for my office, for my computer, so I could get the playbill done. I kept apologizing to the nurses and the patients and cursing the 'chemo brain' episode that had left me unable to find my office. In my dream I finally called Sonja, my boss at the Palace, to ask her if she could please tell me where the office is, because I seemed to have forgotten the way. She was no help. She said she didn't know either. Then I woke up.

It didn't even occur to me in my dream that I don't work at the damned hospital, I work at the theatre. My dream self would have felt so much better had I realized that in the halls of the maternity-slash-oncology ward and said "Duh, I don't have an office here," and then trotted off to the the car and driven to the Palace.

Cancer on the brain. I tell you it's, a killer.

Ha Ha. It's a killer.

I have been thinking about this super-cool young mom who is in the incredible position of being bodily care-taker of two very small children and a very sick young man. His cancer is rare, treatment is a crap-shoot. And she feels guilty for not being sick. She told me the she gets a break occasionally, but he doesn't. He is stuck with cancer 24/7.

Survivor's guilt is a bitch. I have it in droves. On Planet Cancer tonight - the Myspace for the young adult cancer community - I learned that an 18 year-old I have been following has died. He has been slowly dying on his couch in Australia for months. His body betrayed him worse every day, but his mind was vital and scathingly humorous and his was wisdom far beyond his years. While I am glad he isn't in pain anymore, I am more than pissed off and devastated by his death. I never chatted much with him. I read all his postings and comments and blogs, but I kept my distance. It was survivor's guilt that made me not want to draw his attention. I somehow didn't want to rub it in his face that I am sitting here today healthy and 32 and he won't see 19. I finally commented to him when he blogged Tuesday that it would probably be easier on his little brothers if he gave up being at home and went inpatient. He broke my heart and I wrote to him simply "You are awesome and you don't deserve this. I fucking hate cancer." He wrote back to me on Wednesday, "Thanks Marsha, awesome too." He was beyond complete sentences. He died yesterday. Goddammit.

A plea for help

2008-12-17T22:49:00.002-06:00

Jackson has been sick for the last couple of days. Running fever off an on and his voice is almost gone. Laryngitis, I guess. This morning his fever was gone but he started throwing up. So it was another day of no school and I stayed home from work to take care of him. my the afternoon he was doing much better and had stopped throwing up. He wanted desperately to get out of the house so we went shopping a little.

I was looking for gifts for my 5 and 7 year-old nieces. Wow. Is there nothing left in the world for little girls to wear that doesn't have Miley-effing-Cyrus's face on it? Really? Every damned top, dress, night gown, underwear, sweatshirt and toy has Miley's ass face plastered on it. (Oh wait, there were some things that didn't have Miley on the - all the High School Musical crap. But that is another rant.) WTF? I thought Britney Spears was talentless and over-exposed way back when. I didn't think there would ever be a teen girl more insidious, but from the loins of Mr. Achy Breaky sprang the star a new generation of kids can't escape no matter where they go or what they do.

All I have to say is, if we all collectively stop paying attention to Miley Cirus - stop buying her albums, clothing, Hannah Montana wigs and posters, lunch boxes tampons, etc. If we all, at the same time, start rejecting anything with her grinning mug on it, perhaps we can make her go away. What do you say folks? Can we all come together and make the world a better place? A place where we don't teach our kids that an ugly blond wig makes you unrecognizable and that mugging for the camera is just good acting? We can make a difference, you and me. We can end this now if we just try. What do you say?

Success at the plastic surgeon

2008-12-15T20:39:00.002-06:00

I have a new set of stitches on my cheek this evening. Blue thread. Yup. Blue. I asked the doc didn't he have some red or green for the holidays? But he didn't. So til next Monday i will sport blue stitches. Not all the way across the incision, just at the ends, the other stitches are internal. Not sure exactly how that works, but I don't have to know. That is what I pay the doctor for.

It was pretty quick and after the painful numbing process, it wasn't much more than uncomfortable. This afternoon, when the anesthesia wore off my face was pretty sore and throbby. But a darvocet took care of that and I am doing ok now. And the dimple is already gone. I don't look pretty, but I think I can see that this will eventually be an improvement to the scar I had. He oriented it more into my natural laugh line so that it should blend in there better. I don't know how these doctors know how to do that, but I am glad they do. Take a scar that I don't like so much and change where it points and how deep it is and turn it into a scar I like better. Cause there will be a scar. No getting around it. But I have hopes that after it heals it will be a reminder of what I have been through, but not something that distracts me every time I look in the mirror.

I just hope it doesn't hurt too much tomorrow. It seems to have the potential to hurt pretty good and I fear what sleeping on it will be like.

Jackson curled up on the couch with me this afternoon and snuggled up like he couldn't get warm. But he felt to me like a heat lamp. So I checked his temp aaaannnd it was 103. Shit. He wasn't complaining but he just wanted to lie on the couch with me and snuggle. It was about then that my cheek started hurting so I called David to see if he could come home a little early to help out. Jackson perked up after some tylenol and motrin brought down his fever. His voice is a little husky so I suspect he is fighting a cold. But it doesn't seem serious. If he has fever in the morning he won't be going to school. He probably shouldn't go anyway, not sure what the fever rules are. Is it 24 hours?

I don't have to go to work in the morning so we will most likely be staying home recovering, the both of us. Or maybe doing a little Christmas shopping if we feel up to it. Then to the Palace to work if we can manage it. Me and my stitches. If you see me out and about tomorrow, please don't stare. Or if you have to stare, please compliment my blue stitches and the blue eyeshadow I will likely wear to coordinate my look.

Christmas is coming

2008-12-14T18:56:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow is take two of my scar revision procedure and hopefully there will be no reason to delay it again. Cross your fingers for me.

This weekend we went to my Dad's house for the annual Christmas party he throws for his employees. Dad made sure Jackson had a present under the tree to unwrap when the employees and families got theirs. He was really good waiting all day to open it. He would ask periodically if we could open presents yet but managed to hang on until it was time. My dad gave him a huge monster truck pulling a trailer with a smaller dune buggy thing on it. Jackson loved it of course. David and I were less than pleased with the amount of space it will take up in our home. The toys take over Christmas, indeed. But Jackson is very happy and that is all that matters.

This morning we were in my Dad's kitchen talking about Christmas being almost here and Jackson was confused. "We already had Christmas," he said thinking of his new truck-pulling-a-car loot. I am amazed at this fleeting moment of time. Jackson thinks Christmas is over. We had a party and he got to unwrap a new toy. One present and he is happy. This moment in time will soon be erased by the glut of the actual holiday. We will have three more Christmases, complete with multiple presents, toys, clothes, everything a little boy could want. We are a family blessed with more than we need and like many, we give, give, give for the holidays. It is fun and frivolous and the giving and receiving of shiny wrapped presents to and from the people we love is a national past-time. At this moment in time one wrapped toy made him think that Christmas is over and he is happy. I hope we don't cure him of that with our three Christmases. I hope to be able to keep some of that innocence intact. We have to teach him that having so much is nice, but not the end-all-be-all of life. We have to somehow help him become a person who appreciates what he has but is happy in lean times and in times of plenty.

Heh, this may be a moot goal as we as a nation may be heading into some seriously lean times and the lessons I want to teach will be taught to us all through a forced lifestyle change.

All that aside, I really am enjoying this season with Jackson. He is able to express the wonder of it all this year. The lights and the tree and everything. As we drove to my Dad's on Friday night, we drove through several small towns and many of them had lots of lights and decorations up as a township. Lampassas really impressed Jackson with lighted decorations across every intersection. "Wow, I like this place," he said as we drove through. We so need to take him to the trail of lights in Austin. If the little lights of Lometa and Lampassas make him happy, that will really flip him out.

Food sharing

2008-12-10T20:43:00.002-06:00

Jackson is always indignant whenever I eat anything and don't offer him any. Everyone knows mommies everywhere are the designated food sharers, they rarely get a meal all to themselves. But I admit that I do sneak things that I don't want to share when I think he isn't looking: candy or chocolate usually. I got some nice chocolate truffles for my birthday that I keep in my fridge and slowly eat after he goes to bed. And this chocolate would be wasted on a kid who likes whatever waxy crap he got for Halloween. But I am not above dipping into that Halloween candy when I think I won't get caught.

Like last night when Jackson was in the bathtub and his daddy was washing him. I got into the candy bowl and fished out a piece of gum - one of the really sour kind that makes you pucker for a minute. I love those. Jackson got out of the tub a little sooner than I expected and, as is his ritual, came running naked into the living room to find me shouting "Mama, I'm out the tub, I'm out the tub!"

He saw me sitting on the couch chewing something and his eyes immediately narrowed.

"Hey, what do you have in your mouth. Say ah! Say Ahhhhh!"

He hopped onto the couch next to me, tried to pry my mouth open and ordered me to show him what I was eating. I was totally busted. Thankfully, he easily forgets such things if you tickle the crap out of him. I'm still not sharing my chocolate.

Music, books and buddies

2008-12-06T21:07:00.005-06:00

Jackson is in his bed trying not to fall asleep. As usual he calls out to me cause he knows I can hear him from my perch on the couch in the living room.

"Do you love me mom?"
"Yes baby, I do."
"I'm Glad. Mommy, are you glad?"
'Yes, I am glad."
"I'm glad too."

He will be quiet for a few minutes and we'll do it again. A few minutes ago I went in and covered him as he requested he asked me what I was going to do. I said I was going to get my jammies on and read my book on the couch. With a glass of wine. I didn't tell him that part though, just the book part. When I came out of my room having changed, he called out to me again.

"Mommy, do you have your book?"
"Yup, I sure do."
"Are you gonna read it?'
"Yup. I sure am."
'I'm glad. Are you glad too?"
"Yes, Jackson, I am very glad."
"Me too, mom. You can be my buddy."
"Ok, son."
"You're my best buddy in the whole wide world, mommy."

Sigh. It just doesn't get much better than that.

We went to the Christmas Parade and Stroll in Georgetown today and had a good time. The pic is Jackson waiting for the parade. They had a big free kids area with moon walk jumping things and machine spitting out some fake snow off and on. And turkey legs. I bought a huge turkey leg and ate a third of it. Good Things David's folk met us there and Lou was more than happy to take the turkey leg off my hands. We decided not to stand in line to see Santa Clause. We were pretty tired from chasing/keeping track of/entertaining a three-year-old for three hours and standing in line for an hour for something Jackson didn't even care about doing was not on our fun list for the day. He could barely wait in line for the moon walks and he desperately wanted to jump. We might get a Santa picture elsewhere this year. Or we might not. Either way, no big deal. I love Santa Pictures but we are just not interested in the possible ordeal of it.

David's folks came to dinner afterwards and it made me glad we have already gotten our Christmas tree and decorations up. We have lots of nice decorations and it sure is a warm, inviting room all lit up with Christmas lights. Makes me want to sit here and put on some music and blog or read with a glass of wine instead of watching TV. I am pretty blessed. I have a good home and family and everything I need or could want and today I am healthy.

Last night David took me on a date. Dinner and a movie. We saw Cadillac Records which is about Chess records from the 50's: Muddy Waters, Howlin Wolf, Chuck Berry, Etta James and the like. Man do I love that music. Blues, soul, real R&B. Right now there is a little Janis Joplin playing on my stereo. She owes much of her sound to those people. In fact, I heard a Lady who grew up with Janis say on NPR that one of Janis's things was to do a near-perfect Etta James voice when they were cruising around drinking. And you can hear that in Janis's music. Etta, I mean. You can hear Etta in Janis. Anyway. The movie was great in that the music was fabulous and there was some seriously good acting - Jefferey Wright as Muddy Waters, Gabrielle Union, Adrienne Brody, Mos Def as Chuck Berry. And Beyonce' was not bad as Etta James, although I don't think she really sounds like Etta.

It did totally make me smile that she had to strait sing the songs like Etta did. I mean that she didn't sing At Last with so many trills and runs and arpeggios making the melody unidentifiable as is the modern pop singers habit. They have to show off, they can't just fricken sing the song and let it be. Etta James threw in her riffs and runs, but never did they detract from the song, they added to it, embellished. Pop singers today don't know how to do that. They ruin great songs by showing off. So hearing Beyonce' sing it strait was awesome. She sounded good.

Tomorrow I have a lunch date with Andrea' and a play afterwards. Right now I have a date with my glass of wine and my book and there is currently some Van Morrison on my shuffle. (Thanks for teaching me about great music, Dad.)

Phftht.....

2008-12-01T14:47:00.003-06:00

My scar revision has been postponed because of...wait for it...a pimple. Yuppers. My complexion is nice and clear for the most part except for the odd here and there breakout. But my face chose to day to bust out with one of those big old under the skin cystic pimples that hurt like crazy. And it is sitting millimeters from the spot that needed cut on. And since we don't want to risk infection - especially since that is the problem that scarred my face in the first place, the doctor postponed my surgery for two weeks to allow the toxic pimple to eat shit and die.

Good thing I had cancer and went through chemo and lost any and all dignity through that process or I just might be a little humiliated to admit that a pimple sabotaged my plastic surgery. Of course it did. My pimples are always trying to find ways to insert themselves into my life story. It goes like this:

"Hmmm, here I am, a pimple, deep under Marsha's skin. How can I totally disrupt her life in a way more profound than any pimple has ever done? How can I become immortalized in blog? Maybe I will wait till after her final chemo and erupt into a serious infection that hospitalizes her twice and leaves a dimpled scar that must be fixed in a year. Ooohhh! Ooohhh! Ha Ha! And then when she goes in for a scar revision, my brother will erupt nearby causing her to reschedule! And then she will have to blog about it, thrusting my brother into blog stardom! Yeeeeesssss!"

So there you have it. Muthufuckin pimples. You effin win. Two more weeks. I get my scar excised in two more weeks. Thus allowing two weeks less healing time before Christmas so that my facial wound can once again take center stage in the holiday photos. Last year, band-aid. This year, angry red scar. Dammit.

Thanksgiving, Britney and tomorrow with the plastic surgeon

2008-11-30T20:49:00.003-06:00

Thanksgiving was great. Had six kids at my house and family and good food. Then went to David's folks house for more food and family. Jackson played very hard and still keeps saying, "I had fun with my cousins, Mommy."

I stayed in with Jackson Friday morning while David and his family braved the pre-dawn crowds for Black Friday. They said the crowds were less in the tech stores, but Kohl's was even busier than last year. Which is saying a lot. I am happy to stay in bed and let them get out there in it. David bought me the GPS system for my car that I have been wanting. And he got himself a new monitor. So we got our big presents already. But that is ok. They have such a good time researching and finding the great deals.

On Thanksgiving mishap stays with me though. My cell phone was on the island in my kitchen when we were setting all the food out. And it got brisket grease all over it. (Yes we had brisket as well as turkey and ham.) It still works just fine. But damn! It reeks of smoked meat. I wiped it down with a Clorox wipe and now it smells like bleach and smoked meat. I keep forgetting about it till the phone rings and I sit there thinking "Who's bbqing? Oh, yeah, that's my phone." Sigh. We are in the process of looking at new phones and switching to AT&T so I will have to deal with the meaty phone till we make our decisions. And our Verizon contract isn't up till December 23rd. So Christmas. Yes. Mmmmm...brisket.

I am watching MTV's Britney Spears documentary. I still find her so fascinating and find myself rooting for her to get it together. She is physically looking pretty darn good, much better than the last couple of years. But I am wondering about the hair. We all know she shaved it off when she was in a crazy fit. We know it isn't down to her ass anymore. Why does she persist in the long blond extensions under the visible short layers of her real hair? Why can't she take them out and just rock the short-hair for a while? She can't pretend her crazy time didn't happen. It just seems like such a pretension to me. You aren't 20 anymore, Britney. You had a hard time and shaved your fricken head. I had cancer. Neither of us has our gorgeous long hair anymore. Difference is she can afford the expensive extensions to pretend it didn't happen. I just have to grow through my layers. I am not the same person and neither is she. So off with the extensions Britney. Show us a 26 year-old mom who can rock the layers and be happy with it. I think it would be awesome.

Jackson and I have a new game. It's the "How was your trip?" game. I went to the store a few days ago by myself and when I came home he asked me 'How was your trip mama?' And randomly throughout the day now he asks me again, even though I haven't been anywhere. So today he asked me how my trip was and I made up a story about going to an ice cream mountain and climbing up to the top to take a bite out of the great big cherry on top. Then I asked him how his trip was and he said "Not very good." "Why," I asked. "It melted. Mama. My trip melted."

We went on telling stories for a few minutes and I ran out of ideas. He was playing with the little NYC Police car I brought him back from my NY trip in Feb. So I told him the true story of that trip. I told him Daddy and I flew on a plane and saw all the tall buildings and the lights of Time Square and we watched four Broadway shows and I bought you a New York City Police car and flew on a plane all the way home and brought it to you. Jackson loved the true story best of all and made me tell it over and over again. "Tell it again, Mommy! How was your trip, how was your trip?" Such a sweetie.

Tomorrow morning I go to the plastic surgeon to get my scar revised, as they call it. Basically the doc will numb it up, which will probably hurt like hell. Then he will cut out the scar tissue and work his plastic surgeon magic and stitch me up. I will have stitched for five days and hopefully the divot in my face will be gone. I will always have a scar, but maybe we can reduce it a little. I am a bit nervous. I am doing this under local, no happy drugs, and I am used to getting happy drugs during procedures to escape the reality of it. But not this time. I am getting my face cut into and I have to remain right there in my mind while they do it. Makes me nervous. But I am sure I will be fine, after all I gave birth without any happy drugs or escape. What is a little scar revision?

Sam the Cat and the Zilker Train

2008-11-25T21:09:00.005-06:00

This morning before taking Jackson to school he and I made a pit stop at the vet with Sam cat. He got a scratch on his head a few days ago in a probable alley cat scuffle and he messed with it and worried it into an abscess. Looks pretty gnarly. So we dropped in to the vet to get it looked at, cleaned up and antibiotified. In an out in half an hour and we dropped him back home before heading to school/work for the day.

Sam retaliated against the indignity by bringing a decent-sized pigeon into the house. He chased the bird into my bathroom leaving a trail of feathers until the bird rested/hid in the sink. I found him when I got home from work, just quietly breathing in David's sink hoping not to be found by the cat. When David got home from work, he gathered the bird in his gloved hands and hid him under a bush in the yard. I don't think he is long for this world but at least we got him out of the cat house.

We took Jackson to Zilker Park on Saturday to ride the train. We tried to ride the train a couple of months ago, but he was terrified and refused to get on. David and I were so disappointed that he was scared of the train. We thought he would be really excited and love it. But I actually wasn't all that surprised he didn't want to ride it. He is such a cautious child when it comes to such things. But in the last week or so he has begun talking about the train and wanting to ride it. So we decided to head down there and try it again. And this time we had the reaction we wanted the first time. HE was excited and ready to get on. We had such a good ride. The weather was slightly cool but it was a nice day. And we got to see them setting up the Trail of Lights displays. We definitely need to come back when the Trail is open later in December.

I need to get to my housework since I have family coming in two days. Yay housework. But sincerely, yay family coming!

An Ear for Music

2008-11-21T21:26:00.003-06:00

Jackson has quite an ear for music. While having gyros at a little greek restaurant tonight, Hard Candy Christmas came on the radio. It was the Dolly Parton version made after she did the movie of Best Little Whorehouse. And within two words into the song Jackson piped up with, "Hey, that's the song Mommy sings!" Yup. He saw me sing that song on stage in Whorehouse and probably in the car a few times and recognized the song immediately 6 months later. He kept saying "That's my mommy singing." We didn't bother to tell him it was actually Dolly singing.

This is not the first time he has exhibited such music memory. First some background - we listen to all kinds of music in the car. But no kid music. I decided early on that we would not be investing in kid CD's and playing them in the car. Music is very important to me and jamming out in the car is one of my favorite things in the world. I have seen too many moms resign themselves to a life of listening to nothing but Sesame Street and Wiggles and Disney music. And I am sure it won't end for them there. They will graduate to whatever top 40 crap their kid likes in jr. High and whatever angst music they like in high school. Not me. When they drive their own car, they can pick the music. As long as I am the driver, we listen to my stuff.

So back to the point. Jackson is very opinionated about music. He wants to listen to what he wants. He has to argue with the CD choices I make. But at least we are arguing about my idea of good music. Some of his favorites are Guy Forsyth, Monte Montgomery and Sara Bareilles. But what astounds me is his ear. He loves Ray LaMontagne. As do I. And recently we were driving and listening to the radio when they played a brand new Ray LaMontagne song. It came on and we both perked up immediately as it is a pretty kick ass song and we had never heard it. Before the vocals started, I was thinking, "Wow, this is great, who is this?" When Ray started singing, within two or three words, at the same time, Jackson and I both yelled "It's Ray!" My three-year-old can pick out Ray LaMontange in three notes and agrees with me that Ray is awesome.

I introduced him last week to early 90's Ian Moore, which he loves. And Keb Mo. Actually anything blues he digs, like his Mama. It makes me smile when Jackson requests specific singers and specific songs from the back seat. He is into Broadway stuff too. David will be directing Big River in May so we have been listening to that. He adores it. And The Last Five Years, which is an amazing show of music, Jackson listens happily to the entire thing. You should too! (He requests song four endlessly)

What do you do with a musical three-year-old? Just because he has an interest and an ear doesn't mean he will be a musician of some kind as that is a different kind of aptitude. But I guess an interest in and recognition of music is a prerequisite to playing an instrument or learning to sing. I am certain music lessons of some sort are in his future. I am just not sure where to start.

For now I will just keep playing Jeff Buckley and Jimmy LaFave and jamming out in the car. And endlessly arguing about which Monte Montgomery album to play. "No, mamma, that is the wrong Monte!" he says when he wants his favorite instead of the one I picked. Oh, lately I have been playing the soundtrack to The Commitments and he likes it as much as I do. Of course he does, it's Soul Music. Cool kid.

Rejoice, I Am Not in the Hospital!

2008-11-16T20:12:00.007-06:00

Well I have to admit that my car is running much better, smoother and just plain happier after having some money thrown at it. I even got the brakes done at Firestone as I planned.

On Friday morning I drove my mom's car to Hyundai and picked up my car. I confused the heck out of Jackson, he didn't know what we were doing, getting out of mom's car and into mine, only to drive it across the street to the Firestone and leave it there. But I promised him after we ran my errands we would have lunch at the McDonald's next door to the Firestone and he could play on the playground there. He was nervous when we had to cross the big 'highway' to get back to my mom's car. I carried him and he kept telling the cars to 'wait, you can't go yet!" He gave them permission to proceed when we got to the other side. So we then drove to the McDonald's, had some lunch, and he played for a while as I talked on the phone with my insurance agent working out the steps I need to take to fix the bumper of my mom's car. Hopefully I will have all that taken care of this week. I am on hold with the claims center now, waiting to get the claim officially filed. I'll let you know how it goes if they ever get on the line.

I was a little irritated to realize that my inspection is due this month. I didn't even notice that till after I got my car back from Firestone. You would think that having had it in the hands of two different shops last week would have led to someone mentioning it and selling me on an inspection which I would have surely accepted. But as I didn't notice and neither did they, I will have to take it in again before the month is out. Also, I had the rear brakes done, but not the front. Hyundai told me the front breaks were at 30%. So does anyone know what that means in terms of when I can expect to need the front breaks done? Do I just wait for the squeaking to begin and check on it then? I hate car repairs. I just hate being so ignorant of the process and yet I have no plans to study car maintenance to become less ignorant. Maybe I should look for one of those adult education classes that teach layman's basics. I don't really want to take such a class, but perhaps it wouldn't be a bad investment.

David got his car back on Friday also. His was in the body shop after having been hit and run in a parking garage. Today, his battery was dead and we had to run out and buy one to replace it. This is the month of car repairs. If I have any money left on Thanksgiving, I will be surprised. My cars are feeling needy and want some attention. It must have rubbed off on my mom's car. It doesn't want to be left out of the fun....still on hold with Allstate.

I can't be too upset that my cars are needy and breaking and in the shop. My family is in great shape if you consider that on this day last year I had been admitted to the hospital with the great toxic pimple saga that kicked my ass through Christmas last year. Wow. I just read over some of those blog posts and am amazed I survived it all with my sanity and my face more or less intact. And on December 1st this year I will have the remains of the beast cut out of my cheek and the divot will be history. Seriously though, what a sucky time that was. The picture pretty much says it all. Mmmmm...hospital food.

I have a busy week coming up at work with a playbill deadline Tuesday morning and plenty of administrative things to take care of before Thanksgiving week. We open The Gifts of the Magi on the Friday after Thanksgiving so much of the work needs to be done with one day less in the work week. And Jackson will be out of school for the holiday so I'll have less focused work time that week also.

I have three appointments scheduled this week too. And I am planning on cancelling all of them for different reasons. Tuesday is a haircut that I don't think I need yet. She said she wanted to see me back in 4 weeks, but I think it is too soon. And it is too much money to spend every month on a haircut. Geez. I think I can wait another 3 weeks or so. I am out of mullet danger for the moment so I am axing that appt.

I am also axing the fake-nail maintenance appt for Wednesday. I have been wearing finger-falsies for a couple of months and while I really love the ease of pretty nails you don't have to file and won't break, it really ads up, the appts every other week. And I have never been so high maintenance, WTF, who is this girl? Hair salon every four weeks and the nail salon every other week with a pedicure once a month thrown in? I act like I have money with my discount Coach purse and my fake nails. Heh, add that image to me climbing out of my dinged up little Hyundai (cause I am a terrible driver who likes to hit dumpsters) and you have an incongruous image. So off with the fake nails. I cut them down and as they grow out will keep cutting them down till the acrylic is gone. And now that I am hopefully out of the habit of nail biting, I can have my own nice nails and maintain them myself. I did it before, and I can do it again. Sans acrylic.

The third appt is with a Plastic Surgery Center in Westlake. As I am happy with the Doc I met in Georgetown and am assured that he is a board certified, trained plastic surgeon and not a podiatrist-turned-plastics I don't need to haul myself into Austin to have my insurance poo poo'd by the big dogs. Georgetown Plastic Surgery did not even flinch and said "Of course it will be covered, it's due to chemo. It isn't considered cosmetic."

So there. I have just dropped several maintenance levels. This week I am not getting my hair done at the Aveda Salon, not visiting the nail spa and not consulting the plastic surgeon in Westlake. But I am keeping my dinged up, desperately in need of a vacuum Hyundai Elantra...and my outlet mall Coach purse.

Car repairs, ulcers and politeness

2008-11-13T21:44:00.003-06:00

I am really tired. Just worn out. This week at work I have been getting my hands into the playbill(yay!)for our Christmas show and coordinating a photo shoot for publicity shots and creating the poster and sending off the elements for the ads in the local newspapers. At the same time I have had an appt with the plastic surgeon and a check-up with my Oncologist. And have been dealing with car repairs, car repairs, car repairs.

My car needed breaks and was running with a shimmy and just needed work. Transmission flush and spark plugs and all that. So I have been driving my mom's car while mine is in the shop. Except...except...I really don't want to type this. Don't want to confess it to anyone. I don't want to talk about how a fucking dumpster jumped out in front of me while I was driving my mom's car. I don't want to talk about how extremely crappy it feels to have damaged the car my mom loaned me for a week while my car is bleeding the money out of my bank account. And I don't want her to have to deal with it. So I got an estimate on it, and I think my insurance will cover it minus my deductible. And I can get it in the shop maybe Monday and have it fixed for her.

My car is still at the dealership. I went after work and paid them for their part and left it there. In the morning I am taking it across the street to the Firestone to get the break job that it needs. I can save $100 by having Firestone do it instead. Maybe I could have saved more if Firestone had done everything, but I have had such good experiences with Hyundai finding things to fix that were under warranty, I just wanted to give them an opportunity to do so again. No such luck this time.

But they did find that one of the lug nuts on my tire was either over-torqued or mis-threaded. They couldn't get the tire off without breaking it. So they broke it, then fixed it. $100. Yay! They told me that I should go back to Firestone, who put the tires on, to get them to pay me back for that. So I will attempt that but anticipate the run around and don't really want to argue about it. I am somewhat meek in the high maintenance bitch department. (Unless you are married to me ;)

So to sum up: I am exhausted, broke and fully engaged in the operations of the Palace and getting the Christmas show Collateral ready.

Jackson is having his first experience with cancer sores in his mouth. He was complaining this afternoon that his 'teeth' hurt and was really distressed. So when we got home I had him lean his head back into my lap and he let me take a look in there with a flashlight. And sure enough, he has cancer sores. Which actually made me happy to see since it explained his pain and I was afraid we were talking cavities and the horror of fillings on a three-year-old. Poor baby was hurting though so I gave him some Tylenol and put on a paste I got from the doctor way back when I had bad sores from chemo.

At the dealership this afternoon, all the new cars had big yellow happy face balloons tied onto them and Jackson really wanted to look at them. When I realized all the cars in the show room had 6 or eight balloons tied to each of them so I decided to go in and see if they would give one to the small boy. They did. You can't resist a small boy with balloon hope in his eyes. And he was so polite. "Thank you for the happy face balloon," he kept saying. They all laughed at the death grip he had on the string. He won't let you tie it to his wrist. "Don't tie it, don't tie it," he chants any time he is handed a balloon. I assured them that the boy knows what happens when you let go and he won't do it. It is starts to get windy, he cried out for me to take the balloon so it doesn't blow away. He is well aware of the consequences of letting it go.

He is such a polite boy sometimes. And caring, how did he get such empathy and caring? Elaine had dinner with us on Tuesday before her soccer game and she was taking the photos for the Palace on Wednesday. She came to get me so we could go to the Palace and the very first thing Jackson said when he saw her was "How was your soccer game?" He remembered that she was going to play the night before and somehow has learned the social skills to ask her how it went. Shit, I didn't even ask her how it went. I never ask and I know she plays every week. I am an asshole and my son has apparently outstripped me on the social skills. So if you are reading this Elaine, How were your last 50 soccer games since I failed to ask and was called out by my three-year-old?

In search of perfection

2008-11-10T20:53:00.004-06:00

Jackson is such an interesting person. This morning he came into my room crying, sobbing, devastated. I took him into my arms and asked him what was wrong and he said, "I'm not perfect. I'm not per-her-fe-he-hect!" It was so sad. I wasn't sure what to say. Or where that had come from. But I questioned him till I figured out that he had just seen a song on Jack's Music Show on Noggin about 'no body's perfect'. I sure wish I had heard the song. Then I would know maybe what the hell set him off. It was noggin, for pre-schoolers, so it was probably just something my weirdo kid found devastating. I tried to tell him it was ok,that no one is perfect, but that didn't seem to help. And I don't think he really understands what perfect means. I dunno. It was one of those moments of parenting when you go 'shit, I am really raising another whole person here. This is not a game!'

Aaannd this is why they tell you to watch tv with your kid. So when they start crying because they aren't perfect, you might know WTF set them off.

I had an appointment with a plastic surgeon today to talk about the scar on my face. I was hoping the plan would be to simply plump up the divot with some filler or harvest some fat from the place of my choice and fill it up with that. But alas it will not be that easy. The doc says that it is scar tissue banding and pulling that is making the divot and filler won't help. So we have to actually excise the scar and put in stitches and start all over. He thinks that it can definitely look better than it does now. The dimple casts a shadow and I feel it makes me look tired and droopy. So I am going to do it. It will be a 30-minute procedure in the office, stitches for five days and then creams and make-ups till it looks good. So December 1st is the day. Heh, I went to David's company Christmas party last year with a band-aid on my face and here I am getting elective scar revision the first of December. But I just want to get it over with.

The doc also thinks my insurance will cover the procedure. So that is awesome. And I want to do it now before my insurance rolls over my deductibles and such next year. Interesting that I called several plastic surgeons in Austin and none of them were interested in billing my insurance or even asking if it was covered. The receptionist at one place was frank with me when I asked why. She said it wasn't worth it to the doc. My insurance might pay them a couple hundred for a scar revision. They are making bank on face lifts and liposuction. My measly insurance payment ain't nothing. And they wanted to charge me $55 for a consult. I went ahead and made an appointment because you have to make them a month in advance. But my Oncologist gave me the name of a board certified plastic surgeon in Georgetown and he was totally interested in my insurance and got me in in 2 weeks time. Said this is a chemotherapy-related injury and is billable and should be covered. I just felt like I mattered there. My little scar left over from a freak chemo infection that I don't like looking at every day matters as much to this doc as the boob jobs and face lifts. So I am cancelling the appointment in Westlake and going to the guy in Georgetown. So there.

Restless nights and accidents

2008-11-07T21:41:00.003-06:00

For the past several months Jackson has been sleeping most of the night in my bed. He comes in around 1 or 2 and stays till morning. The problem is that even with a king size bed there isn't enough room. David requires a lot of space. He can't sleep if Jackson so much as touches him. And Jackson is an active sleeper. He tosses and turns and flails and kicks. And talks. He has a lot to say in the wee hours of the morning.

I have been so reluctant to put an end to this for many reasons. I love being able to hold him and cuddle with him. And though the talking wakes me up, I sure love listening to what he has to say. Lately all he talks about is being buddies. He gets in my bed and says, "Mom, let's be buddies." Or "Mom, we can be buddies together." Or, "We are sleeping buddies, Mom."

But my sleep really began to suffer. He wants to dictate how I lay, "No mom, turn over this way, you need to hold me." And somehow his body knows when it is 6:00 in the morning and he wants to get up. And he starts in on me. "Mom, can I get up? Can I get up now? Is it up time? Can I get up?" Relentless, incessant, unflaggingly persistent. Before the sun is even up, I am bugged within an inch of my life.

And then the time changed. So now his body knows when it is 5:00 in the morning. And it only took one morning of that to make me decide that for sure, Jackson cannot sleep in our bed anymore.

I don't want him to be unable to come in at night if he gets scared. I spent a lot of time as a child running to my dad because of nightmares. But he just can't stay all night. He needs to go back to his room. So I had a talk with him a few nights ago at bedtime. I explained that there wasn't enough room in my bed for us all and that he was keeping his dad and me awake. I told him that if he came into my room at night, I would give him hugs and kisses, but that he would have to go back to his bed. He seemed to understand, but I really feared what would happen. In the past, putting him back in his room has led to an hour or more of crying and loudness and miserableness had by all.

But I was amazed that the very first night, he climbed into my bed and after a few minutes of me holding him, I was able to put him back to bed without incident. He came back a half hour later, came to my bedside and got a few hugs and kisses, then went back to his bed on his own. I was so impressed. Last night he did the same thing. Came in, got hugs and kisses, went back to his bed.

He is still waking up at 6 or 6:30 and coming in, only to be sent back by his dad. That is upsetting him. He has cried both times, but only for about 5 minutes or so. I am hoping this lasts and that he has and will accept that he has to sleep in his own bed, but that his mommy will always comfort him if he gets scared or needs to get hugs.

So we are two months into the pre-school term and Jackson is still having pee pee accidents at least one out of the three days and sometimes two. I have been feeling really bad about this and wondering what it is I need to be doing to help Jackson stop peeing his pants and go to the potty when he needs to. He does well at home and out and about, but at school, he doesn't get there in time. Runs to the bathroom saying, "Oh no, oh no" while losing his bladder all over himself. The teachers say they ask him if he needs to go, but he will often tell me 'no' when I ask him if he is busy or interested in something else. I wonder if the other kids are having accidents and how often. I thought that peer pressure would cause him to not want to pee his pants, but it seems he doesn't really get hassled by the other kids, or if he does, it doesn't bother him enough to get to the potty on time.

I have been kinda beating myself up about it and I talked to my mom yesterday about it. She gave me a whole different perspective. She said it was more their problem than mine. She said I need to meet with them to find out what they are going to do to get him to the bathroom. Reminders are not effective with this particular three-year-old. He needs to be told to go, taken in hand. Their needs to be a bona fide potty break. I know they want the kids to independently go when they need to instead of having any designated potty times, but I think that may be what Jackson needs. He needs the action to stop so he isn't so afraid of missing something. Mom suggested I ask that he be taken to the bathroom whenever a specific 'buddy' goes. Maybe if another kid id going he will too.

She also said to tell them that if they can't get him to the potty, that she will come up every hour and take him herself. I am pretty sure that is just a threat. But I think it is interesting that I have been looking at this as my failing and she pointed out to me that it is just as easily looked at as theirs. I really like the pre-school he goes to, but I do think we would all be a lot happier if he had a lot fewer accidents. And they need to be more proactive with him and I need to have a conversation with the director about it on Tuesday.

This afternoon the mother of one of his classmates called me to tell us that they are taking their son to the circus tomorrow and he has been requesting that Jackson come too. So we are going to meet at the circus at 11:00 tomorrow and take the boys to the circus. Fun times.

Boo Boo

2008-11-05T20:40:00.002-06:00

Jackson was looking for me when I was in my closet and I yelled out to him, "I'm in here, boo boo. I call him that sometimes. Always have. I am not sure that he had ever really paid attention to it. This time he noticed though and said, "Boo boo? Why did you call me that?" I told him it was just something I call him sometimes. "Oh," he said. "Then I will call you sore."

A&M Cancer Panel

2008-11-04T20:29:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I took a road trip with 5 other young adult cancer survivors to Texas A&M to participate in a blood cancer panel for their 2nd year med students. I had a good time on the ride up shooting the shit with my car mates about the various horrendous side effects of our respective chemos. We all had a good laugh about the 'mild' bone pain associated with the neulasta shot and commiserated about the state of our hair. For the first time I got to listen to a man bitch about losing his full head of shoulder-length cork-screw curls. He showed off his drivers licence and we all had a good laugh about his awesome hippy-liberal hair and how much it sucks to have it all gone. The guys said that their hair came back in thinner as if the process hastened any male-patterned baldness they may have had in their future. Anna, a college student overcoming Leukemia had long, thick, dark red hair and mourned the loss of it as much as I did...do...whatever.

Anyhow, hanging out with other young people who have had this carnage inflicted on their bodies is really cool and you might be surprised at the level of humor and fun with which we talk about it all. Fun in a sick sort of way.

At the University, we were ushered into an auditorium classroom that held maybe 60 or 70 students, many of whom had laptops open and starbucks in front of them. They looked very young, but very interested in the presentation. Courtney from Planet Cancer presented a power point full of statistics on the abominable survival rates of young adults and the negative gains we have had in the last thirty years. She really hit it home when she said to them that the survival rates today have made no gains from before they were born. She also talked about the unique needs and concerns we have - fertility, peer support, the stop sign in the middle of career or school goals and the fact that our choices are forever limited by the need to have health insurance at all times.

The students had the opportunity to ask us any questions they had and I got a lot of questions about marriage and family since I was the only married parent in the group. Interestingly I got several questions about how my husband handled it and if my marriage suffered. I told them that David was awesome and that our families circled the wagons to support us and that it would have been much different had we been alone to take care of it all. A serious illness could tear a couple apart very easily or it can make you stronger. I am lucky to have experienced the latter. It was really hard. It is really hard to be a good mom and wife when you are bloated and sick and bald and scared. And it must be hard to be a good husband when the focus is not on your pain and fear and on the load you must bear. And I am grateful that David transcended that and loved my bloated, bald, irritable sick ass for all those months.

The students were also very interested in the cost. The cost of insurance and what I had to pay and did I have to fight for it. I told them all about my hours on the phone with billing clerks and Aetna and how I never pay a bill before double checking it for errors. Some of them were incredulous to think that someone might be denied treatment for lack of ability to pay. I told them that the cancer center isn't the ER, they don't have any mandate to treat anyone. They do what they can, but can take on only so much charity work. And it takes a lot to qualify for medicaid. I know a lady who works in the office that determines who gets covered and who doesn't. She told me that a young woman with stage 1 or 2 breast cancer would be denied until she hit stage 4. Stage 4 is terminal, stage 1 or 2 is curable. So Medicaid would deny the person they could cure until they could no longer be cured, then they'd go ahead and cover her. How fucked up is that? And my age group is the most likely to be uninsured.

I think it bodes well that they really were interested in our experiences and seemed to relate to us well. They will hopefully remember us when they set up their practices. Courtney had a great quote in her presentation. She said 'Doctors have a saying, "When you hear hoof beats, look for a horse, not a zebra." Well that's great unless you are a zebra. This panel is nothing but zebras.'

Trick or Treat!

2008-11-01T21:02:00.003-05:00

This is our third Halloween as parents and for the first time we have been trick or treating! Last year he didn't get it, wouldn't wear a costume but had a good time handing out candy. This year we started early talking about costumes and Halloween and the cartoons he watches have all kinds of Halloween plots to them. So he was ready. We looked at pictures online and in circulars to find a costume he would wear. I knew it would be tricky with him being as picky about what he wears as he is. He decided early on that the only acceptable costume would be a race car. "A race cacr driver?" I asked with high hopes. But no. Race car. So I googled race car costume and the inevitable Disney pre-fab costume came up and Jackson fixed his sights and set his heart on being Lightning McQueen. Sigh.

Mommy thinks pre-fab costumes are lame and would much rather make something with card board and tempera paint, but alas, mommy has little say in what Jackson wears and if Trick or Treating was to be in our future, I knew we would have to have a pre-fab Disney Car costume. We went to a couple of stores in search of one with no luck, even scaring the crap out of Jackson by taking him into one of the only-open-during-October costume stores with scary-ass statues and latex figures and fog and scary music. Am I sadistic to take my three-year-old into such a place knowing it would probably scare him? Yeah. So what. He was mesmerized by a life-sized witch statue - so much that he put his speed racer car down on her pedestal while he studied her. When we got out to the car he got all upset because he lost his car. David went back in and found it thankfully. I guess he hadn't really meant to leave it as an offering to the witch.

So having no luck finding the foam Lightning locally, I found the best price I could online and had it priority shipped. Luckily it came in time and Jackson liked it. So we had him costumed for trick or treating. Funny that I spent a small fortune on the costume but was too cheap to spring for one of those little pumpkin candy baskets. We took his soccer ball Easter basket instead. Here he is in all his glory.

I rummaged around in the costume room at the theatre at work on Friday and found a saloon girl costume to wear. Working in the theatre has its small privileges sometimes. I don't look quite as good as Sabrina did wearing this in A Christmas Carol last year, but I am happy to fit into it anyway. And I love red.

Jackson held his daddy's hand as we walked the neighborhood begging for candy. I was so proud of the boy for speaking up each time and saying "Trick or treat" like a champ. He also said "Thank you" to each person without having to be prompted each time. I realized that it was probably easy for him because David and I said "Thank you" each time and he was following our example. I was proud none-the-less. He was a happy, polite little boy and we had fun.

One little old man who was sitting in his garage pointed out the stuffed fish on his garage wall and told Jackson to come back i a few years and he'd take him fishing. He had a little boat in the garage and pointed it out. Jackson left with us, chattering the whole time saying, "He's gonna take me fishing in his boat, daddy!" I think the old man was pleased to hear Jackson so happy about fishing.

The Port is No More!

2008-10-29T19:17:00.003-05:00

The port is gone. I feel strangely empty. I can't feel the tube in my chest running up into the blood vessel in my neck. I didn't realize I could feel its presence so much, but now that it is gone, I am keenly aware of the nothingness. No hard protruding disk above my breast. Kinda cool.

I am a little bruised and swollen, but not hurting too badly yet. The procedure itself went smoothly. Got the IV in one stick. I had a few moments of concern when I was all draped and covered waiting for them to start and the doc came in and started poking around the port. I was terrified he was going to start without sedating me. The drapes were over my head so I couldn't see what was happening. And in fact, he did start shooting up the area with numbing meds before the happy drugs were administered. Which hurt way, way more than something designed to numb you should. Holy shit, I even made a noise, said "oww, oww, oww," which is something I rarely do. I try not to react to pain during procedures, it doesn't help, and I imagine it stresses out the practitioner. I don't want to distract them. But I whimpered some and quickly stopped myself, instead asking, "I am going to get the IV sedation right?" He replied, "Yeah, its on the way" as he proceeded to have at me with the scalpel. I was barely numb, could definitely tell he was cutting my skin. It was numb enough not too hurt too badly, but I was very glad when the happy drugs started flowing a few seconds later and I was able to doze a little while they did the deed.

It was over pretty quickly and I was happy to see that the doc excised the old scar as I asked. They weren't sure they could do it, but I thought as long as they were slicing me up, they may as well slice off the wide, ugly scar and let me start fresh. And since I am not starting chemo tomorrow as I did the day after it was implanted, I should heal much, much better and faster and cleaner. Health does have its advantages.

I have been helping my Mom set up a blogspot because she started blogging a bit on myspace. I read a few of her posts and I think she is much too good to be relegated to myspace. So I am proud to introduce you to my mom, the RN Blogger at Whatever You Do, Don't Take the Thumb. Check her out at your leasure.

My incision is starting to ache now, so I guess I will go take something.

Wish me luck!

2008-10-28T20:22:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment to get my port removed. A small surgical procedure, I'll be there for 3 hours or so to recover, then I'll come home and probably sleep the rest of the day. And then no more implanted divice in my chest.

Here's to hoping I never need another one.